


Boy Problems

by kayromantic



Category: Mighty Ducks (Movies)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, Roommates, Roommates to lovers, Slow Burn, Teenage boys don’t know how to deal with feelings, high school rom com, roommate shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2019-07-06 17:54:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 49,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15891078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayromantic/pseuds/kayromantic
Summary: Everything was going according to plan, they were finally on the same team again as they were always meant to be and poised to take the school by storm. Now all Charlie has to do is to ignore the incredibly unsettling and increasingly erotic dreams he's having about his best friend and teammate.





	1. Junior Year :: Fall :: Part I :: What Dreams May Come

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to [Izilen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Izilen/pseuds/Izilen), [@RunaLiore](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RunaLiore/pseuds/RunaLiore), and [@satelliteinsupernova](https://archiveofourown.org/users/satelliteinasupernova/pseuds/satelliteinasupernova) for the beta and support.
> 
> I don't particularly care about the third film, so if anything contradicts events in that film just consider this fic an AU.

It was dead in the night when Charlie Conway shot up in his bunk.

It had happened again… _The Dream_. If it had been once or twice, Charlie thought, it would be weird but then dismissed, but now it had definitely become a Thing.

Just like the two previous times, he had been in the locker room after a game and it was hot and steamy; there was touching and sweat and moaning and just thinking about it was causing him to flare up again. Not good.

Charlie reached down into the sheets and sighed with relief. As erotic as The Dream had been, he had not made a mess.

Charlie looked to the alarm clock on the nightstand and cursed under his breath.

It was four in the morning.

Crap, a team run was scheduled for two a.m. and a half hours away and he had not gotten into bed all that timely the night before. He was not likely to fall asleep again and so Charlie could already see that the morning team run was most likely going to be the run from hell. He laid back and stared up at the ceiling, though it was not like he could really stare as it was pitch black. He turned to the side facing the other bunk and tried to will himself back to sleep.

That was a bad idea, because Charlie instantly recalled the reason he had woken up in the first place.

At sixteen years old, Charlie was quite accustomed to the occasional erotic dream or two. But this one…this one was different. First of all it was recurring and second, it was detailed and it wasn’t just about sexual release. There were feelings there, deep and impenetrable. A sense of intimacy that Charlie knew was not part of the typical wet dream experience.

And they were about his best friend and teammate, Adam Banks, who happened to be sleeping in the bunk right next to Charlie.

A rustle came from the other bed as Adam turned in his sleep. Charlie gulped. A recurring, emotionally resonant sex dream was bad enough. But the fact that it was Adam rang some alarm bells in Charlie’s head.

Charlie had never given much thought to being attracted to men, but to be fair, Charlie didn’t give much thought to anything that wasn’t related to hockey, The Ducks, or his mom. But Charlie didn’t really dwell on that all that much, he was a normal sixteen years old, flush with hormones and urges. An occasional thought about being with another guy didn’t seem all that unusual. Like he could laugh at himself if he dreamt about some famous actor or hockey player.

But the fact that it was Adam was what shook Charlie. Charlie knew Adam, he knew him better than anybody, and if he was having dreams about _that_ with his best friend, what would that mean for their relationship? How would Charlie be able to face him the next morning.

Maybe it was that, after two years, Charlie and Adam would finally be on the same team. Charlie had foregone joining varsity sophomore year in order to make sure that some of his weaker teammates would keep playing the sport. It had been hard, because Charlie was no longer the worst player on the team; his days of being “Spazway” were long over.

So it was just the reunion, coupled with his intensified teenage hormones coming forward in weird and confusing ways. That explained the closeness, the intimacy. That was all, he just had to keep his cool and not give anything away. No reason to have Adam worry about what was probably nothing.

But Charlie couldn’t shake the image of his friend beneath him and…

Nope, he was not going to dwell on it. ‘Get a grip’ he whispered to himself ‘It’s just a dream. It means nothing. _’_

Absolutely nothing.

 

* * *

 

Adam Banks had been in love with Charlie Conway forever.

Rather, it felt like forever. Adam had only become conscious of his feelings for Charlie about a year ago, though he suspected that the actual attraction predated any awareness on his part.

It was a futile attraction, Adam knew. Adam had always thought that Charlie was a much bigger figure in his life than vice versa. Charlie loved most everybody and when it came to his teammates, Charlie didn’t single anyone out. Adam wasn’t special. Charlie had foregone a spot on varsity his sophomore year in order to stay with guys like Goldberg and Averman and ensure that they made varsity the following year. This year.

Adam didn’t think he could ever do that, to give up on something he cared about to help someone else. If he had, he would have stayed back freshman year and saved both himself and Charlie the friction that they endured. He wasn’t that selfless. Not even for Charlie.

Well, maybe for Charlie.

But Adam wasn’t Charlie. Charlie, who without second thought, had given up his chance to play in the championship game at the Junior Goodwill so that Adam and Russ (a boy Charlie had hardly known) could play. Charlie, who outside that disastrous start their freshman year, always sought to put others first. To ensure that everyone was happy and taken care of.

It was why Adam loved him, but it was also how he knew Charlie would never love him back, at least not in the way that Adam knew he wanted.

He should get over it, particularly if he wanted to survive having Charlie as a roommate. He would tell himself to forget it and try to focus on other things (hockey and school). But then he would see Charlie lounging round the dorm room in just a pair of sweats or they would run a play together or Charlie would glance Adam’s way, after Averman had done something stupid, and give a smile as if to share a joke and Adam would just fall all over again.

But Charlie was straight, and Adam was not.

Maybe it was good thing, Adam would tell himself, that Charlie couldn’t reciprocate. He could focus on refining his skills and doing well at school, to prepare for the future that his father so wanted for him. It was better not to have the distraction of a relationship. There would be time for that later, somewhere far away from his parents.

But Adam couldn’t help but be a bit jealous of his friends. Not just for their ability to date and experience the typical milestones of adolescence, but…

They all had something outside of hockey, unlike Adam. While they all were trying to obtain scholarships based on their time with the Ducks, Adam knew that very few of them if any had any professional ambitions when it came to the sport. Hockey was a means to other ends. Most likely only Julie and possibly Portman entertained the idea of continuing in the sport post-college.

And though he suspected Charlie had not really thought past having a successful next season, he didn’t think Charlie planned on going beyond college either. Adam suspected that Charlie thought he wasn’t good enough to go pro, but it didn’t matter; Charlie had his mother, his teammates and his natural charm.

Adam just had his friendship with Charlie, and a crush that would never be requited.

All Adam could do was make sure that he never slipped up, never let Charlie know how he really felt. Adam was good at being careful, never letting to much out.  Growing up in Phillips Banks’ household made one good at that.

 Except for that morning three days into rooming with Charlie. He hadn’t thought much when he’d woken up to find Charlie had already left. He had heard a rustle in the early morning but had thought nothing of it. He didn’t think anything of it until he was picking up the room before heading out to morning conditioning (a long run through school grounds) that he realized he’d made his first mistake. The corners of magazines that Adam had been foolish enough to keep under the bed were sticking out in full view. Adam had thought it would be safer to bring them to school or risk his mom uncovering them during a routine house-cleaning.

But now, that didn’t look like the best idea. If Charlie had found them then that meant…

_Charlie knew._

 And just like that, Adam felt his entire world come crashing down.

 

* * *

 

Charlie hadn’t been able to go back to sleep, so he just laid in bed and tried to reassure himself that The Dream was just some aberration that occurred three times and was weirdly arousing and about his best friend, and then as soon as he could, he grabbed his workout clothes and left the room.

Foolish, Charlie knew, but after having a sex dream three times about the guy, Charlie didn’t trust himself to act normal the next time he saw Adam. He had to brush it off first.

So when he arrived at the starting point for the team run, he immediately went and got himself acquainted with his non-Duck teammates. Portman ribbed him on trying to secure that Captain spot early, but that wasn’t the issue at all; he just knew if he could keep himself occupied he would better able to mask the fact that he was avoiding Adam. It was an asshole thing to do, but he didn’t plan to avoid him that long, just in the morning.

Of course, he couldn’t help when Adam came up behind him. Charlie said “Good Morning,” and tried not to make eye contact. He couldn’t entirely avoid it though, and when he saw the look on Adam’s face, he instantly felt bad. Adam looked on edge. Like he was worried. Charlie fought the urge to made some lightweight quip to lighten the mood to get Adam calmed down. Adam was prone to overthinking things, and Charlie was one of the few people who seemed to be able to ease it.

Fortunately, Dean Portman stepped in for him.

“Hey Banksy, you ok man?” Portman asked, putting an arm around Adam. Adam tensed initially but then sighed. Charlie wanted to say something, but this wasn’t the first time Portman did that and it would be odd if Charlie were to speak out against it now.

Charlie tried to not look so obvious as he waited for Adam’s response. Adam just nodded and gave a simple ‘Yeah’. The response seemed to placate Portman but Charlie knew that Adam was not all right. Charlie felt guilty at that; he shouldn’t be avoiding Adam, particularly if there was something seriously wrong.

But he didn’t know if he could face him. Would he really be that able to help Adam if he was still self conscious about the fact that he had had an incredibly intimate and—the more he thought about it—incredibly hot dream for the guy. That wouldn’t be fair.

Charlie was grateful when Coach Orion blew the whistle, signaling that they were about ready to start, even though his body felt like crap from the lack of sleep. This run was going to be a nightmare, but at least he most likely would not have to think about his current situation.

“Listen up. Everyone, we have about a month and a half before the season starts, so let’s see how much you all slacked off over the summer. Varsity leads, then JV. We aren’t going for time, rather endurance, we have a long season and two titles to defend.”

When Orion blew the whistle and zoomed ahead in the golf cart, Charlie hung back and let Adam and Julie lead off the group. He kept to the middle of the pack, toward the end of the varsity team and right before the beginning of the JV team.

“Hey Spazway.”

Charlie looked to his right to see Goldberg come up by him. And with Goldberg there that meant…

“No need to babysit us anymore, Spazway,” Averman quipped from his left, and Charlie groaned. He did not have the energy to keep up with these two right now.

“Yeah, but watch out if you want to get that Captain title,” Goldberg said, “if you want to be a leader, shouldn’t you actually lead us?”

“Who says I’m back here to babysit you,” Charlie shot back. _It wasn’t a lie._

“No one, we just figured you’d be up front with Banksy,” Goldberg said.

“Did the cake finally get a little too rich for you?” Avermann jeered.

Charlie cringed at the comment and felt the heat that had nothing to do with exercise rise to his cheeks at the innuendo. God, he hoped they didn’t notice, he really should have re-thought this running in the back thing. 

“Shut the fuck up, Averman” he managed to blurt out. He thought about speeding up, but he couldn’t do it. He really should have trained more this summer. And got to bed on time, he berated himself in his head.

“It’s all in fun,” Averman said, “but honestly we need you to ask Banks a favor.”

 “Why don’t you ask him yourself?” Charlie asked, “he’s your friend too.”

“Yeah, but if you ask him, he might actually say yes,” Averman replied, “I mean, you’re his best friend.”

 Charlie had lost the ability to protest. Better just to let them get on with it.

“Fine, what is it?”

“Well, you heard about how Madison Whalen is having a huge party at her house off campus, right?”

 Charlie nodded. He had probably vaguely heard about it, but didn’t pay much attention. Honestly, if it didn’t involve his classes or the hockey team, Charlie didn’t have time for anyone else at school. He certainly didn’t care about whatever the rest of the preppies at Eden Hall were planning.

 “Well, we want to go, but Madison told us we would only be able to come if we can convince Banks to go,” Goldberg said, “I think she’s hot for Banksy.”

Charlie grimaced, not solely from the exhaustion, though he was going to start pressing up against his limits soon. He felt a pang of something that he didn’t particularly want to analyze at the moment while simultaneously trying to keep running, and manage his two obnoxious (but beloved) teammates. The idea that someone was into Adam was not something that he found particularly appealing.

“Plus, he has a car,” Averman added, “we wouldn’t have to stuff ourselves into the back of Portman’s truck.”

‘More like Portman isn’t going to allow them back in his truck after what happened the last time _,_ ’ Charlie thought.

“It’s a small sedan,” Charlie said, “It can barely fit four people, maybe five.”

“Doesn’t matter. Now, will you ask him?”

Charlie groaned.

“Fine, but if he says no, I’m not going to press it.”

That seemed to pacify them and Charlie spent the rest of the run just trying not to collapse.

 When they made it to the end of the run, he bent over and tried to hold back the vomit he felt creep up on his throat. He didn’t know how he made it back to their dorm room. He just rushed in and grabbed his stuff and went to take a shower before breakfast and class.

When he made it back to the room, feeling somewhat refreshed by the shower, to get his books for class he found Adam standing there looking white as a ghost.

“You ok?” he asked. Whatever had been bugging Adam earlier was clearly still bothering him.

Adam managed to state that he was fine, but Charlie remained unconvinced. 

“You’re not fine,” Charlie said. 

“Are you?” Adam shot back. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Charlie said, getting a bit frustrated.

“You didn’t look okay this morning,” Adam said, trying to sound angry, but he couldn’t meet Charlie’s eye, “you were avoiding me.” 

Charlie tried to think of what he could say that wouldn’t give too much away. Fortunately, he was so exhausted he forgot his self-consciousness about The Dream. He couldn’t do this again, otherwise he would begin promising Averman and Goldberg things that he would never consider otherwise. 

“I didn’t sleep well, weird dreams,” Charlie said. _It wasn’t a lie._

 “Is that it?” Adam asked, and Charlie sensed he was trying to ask something else but didn’t want to come out with it.

“Yeah, is there something else going on?” Charlie asked, turning it back on Adam, “you looked elsewhere too this morning.”

Adam seemed to relax at the surety in Charlie’s voice and shook his head.

“No, you just were being weird, and I thought maybe something had happened, maybe I did something.”

Charlie shook his head and patted Adam on the back, trying his best to reassure him that this had absolutely nothing to do with him. It wasn’t true of course, but Adam didn’t know that. 

“No, what could you do wrong? You’re the only one I don’t have to worry about.”

They headed out to class together, stopping only briefly by the cafeteria to pick up breakfast. Charlie forgot the promise he had made to Averman and Goldberg until they spotted Adam and Charlie in the hallway

“Hey, Spazway, don’t forget!” Goldberg called out at them.

“What was that about?” Adam asked.

Charlie sighed. 

“Averman and Goldberg want you to go to this party at Madison Whelan’s this weekend,” Charlie said, “apparently you have to go if they want to go. I guess Madison Whelan has the hots for you.”

Charlie was still too tired to really think about the distaste that statement left in his mouth. He had no reason to mind at all if some girl liked Adam. True, they had never talked much about dating or really girls at all, but he couldn’t deny his best friend a girlfriend. Had Adam ever liked someone? Charlie had dated Linda for awhile, but to be honest he never really talked about that relationship with Adam. Now that he thought about it, it seemed as if Adam had always avoided it and Charlie had just gone along.

“Oh.” Adam said and scratched his head sheepishly. Truth be told, he was kind of cute, Charlie thought, but that wasn’t a welcome line of thought either.

“Also, I guess you would have to drive,” Charlie said, steering the conversation back to something more comfortable and not at all offputting. 

“Are you going?” Adam asked.

Charlie shrugged.

“I guess, if everyone else is going,” Charlie said “Look, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. Averman and Goldberg will just crash it if you don’t. I’ll bring them or something. Madison Whatsherface won’t even notice.”

“No,” Adam said, his voice a bit strange, “I’ll go, it should be fun.” 

Charlie was a bit perplexed; he hadn’t expected Adam to agree. Maybe Adam liked Madison? Did he even know her? Charlie struggled to think if they shared classes together, though to be fair he and Adam didn’t either so he wouldn’t really know.

“Yeah, but I would suggest not allowing Goldberg in your car,” Charlie said.

“Well, wouldn’t the alternative be just Connie and Guy making out in the back seat?” Adam asked. 

“True,” Charlie said, Connie and Guy could be quite annoying like that.

“Hey if it isn’t the ice pansies.”

 Charlie looked up to see Doug Hauser standing down the hall just in front of Charlie’s chemistry class. Doug Hauser was the “star” quarterback of Eden Hall’s football team, although that didn’t mean much. Eden Hall was as bad at football as good as it was in football. And Doug and the rest of the football team had had it for the Ducks since they forced the mascot change their freshman year. Doug Hauser was a particular asshole about it.

“Shut up, Hauser,” Charlie shot back, “last I checked none of the metal in the trophy case can be attributed to your ass.”

Hauser scowled, and then turned and looked at Adam.

“What do you say, pretty boy? You going to just hide behind your Captain?”

Adam said nothing but just walked past Hauser and looked to make a beeline to his first period. Charlie was tempted to throw Hauser the bird as he followed. The guy had a particular penchant for going for Adam, though Charlie didn’t know quite why. Surely Wu or Averman would be easier targets.

Charlie stopped Adam before he was able to escape into his own first class of the morning.

“Hey, don’t worry about that asshole,” Charlie said, “he’s just pissed you beat his sorry ass out for athlete of the year last year.” 

“I’m not worried,” Adam said.

Charlie wasn’t quite convinced, but let it go.

 

By the time the bell rang, Charlie finally felt like a functioning human, and having resolved the awkwardness with Adam and the dream, the day was not a total wreck after all. Of course he was not completely focused on his class because he missed the message on the board outlining how lab partners were selected for the upcoming year and therefore had not carefully chosen his seating partner. There wasn’t anyone else from the hockey team in the class and Charlie had only made the effort to sit as far away from Doug Hauser as possible. This of course meant he was towards the front.

“Oh great, can I be excused if my partner is my ex?” a sharp, female voice said from behind Charlie.

Charlie turned and looked up to see Linda, standing just to the right of the desk, her books in hand. Charlie scanned the room and sure enough all the other spots were taken.

This was great, he thought, as if his day couldn’t get any more awkward. 

“Sorry,” he said, “probably not.” 

It shouldn’t be that awkward, Charlie thought to himself. It wasn’t like him and Linda had ended things badly. It was just that a lot of stuff got in the way and they obviously didn’t like each other enough to make any changes to their lives to make it work.

“What are you doing in this class anyways?” Charlie asked, “aren’t you all upper level classes, leaving the average work to us neanderthals?”

Linda shot him a side eye.

“Unfortunately, I’m more a history and literature kind of girl,” she said, “science and math have always been my achilles heel.”

“So I take it I can’t crib your notes then,” Charlie said.

“Sure you can,” she replied, “but I won’t guarantee your results.”

 Whatever awkwardness that there had been from their personal history was broken at that. They hadn’t been good at dating each other, but maybe being lab partners would be more feasible an endeavor. Charlie had great respect for Linda, and maybe in another life where hockey and high maintenance teammates weren’t a factor they could have been something.

They listened as Mr. Robbins went over the lab rules and guidelines, as if they were really going to handle anything all that dangerous. Hell, Charlie was sure that pretty much half of the bunsen burners didn’t even work well enough to set the school on fire.

They were taking inventory of their station, when Charlie decided to broach something that had been bugging him all morning, 

“Hey, do you know Madison Whelan?” Charlie asked. Linda had gone to school with these people forever. She was bound to know who Madison was.

 Linda looked up from counting the test tubes and stared at him for moment as if trying to suss out Charlie's true intentions.

“Sure, we have a few classes together,” she said. “Why? because I think it is highly inappropriate for you to ask your ex-girlfriend about some other girl.”

“No,” Charlie said, “ it’s just I heard that she likes Adam.” 

Linda tilted her head at Charlie. She obviously had not been expecting that response. 

“I guess,”, she said, “though I think a lot of girls are into him.”

“Really?” Charlie asked, surprised. He hadn’t noticed anything.

“Sure, I mean it isn’t surprising,” Linda said, “you don’t think girls would be interested in the star player of the State Champion hockey team? Not to mention, that he treats all the girls with respect, unlike a lot of the cretins who go to this school.  You excepted of course.”

 "Glad to know I'm not a cretin," Charlie said.

"I'm just saying Adam is the kind of guy you'd feel okay bringing home to your parents," Linda said, "I know my mom would be thrilled if I brought a guy like him home."

“Is that an appropriate thing to say to  _your_  ex?” Charlie said.

Linda shrugged, and Charlie went back to going through the drawers. Linda did have a point. Adam was going to go to the NHL someday. Didn’t girls want to date a star athlete? And Adam was good looking: he didn’t look like the typical hockey player. He had all his teeth, for one.

“Yeah, I mean she’s having this party this weekend,” Charlie said, “and she told some of the guys they couldn’t go unless Adam went.”

“Maybe she said that so those guys wouldn’t go,” Linda replied, and Charlie knew that she knew exactly who he was talking about. 

“Yeah, maybe,” Charlie said, but he wasn't convinced.

“Why are you asking anyways?” Linda asked, “you seem awfully curious. I would think if Adam was into anyone you would know.”

“No reason,” Charlie said, “we just never talk about girls.”

Linda said nothing at that, but Charlie sighed. He had just made it awkward again.

God, if this was how this year started, with him making a mess with everyone he knew, he wasn’t sure he was excited to see where the rest of the year would take him.

 And he also wasn’t entirely comfortable at how bothered he was at a girl being into Adam. Or Adam being into girls for that matter.

 It was going to be a long year.

 

* * *

 

The next day and a half were completely normal. Charlie seemed to brush off whatever was bugging him and Adam had settled down when he realized that whatever Charlie’s issue had been, it was not that Charlie had figured him out. He’d just been paranoid. Even with the exposed magazines, it wasn’t like if Charlie had seen them, he wouldn’t have said anything. You couldn’t even tell they were porn, let alone gay porn. Charlie would have no reason to question them.

 The only thing that put him off was when Madison Whelan came up to his locker after fourth period. 

“Hello Adam,” she said, twirling her strawberry blonde hair between her fingers. 

She tried to peer over his shoulder into his locker to catch Adam’s eye, but he didn’t pay her any mind: he was too busy trying to find his notes from Calculus in time for the next class.

 “Do you have the notes from History?” Madison asked, giving up on trying to attract Adam’s attention in subtler ways, “I think I missed a few things from the middle of the lecture.”

“Sure,” Adam said, “I can stop by the library and make copies during lunch, just see me then.”

“Great,” Madison said, her eyes cast down at the complete lack of engagement on Adam’s part. 

“So are you coming to my party Friday?” she asked. 

Adam paused at that and remembered the conversation the other day with Charlie. He had been so relieved that Charlie had not found out he was gay, he hadn't really focused on anything else in the conversation.

“Oh yeah, I am,” Adam said, “the guys wanted me to go.”

Her smile lightened up, and Adam felt a bit guilty. Charlie had mentioned that Madison might be into him. He silently told himself he should be careful to not lead her on.

Though now that he bothered to take the time to notice her, Adam thought that she did look pretty and she was nice. He was only sixteen years old, it wasn’t set in stone that he was completely gay. He’d never had a boyfriend. Just because he was in love with Charlie and generally didn’t notice girls didn’t mean that he could never be attracted to one. And it was no more futile than harboring hopeless, unrequited feelings for your best friend. And he had to do something; the absolute terror that Charlie had found him out was not something that he could afford to deal with for two years. Better to try to move on so that he wouldn’t have to worry about that.

 “Great,” Madison said, “I’ll be looking for you.”

Adam nodded, but didn’t return the sentiment, he allowed her to stroke a hand up his bicep, though, but more because the entire situation was out of his depth as opposed to anything else.

“So Madison Whelan, huh?” 

Adam turned around from the direction of where Madison was heading, to see that Portman was hanging on his locker door, a smug smile on his face.

“You don’t play the game often, but figures you would go for the cream of the crop,” Portman said.

Adam didn’t catch the meaning in Portman’s words.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Adam said.

 “She’s hot, man,” Portman said, “and smart, right? She’s in classes with you. And we all know you’re the brains of the team.” 

“Yeah, I guess,” Adam said, “though I suspect some of the people in my classes bought their way there.”

Portman shook his head.

“Whatever, so look, since you’re obviously going to this thing at her house, and you’re driving, I wanted to ask you: who would you rather have in your back seat, Goldberg and Averman or Connie and Guy with third wheel Kenny?”

Adam groaned. Honestly, he would rather have none of them in his car. He wished that he didn’t have the car at all. His father had purchased it for him as a reward for being named All American the previous year, but it honestly made Adam super awkward, particularly among the other Ducks. How was he supposed to stay close to his working-class teammates when they didn’t have cars, or the ones they had were second generation hand me downs, and Adam was driving a sleek, new Acura that just shouted money? It was just another thing in a long list of things that set Adam apart.

The only one who there was never a barrier with was Charlie. Maybe it was because Charlie was close to Bombay, who had also mentored Adam and who came from a similar background, or maybe he was just a naturally accepting person. Whatever it was, Charlie never judged. Not seriously, anyway.

Maybe that was why it was no wonder that if Adam was gay that he would fall absolutely head over heels in love with him.

He really needed to get off that.

“So which is it?” Portman asked.

“Can’t I just have Julie, Kenny and Russ?” Adam said. 

“No, man, you gotta take the heat,” Portman said, “besides, you’ll have Conway there to keep them under control.”

Adam didn’t even question the automatic assumption that of course Charlie would be riding with him.

“Look, if you take Goldberg and Averman, I will make it up to you,” Portman said, and Adam shot him a look. Honestly, if he had to choose he would go with Connie and Guy. Their public displays of affection were annoying, but they weren’t intrusive or overbearing. But then again, wasn’t he going so that Goldberg and Averman could go?

“Fine,” Adam said, “but find a way to make it up to me.”

 “Oh, I will. Maybe I’ll help you land Madison Whelan at the party.”

Lord, Adam hoped not.

Adam went off to his next class with two problems: how to deal with Madison Whelan’s obvious crush and how to best prevent Goldberg and Averman from ruining his car.

 He was no closer to making headway on either by the time classes were over and he was making his way back to the dormitory.  He was later because he had kept his promise to give Madison the history notes. She had thanked him, but Adam suspected that she probably didn’t need them, as she didn’t even look them over when he gave them to her.

 Yeah, that was going to be a major problem

But Adam forgot about Madison Whelan when he saw a familiar white note stuck in the door to his and Charlie’s room. He quickly snatched it from the crease in the door and looked around before opening it. As he expected, it was short and to the point. 

_Rink. 6:30 p.m. - CC_

He checked his watch. It was 5:30, only an hour. And with that his entire day was turned around. No worrying about Madison or a party or Goldberg. Those things could wait. With just the thought of being back on the ice, hockey stick in hand, he was sure there was nothing that could get him down.

Adam genuinely loved hockey. There was no pretense about that.  He didn’t just play for his father’s approval; he never felt better than when he was out on the ice with a stick in hand. It didn’t matter if it was a championship game or a measly scrimmage: Adam would take either one if it meant he could play. Maybe that was why all those years ago, he never questioned sitting out in protest of the league’s decision to honor their districts. He just wanted to play hockey.

As Adam got older, the pressure mounted even more but, honestly, it was all in pursuit of continuing to play. Sure, the fame and glory playing in the NHL would be great, but Adam just wanted to be able to be on the ice as long as he could. Deep down, he knew that maybe part of him thought that he wasn’t good for anything else. There had never really been another option. Adam had been given two options at birth: either play hockey professionally or play good enough to get into some Ivy League school and then coast through life on his family’s connections and join his father’s business. Adam knew which path he preferred. 

But none of that pressure or self doubt or future was really a part of his anticipation. The rink had been “closed” since the end of last year’s season (he and Charlie had snuck in a few times right after) but had been unusable since they returned to Eden Hall. But the note meant that it was back up and operational and Charlie had somehow gotten access to get them on the ice.

He was almost sprinting down the hallway at six towards the locker room, skates slung over his shoulder, though he slowed when he got closer. What they were doing wasn’t exactly allowed, though Adam thought that there had to be some part of Coach Orion who knew about Charlie and Adam’s clandestine ice time. Neither Charlie nor Adam were all that good at stealth, particularly when it came to hockey.

 Charlie was leaning on the wall by the door to the locker room, randomly tossing a puck in the air.

“Couldn’t help yourself, could you, Banksy?” Charlie said, “If someone saw you with your skates out like that, our cover would’ve been blown.” 

He was joking, of course. Charlie’s own skates were laying by his feet and they had no real cover. The camaraderie that had always existed between them was so easy and natural, Adam couldn’t help but play into it.

“Yeah, well, if you didn’t want to risk it, why did you leave a super obvious note on our door?” Adam shot back.

Charlie waved him off and reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring of keys. 

“How the hell did you get that?” Adam asked, though he honestly didn’t care.

“I had a meeting with Coach earlier,” Charlie said. “I may have snuck the spares out right under his eyes.”

Adam arched a brow at that as Charlie unlocked the door and followed him in.

“How did you do that, exactly?”

Charlie smiled.

 “Sorry, that’s a Captain’s privilege,” Charlie said, “it’s on a strict need to know basis.”

“You’re not Captain yet,” Adam said. 

“I know, but let’s be real, if it isn’t me it is going to be a token gesture to one of the senior guys,” Charlie said.

 Adam knew that was true. Charlie really was and had always been the Ducks’ leader, and while the seniors on the team were great guys, he couldn’t imagine that they would deny that. By all accounts, it would be Charlie who would lead the team in the upcoming season, much to the chagrin of Adam’s father.

“You’re the best player, Adam,” his dad was constantly telling him, “why don’t you take the spot?”

Adam had to remind him that the Captain was not necessarily the best player, just the best leader, but his father never bothered to listen. It didn’t matter. his father wasn’t here right now and nothing was going to spoil Adam’s mood.

They rushed through taping their sticks and putting on just basic pads and their skates. As excited as Adam was, he knew Charlie’s excitement was just as palpable, and Adam’s heart began to race as soon as he smelled the ice. He was off the minute that his blades hit the surface of the rink. He could feel Charlie behind him as they did a few laps around the perimeter, readjusting to the feeling if just gliding across the ice and trying to revive muscle memory from the long summer away. 

“So, should we do the usual?” Charlie asked once they settled in the middle of the rink. “First to hit all three posts.”

“Sounds good.”

Adam didn’t particularly care what they did. Hell, he might have just been happy skating laps forever. This rink was his heaven. He was here, hockey stick in hand, the sound of blades gliding across the ice and Charlie keeping pace right beside him. It would never get any better than this.

 Practically, going for posts was a good choice of a game. It was challenging enough to play, since obviously there wouldn’t be a goalie, and it would be a little less contact, since they both knew if one of them got hurt it would be lights out on doing anything like this in the future. 

“You start,” Charlie said, tossing the puck out to Adam who steered it over to the center as Charlie made his way a bit further down the line.

Adam nodded when he saw Charlie in position and slowly began the movements. Guiding the puck back and forth on the ice, keeping one eye on it and the other on Charlie, who, mimicking, was looking for the first opportunity to try to steal it.

They didn’t play that hard. Again, avoiding injuries was key. It was due to this that Adam was able to easily trick the puck past Charlie and get a clear hit on the right post.

“1-0”

Charlie took the puck back to the center and they did it again with Adam on defense. It was in these moments that Adam would be reminded of just how good Charlie had gotten as a player. It was hard for him to believe that there had ever been a time when the majority of the team called him ’Spazway’, but a good coach and growing confidence had done wonders. To be honest, there was no one else on Earth who Adam would rather play with, and even if Charlie might not want to play professionally, he was definitely good enough if he wanted. 

Charlie, like Adam, was able to counter Adam’s defenses and hit the crossbar without even missing a beat.

“1-1, don’t think you can just run away with it yet, Banksy.”

And so they went on alternating offense and defense, getting into a rhythm of handling the puck and reading the other’s moves. It had been over a year since they played together, and though the purpose of the exercise was competitive, Adam could see the start of cooperative plays and moves in the future from this.  Adam smiled to himself.

 They were going to be amazing. 

On the fifth run through, Adam lead 2-1 (he was able to squeak out a hit, as the puck had just barely grazed the left bar) and they both mutually decided to up the ante. Charlie defended more aggressively and Adam was right there with him. They obviously got carried away because amidst the small scuffle where both of them were trying to go for the puck, Adam’s skate hit the ice wrong and he went down harder than he meant to, the wall of the rink stopping him from sliding.

Charlie was able to maintain his balance and as soon as he was in control he was skating towards Adam.

“Shit, Adam, are you okay?” Charlie asked.

Adam was able to pull himself up off the ice. Thankfully nothing really hurt, so he hadn’t done any major damage. He looked around and sighed with relief when he saw that there were no signs of blood. He was able to make it back on his feet easily enough with no particular pain. 

Charlie was not calmed by this and his eyes darted all around as if trying to sniff out some minute scratch that Adam must have sustained from the fall.

“I’m fine,” Adam said, trying to reassure his friend, "I didn’t fall that hard.”

“What about your wrist?” Charlie asked, still not calmed by Adam's reassurance, and he grabbed Adam’s right wrist and turned it over to make sure that it hadn’t even been tweaked.

 Adam said nothing, but his heart stopped at the touch of Charlie’s hand, rough but cool, running over his wrist and arm. A lump formed in his throat and a familiar heat began to rise to his cheeks that had nothing to do with having just played hockey or the fall he had taken. He couldn’t help but be transfixed by every inch of Charlie’s face as Charlie carefully examined Adam’s wrist in his hand.

It was so tempting, Adam thought, to just reach out and brush the curls out of Charlie’s eyes. But he wouldn’t dare.

“I’m fine,” Adam said, pulling his wrist away. “You don’t need to worry about defending the state championship again.” 

“I’m more worried about ruining your future all-star career,” Charlie said, and Adam knew by his tone that he wasn’t joking.

He didn’t know how he felt about the fact that his heart skipped a beat again Charlie knew and cared about something that was so particular to Adam. That even though it would never be in the way that Adam wanted, he was at least a bit different to Charlie than the rest of the team. 

“I’m fine, no harm no foul,” Adam said and skated over to retrieve his hockey stick which he picked up and easily turned over with just the movement of his wrist, trying to allay Charlie’s worry.

Charlie breathed a sigh of relief at that and went and got his own hockey stick.

“You want to call it quits?” Charlie asked.

“I still need to hit the crossbar,” Adam said, a part of him knowing they should probably stop, but

not quite wanting to leave just yet.

“Fine,” Charlie said. “See if you can make it, I will try and psych you out.”

Charlie skated to the side and Adam positioned the puck for the shot. He toyed with the idea of intentionally missing it so they could play longer and recapture the rhythm from before but dismissed it. It was in his nature to always go for it and so with determination he aimed and took the shot, hitting the cross post of the goal right square in the middle. Charlie had not done anything to distract him, just beamed at him with what looked like pride.

“Just what one would expect from a two-time All American,” Charlie said.

“Yeah well,” Adam said. “It doesn’t count, you rarely get clear shots like that in a game.”

“Well, we’re not in a game now, are we?” Charlie asked, slinging an arm around Adam as they went to the exit. 

Adam couldn’t say much of anything to that. And the only thing he could think of on the way back was the warmth of Charlie’s breath and the feel of his arm on the back of Adam’s neck.

Adam groaned as he got into bed.

How was he supposed to get over Charlie Conway, when he was falling in love with him each and everyday?

 


	2. Junior Year :: Fall :: Part II :: Party Like It's 1999

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please consider this an AU if there are any major contradictions with established canon.
> 
> Once again, thank you to [Izilen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Izilen/pseuds/Izilen), [@RunaLiore](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RunaLiore/pseuds/RunaLiore), and [@satelliteinsupernova](https://archiveofourown.org/users/satelliteinasupernova/pseuds/satelliteinasupernova)

It was just them in the locker room. Charlie stood by his locker, steam still rising from the showers. He watched as Adam was bent over shuffling things in his locker. He wore nothing but a white towel wrapped around his waist. Charlie approached.

“Good practice,” he said.

“Yeah,” Adam said and stood up and faced Charlie.

There were no words, no action, nothing that triggered it. All Charlie could suss out was that one second he was standing in front of the lockers and the next he had Adam back against the wall, with his tongue down Adam’s mouth.

Charlie had the vague awareness that there were other people around, but Charlie paid them no mind and they seemed to disappear when he willed it. All he could think was how good it felt, his hand running up Adam’s back and the pressure of Adam’s lips on his. He could almost hear Adam moan into him and he kept going, moving from his mouth to his neck. He couldn’t register any meaning or awareness of anything. Just that he didn’t want this to stop. He had never wanted something this badly. This deeply.

Charlie’s hand made its way to Adam’s groin, and he grasped him hard. There was no question, no hesitation, no panic. And he smiled as he heard the hitch in Adam’s voice, pleading with him to keep going. He couldn’t make sense of any of the words that either them spoke, too lost to heat and lust and…something Charlie couldn’t quite place.

He heard Adam speak his name and Charlie focused again on Adam’s face.

“Don’t leave me, Charlie.”

And then he was gone.

 

  
Charlie stared at the ceiling, his breathing still heavy and his heart racing. It had happened again. That damn dream, only more in focus, more intense. Had Adam really said that? Charlie tried to calm himself down, but cursed when he realized he was still hard.

He looked over to Adam sleeping in the other bunk and sighed. He reached down and tried to silently bring himself off. He toyed with the idea of trying to do it without thinking of anything, but all he needed to do was remember Adam’s face in the dream and it was done.

He grabbed the box of tissue from the nightstand and quickly wiped himself just enough that he felt comfortable. He looked over to check that Adam was still asleep in the next bed. There was no movement from the other bunk and Charlie let out a sigh.

‘It was nothing,’ he told himself. He had been telling himself that a lot lately. But it couldn’t be anything else, Charlie rationalized. It was just teenage hormones run amok. He had been overly excited for practice and getting back on the ice. And that was it. And the fact that he was dreaming about Adam didn’t mean anything. Adam was his best friend and roommate, the one person that Charlie saw every day, so his brain made a simple association.

Yes, the dreams weren’t literal. Just a weird inconvenience.

He’d get over it. This would be the last time, he told himself. If it happened again, then he might have to worry. Worry about what, Charlie didn’t quite know.

He began to lightly hum, trying to silence the voices and doubts in his head. He had picked it up from Connie, who tended to keep meditation books around. He should probably ask her about dream interpretation, but he couldn’t think of a way to do that without actually telling her what the dream was about. Charlie wasn’t about to tell anyone. Why tell someone something that didn’t mean what people would think it would mean?

But whatever, the humming worked and he managed to fall back and sleep and didn’t dream of anything of consequence.

Luckily, there was no workout Friday morning and so Charlie was just slightly more tired than usual heading to class. No one seemed to notice, except for Linda who told him he looked like crap when they were in Chemistry.

It was an otherwise normal day, and it wasn’t until after classes were done that he remembered the party.

He was reminded when he walked into the dorm room and Adam was laying out a pair of tan slacks and a pressed button up shirt. Charlie mused that if a person didn’t know better and had to judge Eden Hall just by Adam Banks, they would say it was a military academy and not just an upper-crust yuppy private school that happened to have an outstanding hockey program.

“Dude, you don’t need to try so hard,” Charlie said, “it’s just a high school party.”

“This isn’t trying too hard,” Adam said. “You could stand to try a little harder.”

Charlie held out his hands and shrugged.

“I think I’m fine,” Charlie said.

Adam didn’t comment, just turned back to his dresser to pull out cologne and a wristwatch.

“You know,” Charlie said, “we don’t have to go, I could get the keys and we can go to the rink, play some one on one,” Charlie said.

“I said I’d go,” Adam said.

“So what?” Charlie asked. Adam hated parties. Why would he suddenly choose going to a party over an impromptu hockey session?

“Don’t I have to go if Goldberg and Averman want to get in?” Adam asked.

Charlie waved him off.

“They can crash,” Charlie said, “they were overblowing it.”

“I said I’d give them a ride,” Adam said, “besides, I told Madison that I would go.”

Charlie squirmed at that. The idea of Adam with a girl wasn’t exactly thrilling him. He didn’t want to read too much into that.

“Goldberg and Averman are riding with us,” Adam said, seeming to sense that Charlie didn’t much want to talk about Madison Whalen.

“You didn’t ask Connie and Guy to ride?” Charlie asked. “You know how pleasant Goldberg is in tight, confined places.”

Adam shrugged and the way he looked was enough for Charlie to know that if Madison wasn’t already in love with Adam, she would be soon. With his dusty blonde hair, blue eyes and an athlete’s build, Charlie was a little surprised that he had never really noticed how good looking Adam would appear to the opposite sex.

‘Just the opposite sex?’ Charlie stopped his mind at that thought. Nothing good would come from letting his mind wander too far in that direction.

Granted, they never really discussed things like dating and girls. When Charlie was with Linda, Adam had been a bit distant, and Charlie just never felt the need to talk about it. They were best friends, though, Charlie thought to himself. They should be able to talk about those things, shouldn’t they? But the thought of Adam with a girl…It bugged him and he couldn’t exactly figure out why. Charlie sensed that if Adam started dating someone then something would change between them.

Charlie was never a big fan of change, particularly when it came to his relationships.

“So do you think Madison Whelan really likes you?” Charlie asked, trying his best not to sound too interested in the answer.

Adam gave a noncommittal shrug.

“I don’t know, you’d have to ask her,” Adam said.

“Portman said she looked pretty into you the other day,” Charlie said, and inwardly smacked himself.

He didn’t really want to know, but also maybe knowing would put him at ease.

“Maybe,” Adam said, “I’m going for Goldberg and Averman, remember.”

“Right,” Charlie said, “we should probably grab some air freshener for your car. I don’t fancy drinking and then coming into a car smelling like Goldberg’s ass.”

Adam laughed, and Charlie felt a bit better. They could always find a way to break through any unease that formed between them. Which, in that case, why should Charlie worry if Adam got himself a girlfriend? They would be okay, they could make it work.

And maybe starting to talk about those things would be good for them. Charlie was just overthinking things, which he laughed at himself for. Overthinking was something that Adam did, not Charlie.

Yes, it would be best if they could become more honest with each other.

“Hey, Adam?” Charlie asked. He tried to not sound too tentative, “If you liked Madison, you would tell me right?”

Adam shot Charlie a strange look as if he couldn’t quite discern where the question was coming from.

“Of course.”

Charlie pursed his lips. What was he worrying about? Of course Adam would tell him if he liked somebody, and of course Charlie would be happy for him if he did.

But as they walked out the door and headed to the car, Charlie noted that Adam never did tell him whether he actually liked Madison or not.

 

The car ride to the party was uneventful, Charlie splayed out on the front seat, with the window rolled down, enjoying the feel of the early autumn breeze. It seemed to be a bit cooler than last year and Charlie hoped that meant that winter would come early. Charlie had always been more of a winter kind of person and not just because of hockey. The snow, the winter holidays, the steam on the streets; it was how he always knew he was home.

Charlie didn’t know how people existed anywhere else to be honest.

Goldberg and Averman were in the backseat dicking around as they always did, and Adam was just…well, he was just Adam. He stared straight on the road, looking down every once in a while to check the directions he had written on an index card.

They could hear the music from the party before Madison’s house came into view. Adam parked a bit of the way down, and they made their way across the front lawn. Truth be told, it really looked like just another crappy high school party with loud indistinguishable music and cheap beer and wine. Honestly, the team could have cooked up a better night of fun and pranks than most of the rest of the people at the school ever could. Charlie didn’t see much point in it all.

And that was it, Charlie thought. He liked Eden Hall well enough, and he could get along with most of his classmates on a day to day basis. But they were different. They were on a different wavelength, a frequency that Charlie could never fully understand.

He knew they all couldn’t be that bad. Adam came from similar background and he was okay.

But Charlie had the feeling that Adam was unusual, or maybe it was just because he joined the Ducks at young age and so wasn’t completely exposed to the typical rich kid brattiness that seemed typical of a lot of their classmates. And Adam worked hard. That was the difference, Charlie thought. Most of his classmates could just skate by through life. They had the connections, the networks and the money to float through life.

Charlie, son of a single mother, had never really had that surety, that confidence that things would turn out okay. If it hadn’t been for Gordon Bombay all those years ago, Charlie would not have been where he was. He had to work hard, always struggling to get by. Charlie had never taken anything for grant, nd he never forgot where he came from or the people who helped him get there.

So could anyone blame Charlie if spending a night hanging with a bunch of drunk, spoiled rich kids was not on his list of preferred Friday night activities? And prior to this evening, he would’ve thought it wasn’t Adam’s either. Except he had passed on playing hockey to come here and that was something Charlie would never have imagined that Adam would do.

Maybe Charlie didn’t know Adam at all.

No one really paid them that much mind when they first approached and Charlie thought maybe the could stay in a bubble. A party within a party, so to a speak. But that hope was dashed when Madison came up to them right as they walked in the front door. She was dressed in a sleeveless white button up with just enough skin to let one imagine something more. It was sure to drive all the guys wild.

Not that Charlie really cared about that.

“You came!”

It was addressed to all of them, but Charlie knew just by the way that Madison was looking that she really only cared about Adam.

“Well, I said I would,” Adam said, and Charlie suppressed a small laugh when Adam looked at the ground. How typically Adam. He may be a good looking star athlete, but he wasn’t the most socially calm of people.

“We’re here too!” Goldberg butted in, “we are so glad that we were invited to your humble abode.”

Goldberg made a play at kissing Madison’s hands, and Charlie didn’t blame her for pulling away.

“Oh right,” she said and seemed to shake her hand as if to cast away Goldberg’s invisible germs.

“Madison, this is Charlie,” Adam said, trying to steer the conversation back to more familiar territory.

Madison gave Charlie a long, stare as if trying to discern whether Charlie was more in the vein of your Goldbergs and Avermans or people who were actually respectable.

“Oh right, we’re in…”

“Eight period English, I believe,” Charlie interrupted, “with the wondrously bland Mrs. Stinson.”

“Yes, well, have a good time,” Madison said and then looked back at Adam, “look, Adam, let me show you the house. There are people I want you to meet.”

Madison wrapped her arm around Adam’s and began leading him further into the house. Charlie started to go after him, but Goldberg pulled him back.

“Let him go, Charlie,” Goldberg said, “Let Banks have some fun. He doesn’t need a babysitter.”

‘Right,’ Charlie thought, but to be honest the sight of Adam following Madison around at a party was enough to sour Charlie’s entire mood.

He spent most of the first hour at the party just wandering around. Every now and then he would catch a glimpse of Adam standing in a group across a room. He would meet Charlie’s eye, and Charlie would feel guilty. He could almost hear Adam’s unspoken plea.

Don’t leave me alone.

But as much as Charlie knew he should go over and at least be there, he didn’t want to be around while Madison was clinging to Adam’s arm. So he did what he figured all teenage boys would do in that situation: he avoided it and tried to pretend that nothing was weird.

Of course Charlie knew that he could only put up with that for so long. He loved his teammates, he really did, but honestly Fulton and Portman were too much for him after like five minutes, Connie and Guy were each too busy with the other to pay anyone else any mind. And, well, Charlie realized that his mood would threaten to bring the whole team down pretty fast.

So he couldn’t put up much resistance when Russ came and dragged him to the living room to play a game, where a group of kids were gathered around a coffee table.

“Hey.”

Charlie flinched at Adam’s voice. He could tell by the one word that Adam was about to ask him where he’d been the whole time.

Charlie definitely couldn’t tell Adam that he’d been trying to avoid him all night.

“Oh, hey,” Charlie said, “You’re here.”

Charlie mentally berated himself. Whatever, he would explain later.

“Where have you been?” Adam asked, but before Charlie could respond a girl that Charlie vaguely recognized from school clapped. He thought her name was Kelly but couldn’t be too sure.

“Ok, let’s make this party interesting,” she said, and Charlie tried to recall whether the blonde curls reminded him of anyone he knew. Honestly he couldn’t tell most of the non-Ducks students apart.

“I’m sure you all know of a little game called ‘Seven Minutes in Heaven” The girl possibly named Kelly held out a black shoebox and waved it around at the group congregated around her. “All your names have been put in this box. Whoever you draw, you have to spend seven divine minutes in that closet behind me. You can do whatever you want to do in there, but you have to go, no questions asked and no re-draws. Even if your company in there is unde”

‘Just great,’ Charlie thought. Charlie could think of no one, no particular girl that he would want to be stuck in a closet for seven awkward minutes.

“Ok, since she’s the hostess, Madison gets first draw,” Kelly said. She waved what appeared to be an empty tissue box in front of Madison who quickly drew a white slip of paper. Charlie could not be positive but he swore he saw Kelly wink at Madison, and so he was not entirely surprised when Madison walked up to Adam and held out her hand.

“Adam Banks, must be my lucky day,” Madison said. Charlie knew that most likely luck had nothing to do with it.

Charlie didn’t look at Adam as Madison led him into the closet and that was when Charlie just got up and headed to the kitchen.

For the first time in his life, Charlie really needed to drink.

As if the party could not get any worse, he saw Linda at the counter.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, “I thought you hated this sort of thing.”

“Hello to you too,” Linda said, “and it isn’t, but my roommate just broke up with her boyfriend so she wanted to come so she could prove that she is ‘so over him.’ And I’m the designated driver. Though, honestly, I have a bet with myself as to how long it takes before they get back together.”

“Right,” he said.

“What’s with the attitude?” she asked.

“What attitude?” Charlie asked, as he took a red plastic cup from the stack on the counter.

Linda didn’t respond but just shot him a look that said that she could see right through him.

“This party totally sucks,” Charlie said.

“Everyone seems to be having a great time to me,” Linda said.

“Yeah, well, trust me, no one here knows what a good time is,” Charlie said. “I mean what are you supposed to do at these things anyways?”

Charlie winced as he gulped down what he was pretty sure the most disgusting drink he had ever had in his life.

“Pretty sure you’re supposed to drink and dance and revel in the infamous display of adolescent debauchery.”

Charlie stared at her. Leave it to Linda to use big words to describe a dumb high school party.

He poured more of whatever it was he was drinking. It may have been be terrible, but it was something. And maybe it was just bad enough that he could black out and stop imagining what in god’s name Adam was doing in that closet.

“Ok Charlie, before I stop you from literally poisoning yourself, what’s wrong?” Linda asked, ‘And don’t tell me it is because of this party,”

Charlie bowed his head and sighed.

“She likes him,” he said.

“Who likes who?” Linda asked.

“Adam. Madison likes Adam,” Charlie said as if that explained everything.

“Ok,” Linda said, “I don’t get it.”

Charlie poured more liquor into the cup. He still had no idea what he was drinking, but it was getting easier.

“I mean, who is this girl?” Charlie asked. “Do you know her?”

“I know her,” Linda said, “but I think I am still missing something.”

“Adam doesn’t need a girlfriend,” Charlie said simply.

Linda nodded and she bit her lip in a way that Charlie knew, from experience, meant that she was going to say something he didn’t like.

“I don’t see the issue, honestly, Charlie,” Linda said, “I mean, if he likes her and she likes him, isn’t that all that matters?”

“Look, you don’t get it,” Charlie said, and maybe it was the alcohol but he began to ramble, “Adam has a future. He’s going to the NHL someday and is under a lot of pressure and he doesn’t have time to date.”

“Has he told you that?”

“No,” Charlie said, “but I know him. You don’t know his dad.”

“Ok.” Linda didn’t sound convinced.

“Besides, what kind of person is she? I mean Adam is smart and he needs someone who can keep up with him,” he said.

“Yes, because Madison seems like such an idiot ?” Linda said, ignoring Charlie’s glare at her obvious sarcasm, “Charlie, I think you’re being ridiculous.”

Charlie didn’t say anything to that, he just kept drinking.

“I mean, Connie and Guy date. I know Portman and Fulton date girls all the time. We dated for a year. What makes Adam different?” she asked.

Charlie didn’t answer, not just because the lightheadedness from the alcohol was starting to get to him, but also because he did not want think about Linda’s question. It really didn’t make any sense. If he really thought about it, Adam had every right to date and like whoever he wanted.

If Charlie was really honest with himself, it wasn’t any of his business whether Adam did or did not date. Or who for that matter.

But Charlie couldn’t help himself, he didn’t like it. He didn’t want things to change. With the end of high school just two years away, Charlie wanted to hold on to things as much as he could.

Linda left him there, and he eventually wandered away, trying to find fresh air. He had no idea how long he just aimlessly passed through the party, but he was startled when a loud whooping came from the direction of the bedrooms. He looked towards one of the doors and for a single moment his heart dropped.

Adam was standing in the room, with Madison Whalen wearing only a bra and her skirt.

He had to get out of there.

Charlie didn’t know whether Adam saw him, but he just stumbled backwards and by some miracle was able to make it to the front lawn. He was feeling sick, and he had no idea how he was going to get home. Whatever, maybe he would lie down and die on this rich person’s front lawn. That seemed preferable to everything else right now. He collapsed and stared up at the stars, which seemed to be circling, exacerbating the nausea that was beginning to rise in his stomach.

“You look terrible.”

Charlie looked up to see Linda standing over him. As if the night couldn’t get any worse.

“You don’t look that great yourself,” he said.

“That’s a lie,” she said, and after a pause she spoke again. “Do you need a ride back?”

“If you don’t mind,” he said, “though I think I live here now.”

Linda did manage to pull Charlie up and lead him to her car.

“You are so lucky I won my bet,” she said, “otherwise you might really be dead come morning. Though you will be if you even think of vomiting in my car.”

Charlie tried to give her a side eye but he couldn’t muster the energy. He slid into the front seat and laid his head back and tried to will himself into unconsciousness.

Linda didn’t speak to him at all on the ride back to Eden Hall. Or maybe she did and it all just flew past him. He just barely registered her taking him to his room and him subsequently collapsing on his bed.

Charlie didn’t hear Linda leave, just closed his eyes and let the world drift away.

And for the first time in days, Charlie didn’t dream.

 

* * *

  

Adam had really intended to give Madison a chance. He had really meant to. It didn’t matter that she was a girl, and Adam had never really thought of girls that way. Though truth be told he hadn’t really thought that way about many boys either. It had really just been Charlie.

Charlie was always the exception. That was the problem.

So, he would open himself up, he would try and get to know Madison, and maybe, just maybe it would work and Adam could move on to a normal life that wasn’t encumbered by a years long hopeless crush. And Madison was nice; they shared a few classes and, though Adam admitted he had never given her much thought before this party came into the picture, she wasn’t unattractive or any quality that would necessarily put him off. Maybe in another reality, he would think that Madison could very well be a girl that he would like.

But this wasn’t that reality, and whatever Adam had intended for that night vanished at the sight of Charlie lounging in the front seat of his car with the window down, waving his hand through the wind in sync with the music on the radio. It was one of those perfect moments where everything seemed to be exactly how it should be. Charlie relaxing in the front seat, Averman and Goldberg goofing off in the back. Maybe things would never be how Adam truly wanted them to be, but this was okay. If things could go on like this, then Adam would be content. Happy even.

So he resolved to be perfectly clear with Madison about where he stood; that he appreciated her affections but that he couldn’t return them. Simple as that.

But then Madison approached him and pulled him into the party and away from Charlie and the other Ducks.

“Do you want to drink?” Madison asked, holding out a red solo cup filled with something that Adam could only assume was some sort of a liquor.

“No, thank you,” he said andheld up his hand, “I’m driving.”

“Well then more for me,” Madison said, and smiled at him.

They talked, though Adam couldn’t really concentrate on the conversation. He kept trying to look through swarms of people for Charlie or Guy or even Goldberg and Averman.

Adam was completely out of his comfort zone. He only managed a bit of small talk, and he could tell that Madison was getting frustrated with his one word responses and awkward silence. If he had been more sure of himself or not worried about whatever was bothering Charlie, he might have just excused himself and apologized to Madison for unintentionally leading her on.

But he couldn’t get any of that out, and so when Madison pulled a girl named Kelly in and said she would like to play a game, Adam did very little to resist being dragged along with them.

When Charlie sat down next to him, Adam became hopeful that they could talk, but then of course Madison drew his name and that was how he had ended up here. In a closet.

Adam only thought about the irony of being stuck in a literal closet while metaphorically being in the closet.

“I have been waiting to get you alone all night,” Madison said and she placed a hand on his chest.

Adam gulped. He should say something, do something. But he froze.

Madison placed her drink (red wine) on a box next to her and Adam was forced to shift closer to her to avoid the corner of a frame from poking into his back. The closet was not small, but it certainly wasn’t designed to hold more than one person, or really anyone at all.

“So what do you want to do?” Madison said, “I’m all yours for seven minutes.”

“Well, we could talk,” Adam said, honestly that was the only scenario that made any real sense.

“Are you sure?” Madison asked, “because for you I would be okay if we do more than just talk.”

Adam bit his lip. He wasn’t going to lose his virginity (to a girl or not) in a closet, that was for sure.

“Yeah,” he said, “I mean, we don’t really know each other.”

Madison picked up the cup and took a sip as if trying to gather resolve to push further. Adam tried to pre-empt any further come on, but he accidentally waved his hand as he tried to tell her that they didn’t have to do anything and accidentally hit her cup, sending the red liquid all over Madison’s white button up.

“Shit, Madison, I’m so sorry,” he said, “I didn’t mean…”

Madison shook her head.

“It’s fine,” she said, “I don’t really want to be in here talking anyways.”

She opened the door and Adam followed her out. Adam looked to the spot where Charlie had been but he was nowhere to be seen. Before anyone else could react, Madison grabbed his hand and led him towards a bedroom just a little way off.

“What are…” he said.

“I need to change,” Madison said, “and, besides, you owe me seven minutes.”

They got to the room and Madison shut the door, and now Adam was really at a loss as to what to do. It was obviously Madison’s room, as evidenced by the posters on the wall and girlish stuffed animals. He had never been in a girl’s room before. Obviously.

“So you’re a fan of Dawson’s Creek,” Adam said, pointing to a poster of James Van Der Beek hanging on her wall.

Madison shrugged as she went into her closet.

Adam looked to the door. There had to be a way for him to get out of there as soon as possible.

Madison walked out of the closet with a shirt in hand and to Adam’s disbelief began to unbutton the stained blouse.

“Look, I don’t need to be here,” Adam said, “I can just wait outside.”

“Relax,” Madison said, “I brought you in here, remember. Besides, it isn’t like you’ve never seen a girl in a bra before.”

Adam hadn’t actually seen a girl in a bra before, but he wasn’t going to tell Madison that.

“Tell me Adam,” Madison said, discarding both the stained blouse and the clean shirt on her bed, “do you like me?”

It was a loaded question, one which Adam wasn’t entirely sure he knew the answer to.

“Sure,” he said, “you seem nice.”

He couldn’t think much when Madison closed the distance between them.

“I’m not looking for nice,” Madison said. “Look, Adam, I just want to have a little fun, and you seem like a great guy.”

Adam couldn’t say anything. He should have stopped her when she wrapped an arm around him and leaned in. He should have told her that there was nothing there. But he didn’t, because he remembered Charlie and how he was avoiding him.

He should have some fun, he thought to himself. So he allowed Madison to put her lips to his and even moved to kiss her back.

It wasn’t terrible, and she smelled nice, but Adam knew almost instinctively that this wasn’t how this was supposed to feel. He felt nothing. Well, not nothing. Feeling incredibly awkward was technically an emotion, just not one that someone ought to feel when kissing an attractive girl in their bedroom.

He put his hands up and gently began to push Madison away. This wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair to her. He felt like such a tool.

He was about to apologize when Goldberg came bounding into the room.

“Banks, you have to…”

Goldberg’s eyes went wide at the sight of Adam and Madison in the room.

“Whoa, Banksy, what do we have here….”

Goldberg on the verge of doing something incredibly insulting was enough to get Adam to move, and he immediately left Madison and began to push Goldberg out the door.

“Don’t even think about it, Goldberg,” Adam said.

The rest of the partygoers present began to hoot and holler and Adam instantly turned back to Madison, who had quickly slipped a shirt over her head.

“I’m so sorry,” Adam said, “Goldberg is an absolute mess. I’ll…”

“Adam, don’t worry about it,” she said. “Do you think I would have brought you into my room during my own partyy if I didn’t know that something like this could happen?”

“Yeah, but I get how guys are,” he said.

“There was no one but losers,” she said. “Don’t worry about it, this isn’t some teen movie.”

“Right,” he said.

“So it really didn’t do anything for you, did it?” Madison said.

“What?”

“Kissing me,” she said. “It’s pretty obvious that I was more into it than you were.”

“Look, I’m sorry,” he said. “This isn’t really my thing. I…”

“Adam, you don’t have to explain yourself,” she said, “I’m not hurt.”

“It’s not you,” he said. “You’re pretty and confident. I just am going through some stuff, that’s all.”

“Yeah,” she said and then smiled at him. “Well, if you ever get over it and want to try again, give me a call.”

Adam nodded, and walked out of the room.

“Way to go Banksy, number 1 both on the ice and off,” Goldberg said, coming up behind him.

“Shut up,” Adam said, “nothing happened.”

“Sure, only getting to second base with Madison Whelan,” Goldberg said

“I didn’t,” Adam insisted but he could tell his teammate wasn’t buying it, and he was too tired and exhausted to argue about it. Not to mention he was a bit embarrassed. The only time he said anything was when Averman made a quip congratulating him on his “achievement.”

“Cut it out, Averman,” he said.

“Whatever, everyone’s too drunk to notice,” Averman said, “though not too drunk to talk about it. Man, you two are the hottest couple to ever happen at this school.”

Adam once again protested that he and Madison were not a couple, though none of his denials were having any effect. Everyone seemed to be talking about his little “exploit” with Madison. It was the kind of attention that Adam had never wanted. What he wanted was to find Charlie. Charlie would know what to do. If only Adam could be sure that Charlie would speak to him at this point.

Adam didn’t miss the glare that Doug Hauser was shooting him, and he felt a bit unsettled. That couldn’t be good. But he didn’t think about it too much. Adam just wanted to sink away and disappear.

“Let’s go,” he said to Averman and Goldberg. “Meet me in the car in five minutes.”

“But there’s air hockey,” Goldberg said.

“It’s crap next to actual hockey,” Adam said, “and I’m tired.”

He looked everywhere for Charlie but could not find him. The house was big, but it wasn’t too big. He had no idea where Charlie could possibly be.

He got to his car and instantly sank into the front seat. He was pathetic, he told himself, all anxious about teenage shenanigans. He should just be done with it all. It wasn’t worth it. It was high school: in two years time everyone would be going their separate ways. Even the Ducks. Even Charlie. That was what he told himself. This was all temporary, he shouldn’t worry about it and get overly attached to how things were going. Except he had spent almost a decade getting attached.

Adam’s thoughts were interrupted when the car doors opened and Goldberg and Averman slid into the backseat.

However, it wasn’t Charlie who hobbled into front seat, but rather a very drunk Luis, half asleep from what smelled like cheap scotch.

“Where’s Charlie?” Adam asked looking to Averman in the backseat.

“Apparently, he got a ride home with Linda,” Averman said. “That’s what Julie said.”

“What, are they getting back together?” Goldberg asked, cutting in.

Adam said nothing. He bit his lip and tried to quiet the rumblings in the pit of the stomach. It shouldn’t matter. It was better this way. It wasn’t his business whether Charlie got together with anyone. He was never going to be with Adam.

Adam didn’t say anything the whole way home. He brought Luis to his dorm room and made his way back to his own. Linda came out through the door just as Adam reached his dorm room. She gave him a slight smile when she passed him.

“I’d be sure to have water and aspirin handy in the morning,” she said.

He didn’t say anything, only nodded, and then walked into the room to find Charlie splayed out on his bed, still dressed but sleeping.

Adam didn’t disturb him. He got undressed and climbed into his own bed and willed himself to sleep and forget everything. That night, Charlie, the future.

Adam wanted to forget it all.

 

* * *

 

All things considered, Charlie didn’t feel that terrible the morning after. Sure, his head felt like a brick had been slammed into it and he could almost feel the bile rise through his throat. But he kept it down, and looked away from the sun peering through the blinds.

He sat up and took a deep breath and tried to steady himself. Thank god that hockey hadn’t officially started yet, otherwise he would have been in big trouble. The only other saving grace was that apparently passing out drunk seemed to be a surefire way for him not to dreamabout Adam.

Speaking of Adam, Charlie hadn’t registered that Adam wasn’t in the room until he came walking in.

“You’re up,” Adam said as he sat down on the edge of his own bed..

“Uh yeah, I feel like shit though,” Charlie said and looked up at Adam, “did everyone get back okay?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Adam said and held out a bottle of water and a packet of aspirin. “Here, I got this for you, figured you’d need it.”

“Thanks,” Charlie took it and they sat silently while Charlie downed the water and the aspirin.

“We don’t have anything today, do we?” Charlie asked, praying silently that the answer was no so he could just go back to sleep and not wake up until Monday morning.

“A team meeting at three, Coach will probably name the Captain today since practice starts this week,” Adam said.

“Right,” Charlie said, “good thing it’s not going to be me.”

Adam gave him a smile.

“Are you sure about that?” Adam asked.

“He’ll pick a senior,” Charlie said, “besides, I just made varsity.”

“If I recall that was your choice,” Adam said, “you should have made it last year.”

“Some things are more important,” Charlie said, “If I hadn’t…”

“No, I understand.”

They lapsed into an easy silence and Charlie smiled. This felt better, no anxiety or awkward tension, just the comfortable silence of two friends who knew each other so well. Though unfortunately it didn’t last long when Charlie’s mood soured as the events of the previous evening came back to him.

“So, you and Madison Whalen, huh?” Charlie said, trying to sound as if that was the least important thing to him.

Adam looked away and Charlie noticed the twinge of red come to Adam’s cheeks. He couldn’t recall whether he had ever seen Adam look like that before.

It wasn’t a bad look.

“It was nothing,” Adam said, “Averman and Goldberg might tell you differently, but nothing happened.”

Charlie didn’t know whether to believe him or not—he had seen them, after all— but Charlie was pretty sure Adam didn’t know that.

“Are you together?” Charlie asked, trying his best to sound casual, but not succeeding. It was hard to feign disinterest when your head felt like it was being crushed by an anvil.

Adam looked at him.

“Are you and Linda?” Adam asked, and Charlie almost jumped at the question and the sharp tone.

“Are me and Linda what?” Charlie asked, that comment seemed to come out of nowhere.

“Are you and Linda together?”

Charlie laughed.

“What makes you think that?” he asked.

“She took you home last night,” Adam said, “I didn’t know you two were still friendly.”

Charlie tried to focus, to remember the particulars of the previous evening. He was mostly coming up short on cogent memories.

“Well, she happened to be around and had a car,” Charlie said, “and I was pretty drunk so I took her up on the offer.”

“So you’re not back together?”

“God, no,” Charlie said, “I am not going down that road again.”

“You two didn’t end that badly,” Adam said, “I mean, not that we ever really talked about it.”

Charlie didn’t know why they had to have this conversation now while his head was still throbbing. Why the sudden keen interest on Adam’s part?

“Yeah, but she broke up with me,” he said. “Does Linda strike you as the kind of person to get back with an ex?”

“I don’t really know her all that well,” Adam said, “but you were avoiding me last night. I thought maybe that was why.”

“Well, she’s not. She’s my lab partner in Chemistry,” Charlie said, “we could maybe be friends, but I don’t think that getting back together will ever be in the cards. I mean, after last night, I don’t think I can face her again even in a purely platonic sense. Oh my god, I hope I didn’t barf her in her car. She’ll kill me.”

Adam nodded and they slipped back into silence. Charlie eventually asked his original question again. He had to know.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Charlie asked, “what’s the deal with you and Madison?”

Adam sighed.

“Nothing,” Adam said, “we made out, and that’s it.”

Charlie rubbed at his temple. He really hoped that the aspirin would kick in some time soon.

“Making out is technically something,” Charlie said.

“It was a mistake,” Adam said.

“If you say so.” Charlie looked at Adam and sighed. This wasn’t helping.

“Look man, it’s not big deal. She seemed nice. If something happened you could tell me,” Charlie said.

“Of course I’d tell you,” Adam said and in a slightly softer, less resolute tone he stated, “you’re my best friend.”

Charlie hated that he wasn’t reassured by Adam’s statement. Maybe it had always been there, but the unease he could hear in Adam’s voice let Charlie know there was some sort of a barrier between them. There were things that Adam was not telling him. Maybe there had always been something between them and Charlie had just been too oblivious. And he didn’t know why he was noticing now, maybe it was because one began to pay more attention when one had had a not insubstantial amount of sex dreams about his best friend.

Charlie still mentally insisted that they meant nothing, just a weird mix of different thoughts in his mind that manifested as really intense and emotional sex dreams about Adam for some unfathomable reason. But, they were bringing up doubts in his mind. Doubts about how good of friends they really were. But Charlie didn’t push further, because he knew that confronting Adam meant maybe confronting things about himself. Things he wasn’t yet ready or even knew that he had to face.

He was stirred from his thoughts when he heard Adam say something.

“What was that?” Charlie asked, and shrugged when Adam sighed. He would blame it on the hangover if Adam questioned it.

“I said, if you want breakfast we should go now, the cafeteria stops serving it in a half an hour,” Adam said.

“Oh, right,” Charlie said, and move to get up.

“I would change if I were you.”

Charlie shot him a look, but Adam was right. His clothes reeked of cheap liquor and while technically it was a Saturday—so no classes— any insinuation of underage drinking was frowned upon. Adam walked out the door and Charlie quickly threw on the first set of clean clothes he came across. He met Adam in the hallway and they made their way to the cafeteria.

It was going to be a very long day.

  
The team met in the stands at the rink. Charlie thought they could have grabbed their skates and done drills on the ice; sitting in the stands just staring at the rink was torture. Not that Charlie was really in any shape to do anything. Though the headache and queasiness had long since passed, he still felt groggy. Maybe some people could sleep okay after having passed out drunk, but Charlie was not one of them.

“Pssst, Charlie...”

Charlie looked back to see Averman hovering over him.

“What is it?” Charlie said “And not so loud, alright?”

“Right, drink a little much?”

Charlie glared and Averman put his hands up in defeat.

“Did you get the details from Banksy?”

“Details about what?” Charlie asked though he already suspected exactly what Averman was talking about. He looked down to where Adam was standing at the bottom of the stands talking with Dwayne and Julie. They were laughing about some sort of thing that Dwayne was saying, but Adam was more reserved. He was always more reserved, always on guard.

He got so enraptured studying Adam that Averman had to repeat himself a couple of times before Charlie registered that he was talking to him.

“That Adam got it on with Madison Whelan at the party last night,” Averman said.

“Oh right,” Charlie said, “Adam said nothing happened, just they made out apparently.”

“It looked like a bit more than making out to me,” Averman said.

Charlie grimaced. There it was, that ping of…something. He couldn’t think too hard on it.

“He said it was nothing,” Charlie said.

“They made out and she was topless, doesn’t sound like nothing to me,” Averman said.

Charlie gulped. Adam had told him not to believe Averman, that it wasn’t what it seemed. But still there was doubt. Adam was hiding something. But Adam had never lied. He had omitted saying things like when his wrist was injured at the Junior Goodwill Games, but he had never outright said something that was blatantly untrue.

“Maybe,” Charlie said, “but I don’t think they went any further than that. He said they aren’t together.”

“Ahhh, too bad, they looked really cute together,” Averman said.

Charlie sighed. Cute was not the word Charlie would use to describe it.

“Look, if Adam said nothing happened, nothing happened,” he said.

Adam may be keeping something from Charlie, but Charlie trusted him. Maybe one day they could get to a place where that barrier was gone. But right now, Charlie would rather live in a world where he trusted Adam than one where he didn’t.

“Alright team, is everyone here?”

Coach Orion, with Assistant Coach Warren coming up behind him, walked along the front before standing in the middle of the gathered players. He barked out names for roll call, and Charlie looked to each person as their names were called. He felt better. Having the whole team there, preparing to start another season, fully reunited was enough to put his mind at ease. If all else failed, at least he had this.

“Now, we are two months away from the start of the season. I know a lot of you are happy to have made it here,” Orion said looking directly at Charlie as he said it.

Charlie smiled. It had been an unorthodox request to remain on the junior varsity squad his sophomore year, but Charlie stuck to it. The Ducks were the team and Charlie did what he had to do to keep them together. Any personal ambition on his part could be put aside. Beside it wasn’t like any huge hockey dreams were in his future the way they were for Adam and Julie. Sure, hockey would be a great way to make sure that Charlie could afford college but Charlie had no illusions about his future in the sport. It wasn’t enough of one to sacrifice the things that were truly important to Charlie.

He knew that the ones who didn’t make varsity that sophomore year would be at risk of dropping out and they had already lost a lot of their ranks since that original District 5 PeeWee team. Karp, Peter, Tommy, Tammy, Jessie. When Jessie had decided not to follow the team to Eden Hall and go to the local high school instead it was a major blow. Then with the departure of Coach Bombay and the death of Hans, Charlie knew he had to do whatever he could to keep what was left of the remaining Ducks together. They couldn’t lose another person. Until the final game senior year, they were going to fly together.

And after that…

Well Charlie would deal with it when it happened.

“Now, as you know, we have met with all of you over the past few weeks to set out individual goals, as well as to decide who we need to step forward and lead this team into the coming season.”

There were calls of approval from the crowd.

“And looking at the composite of this team, and knowing what I know of each one of you,” Coach Orion said, “it should be no surprise to any of you that your Varsity Captain for this season will be Charlie Conway.”

The team as a whole cheered at that, and Charlie just shook his head as Portman and Fulton patted him on the back. Coach Orion beckoned him up to the front and Charlie finally stood up and made his way to the front.

“Well, most of you know me,” he said, trying to meet everyone in the eye at least once. “Sorry it took me so long to join the rest of you.”

“Damn straight, Spazway,” Guy said from the back and most of the Ducks laughed. It even got a chuckle out of a few of the seniors.

“But we’re Ducks, and we know how to do it,” Charlie said, “so let’s do what we do best. And show everyone else, both in this school and outside, what we’re made of.”

It was cheesy, but one, he was just hours off of recovering from a hangover and two, he kind of liked cheesy speeches. They made him feel good, made him believe that anything was possible. And anything was. He had seen it multiple times. Every win and every loss had taught him something new. The team, long used to cheesy pep talks didn’t heckle him too much.

Coach Orion took the floor back and just went over a few expectations as well as the practice and training schedule. It was bad of him, and completely inappropriate as the newly appointed Captain, but he only half listened. They would get it all in paper form anyways.

He just tried to focus. Everything was going to be good, they were all together and it was going to be a great season.

Nothing was going to get in the way of that. It would be just like old times.

Nothing would change.

Charlie took one last look down to where Adam was sitting.

It would be fine. Nothing would change.

Nothing at all.

 

* * *

  

After the team meeting, Adam and Charlie made their way back to his room, though Charlie didn’t end up staying that long, rather he went to join Luis and Guy in the student lounge for a round of video games. They'dd invited Adam, but he passed; he had a paper due on Monday, and he wanted to finish it. If he could get it complete, he could possibly squeeze in a practice on the ice on Sunday. The first practice on Tuesday was too far away for Adam’s liking. Between the secret time on the rink with Charlie and the sight of the ice at the meeting, Adam was itching to get back into the swing of things.

He did not end up finishing his paper, but it didn’t matter. He was able to sneak in an hour on the ice where he had meant to do a drill or two, but rather just pushed the puck across the ice. It wasn’t as fun as when Charlie was there, but Charlie had gone out with the team—or more specifically the seniors—in an effort to bond the team together .

Adam had passed on going. He was happy for Charlie, even though he knew his father would give him an earful about it the next time he saw him. Adam didn’t care about being Captain; he just wanted to play with Charlie and everyone else.

Adam knew how good a player he was, he didn’t need an extra title to prove that. Besides it was Charlie’s team more than his.

Besides his mind always seemed to clear when he was on the ice, and time on the ice was just what he needed.

Adam was finally able to sort things out from the party the night before. While, he was confident that everything was fine with the team and Charlie seemed okay, he worried about what come Monday morning. He remembered the look Doug Hauser had given him, and there had been lot of people at that party. Who knew what sort of things people would say?

He was mostly worried for Madison’s sake. Adam knew how these things usually spun out of control. He didn’t know what he could say that would lessen any damage to her reputation. If only he had stuck with his original plan, then he would not have been in this mess. He should probably ask Charlie for advice, but Adam was embarrassed. He knew speaking about it would risk the truth coming out. Better for Charlie to think that there had been something illicit that happened than for him to realize the truth.

And Charlie learning the truth could never happen. At least not yet.

He knew the truth would come out eventually, but Adam hoped that it was still a ways off and he was well done with his feelings for Charlie by the time that it happened.

He sought Madison out early on Monday, but she once again reassured him that she would be fine. She had dirt on over half the school so if they really wanted to try anything she wouldn’t be alone.

And that was that, or so Adam thought. Except every so often he would hear a whisper or he would catch someone staring at him.

He tried to ignore it. Better to give no reaction with the hope that people would get bored and move on. But as the week went on, he began to notice it more and more. They were were talking about something. Something to do with him.

It was probably just them gossiping about what happened, and that gossip should only work in Adam’s favor. Madison hadn’t seemed worried about it, so why should he? It would all just blow over soon.

But not soon enough, because later in the week, while he was pulling things from his gym locker to do laundry, Doug Hauser approached him. Adam judged by his expression that it wasn’t going to be good.

“So, I saw you with Madison last Friday,” Doug said.

“Oh yeah?” Adam asked, just barely keeping his voice steady enough not to betray the nerves that he was feeling.

“Oh yeah,” Doug said, “bet you think you’re the big man. Grabbing the Dalton award last year and now Madison. You really are hot stuff.”

Adam didn’t say anything, but looked to the exit and wondered whether it was possible for him to just leave. Doug was just being a jerk as usual. Adam just needed to hold his ground.

“However, I have it on good authority that you aren’t quite as hot as you think you are,” Hauser said, and Adam shot him a look.

“How hot do you think I think I am?” Adam asked, hoping that the bravado he was exhibiting was working.

“What I mean, Banksy, is that I have it on good authority that what people saw that night was not what it seemed,” Hauser said. “You couldn’t get it up, could you?”

Adam froze. Of all the consequences of the debacle on Friday, this was the last one that Adam expected. He had figured that he would have to defend Madison or keep control of some exaggeration of his exploits. Not this. There was no way that Doug Hauser could possibly know.

“I asked myself, how could a guy like you not be able to close the deal with a girl like Madison Whalen?” Hauser said. “I could only come up with one answer.”

Adam didn’t say anything. He could’ve said that he and Madison were interrupted and it had nothing to do with being able to “get it up” or whatever Doug was thinking.

“And the only thing I could come up with…”

A chill went up in Adam’s spine. It was like he could see what Hauser was about to say, and he swallowed the nerves. Hauser couldn’t know. There was no possible way Hauser could know when no one on his team suspected.

“What’s your point, Hauser?” Adam asked, interrupting.

Hauser smiled, obviously enjoying Adam’s discomfort at the situation

“All I’ve got to say, is I guess we all know the real reason why your teammates call you cake-eater.”

And Adam knew what the whispers and stares he had noticed all week were about.

Doug Hauser had spread the idea that Adam didn’t have sex with Madison Whelan because Adam was gay.

Adam closed his eyes and silently counted to ten. Hauser was going on speculation, he didn’t have actual proof. And Charlie was right, Hauser had been gunning for him since he had come to Eden Hall for the acclaim Adam had received when Hauser’s own actual accomplishments were very minimal. A mediocre football career that Hauser had probably bribed himself into through his father. Let him be petty, he didn’t have anything to actually show for it. Adam would be fine.

It didn’t matter that Hauser had accidentally spread a rumor that happened to be true.

He opened his eyes and looked Hauser straight in the eye.

“You’re just jealous, Hauser,” Adam said, “you’ve been eyeing Madison since freshman year, everyone knows it. You’re just jealous because she won’t give you the light of day. So you think you can spread a few things to try to get to me. Well, it isn’t going to work. I would go back to doing what you do best. Oh wait, that wouldn’t be anything.”

And Adam turned his back to Hauser, slung his gym bag over his shoulder and walked straight out the locker room, trying to shut out Hauser cursing him on full blast behind.

This display wouldn’t be enough, he knew. But it was something. He didn’t know what he would do if anyone on the team asked him about it. What would they say? Would they pass it off as lies and Doug Hauser being a jealous bastard? Or would they think it was true and avoid him? What would Averman or Portman or Fulton or Luis do?

What would Charlie do?

Adam stopped in the hall, a sense of panic invaded his every thought. Charlie couldn’t know. Because if Charlie heard it, he would ask Adam and Adam wouldn’t be able to lie.

Not to Charlie. He could avoid saying anything, to lie by omission. But if Charlie asked, well, Adam would have to come clean and then... Well, Adam didn’t want to think about it.

He made it to his next class just in time with the bell, and did his best to shut out the thoughts and the stares.

He could deal with all that. Doug Hauser didn’t matter. The other students didn’t matter.

Charlie mattered, and now Adam knew, it was only a matter of time before he lost him.

 


	3. Junior Year :: Fall :: Part III :: Fight Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warning: For homophobic language/slurs that may be upsetting and rough for some audiences.**
> 
> Thank you to [@RunaLiore](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RunaLiore/pseuds/RunaLiore), and [@satelliteinsupernova](https://archiveofourown.org/users/satelliteinasupernova/pseuds/satelliteinasupernova) for the read-through and beta.

Despite his brief foray into underage drunkenness, Charlie’s week had been going great for the most part. Hockey practice had started, he had managed not to fall behind in any of his classes and most importantly, he hadn’t had that dream since the night of the party.

Yes, everything was back to normal, as it should be.

That was, of course, until Linda had completely ruined everything Thursday morning right before the bell rang.

Charlie actually went to class early; he was still coming off the adrenaline from the previous day’s practice and he wanted sketch out plays or line up suggestions to give Coach Orion later. It was an opportune time, as Charlie could only imagine what sort of dilemmas and distractions would come up throughout the day. Everyone always went to Charlie with their problems and Charlie would always fix them.

Charlie was good at fixing things.

“Hey, I need to talk to you.”

Charlie looked up from his notebook to see Linda standing over him, books in hand, and looking surprisingly worried for a day where there was no test or something due. He reflexively shifted away when she leaned in. Something about her mood was making him uneasy. She had never been this serious with him, at least, not since they had dated.

“You think? Look, if it’s about the notes from yesterday, I already got them from Bodie over there,” Charlie said, pointing to one of the geeks in the back, “I think you and me can eke out a B if we butter up that one real nice.”

Linda rolled her eyes. Charlie smiled and felt a bit better. It couldn’t be that bad if she was still allowing him to tease her, he thought. He had come to enjoy the daily verbal banter they had going. Honestly, Charlie realized he much preferred being friends with Linda than actually dating Linda.

“This isn’t about Chemistry,” Linda said.

“Ok, then what is it? I have a hockey game against Wyndham in two weeks that I need to prepare for,” he said.

Linda bit her lip and her eyes seemed to dart across the classroom as if to make sure no one else was listening. She was nervous, which in turn made him nervous. He didn’t like it at all.

“Linda, come on, you can tell me if something is bothering you,” Charlie said, “We’re…friends.”

Linda gave a small smile.

“This isn’t about me, I just…well, people are talking,” she said.

“People always talk, last I checked it is what people tend to do,” Charlie said.

“No, I mean there have been rumors going around. Of a sensitive nature.”

Charlie hadn’t heard anything–granted he didn’t much listen to high school gossip all that much. What was so interesting about the life of a bunch of rich high school kids? Charlie had bigger problems, like trying to get Goldberg to really commit to being a defenseman as opposed to a goalie.

“I haven’t heard anything,” Charlie said aloud, “But so what? Everyone is talking shit all the time. You, yourself, used to tell me that it’s all…what did you used to say? ‘Frivolous concoctions of the entitled, uneducated masses’.”

Linda sighed, but instead of spouting something sarcastic back like Charlie had hoped, her tone turned serious again. If Charlie hadn’t already been a bit unnerved by her behavior before, he would have been at that. If Linda wasn’t even going to make the obligatory protest that she wasn’t a walking stereotype as per usual, then something was really wrong.

“Well Doug Hauser…”

“Doug Hauser is an asshole,” Charlie interrupted, “If he’s saying anything about me or the team it’s just sour grapes. He’s just pissed we have a winning record and that we forced the mascot change. Really, Smalls, have some perspective.”

Linda shot him a confused look.

“You never saw The Sandlot?” Charlie said, “Damn, what did we do when we were dating?”

Linda didn’t answer the question, once again resisting Charlie’s attempt to lighten the mood. She took in a breath and Charlie watched as she relaxed her shoulders. Charlie instinctively tensed, waiting for Linda to get out whatever secret she had been holding in.

“Charlie, listen, Doug Hauser is telling everyone that Adam is gay.”

Charlie stilled, and Linda continued. Whatever shit Charlie had expected Hauser to say, that was most definitely not what Charlie would have expected.

“I mean, he’s saying that’s why Adam wasn’t able to ‘close the deal’ with Madison last week,” Linda said, “That he must be gay. And I think people believe it. People are talking. To me, even.”

“That’s not true. Adam and Madison made out,” Charlie said,, “I saw them in her room. You remember my drunken display at that party. Doug Hauser is just a jealous bastard. He can’t compete so he is going to say some bullshit that everyone knows is bullshit.”

“Of course, but I was worried,” she said, “and Adam isn’t my friend, so I wanted to ask you if he was okay.”

“He hasn’t said anything; maybe he doesn’t know?” Charlie said, he tried to think if he had noticed anything off with Adam this week, but couldn’t quite think of anything off the top of his head.

He couldn’t have known, otherwise why wouldn’t Adam have told him that something was bothering him? Not that Adam couldn’t handle himself, Charlie thought. But, still...

“I find that hard to believe. Does Doug Hauser seem like the kind of guy who wouldn’t shove something like this in Adam’s face,” Linda said.

“Yeah, but Adam would have said something,” Charlie said.

Linda gave him a look that Charlie was definitely not going to interpret. It was almost like she was stopping herself from saying what she was really thinking.

“Well, whatever, I thought you would want to know,” Linda said, “he’s your friend.”

“He’s fine,” Charlie said, “He can handle himself.”

Charlie really did believe that–It wasn’t his place to step in. But the thought of Doug Hauser spreading crap about Adam made Charlie want to punch something. Or more accurately someone. Suddenly, the hockey game and even soon-to-start Chemistry class were not the most pressing things on Charlie’s mind.

“Charlie, can I ask you something and you’ll promise, you won’t be mad?” Linda asked.

He had even forgotten that Linda was there, too preoccupied with his anger and trying to think how he could best get back at a certain prep school quarterback.

“What could you possibly ask that would make me angry?” Charlie asked, although honestly at the moment, there were plenty of things she could have said that would upset him.

“Well, I just wanted to know whether you think it’s possible that he’s right,” Linda replied.

“Who’s right?” Charlie asked.

“Hauser. Do you think he could be right. Do you think Adam could be gay?”

Charlie paused. The thought that Adam was or could possibly be gay had never occurred to him. How was he supposed to answer that? Should he protest that of course Adam wasn’t gay, Hauser was just being a jealous jackass, or would that come off like he was saying that being gay was bad? But if Adam wasn’t gay then did that matter? Either way, Charlie didn’t like it.

“I don’t think so,” Charlie said, “but I told you, we don’t really talk about stuff like that. Why, do you think he is?”

Linda shrugged, and Charlie didn’t know whether he was more annoyed or confused by her flippancy. Going by the look on her face, Charlie could tell that she definitely had thoughts.

“It would make sense,” she said.

“How would it make sense?” Charlie asked, “I’ve known the guy for years, and it…”

Linda put a hand up to stop him.

“Come on Charlie, he never dates or shows any interest in girls. Believe me, people have noticed. He spends all his time with you and the team,” Linda said.

“He’s just focused,” Charlie said, “I told you before, he has a big future, he doesn’t need the distractions of dating or a girlfriend. It doesn’t mean he’s gay, it may just mean he doesn’t have time.”

“Ok, but be honest Charlie, has he ever expressed interest in a girl, like real interest?” Linda asked.

“No,” Charlie said, “but he hasn’t told me he’s gay either. If Adam was gay, then he would tell me. We’re best friends for God’s sake.”

Linda suddenly gave him a look of what Charlie could only interpret as pity, and he now thought that he should probably ask for a new lab partner.

“You know, Charlie, sometimes it’s harder to tell things like that to the people you’re closest too,” Linda said, “I mean something like that can change things. And Adam doesn’t seem like the most forthcoming of people.”

“Maybe,” Charlie said, “but I wouldn’t like, hate him or anything like that. He should know there is nothing to worry about.”

“But does he know that?” Linda asked.

Charlie ran a hand through his hair and leaned back in his chair. It was too early in the morning to be tackling something like this.

“Of course he does,” Charlie said, but honestly he wasn’t too sure. Charlie had been a bit preoccupied this year, to the point where he had explicitly tried to avoid Adam a couple of times due to that damn dream. Charlie didn’t know if he would tell him something like this if he were in Adam’s position.

“And even if he is gay, how would Hauser know that and not me?” Charlie asked, he was now desperate to change the subject.

“Look Charlie, I’m not trying to pick a part your friendship, I just thought you should know what was being said. I’m not saying that Adam is gay. And I don’t think Hauser knows; it’s like you said, he’s jealous and just wants to tear you guys down. But I just wanted to make sure Adam was okay so I asked you.”

“Yeah,” Charlie said, because now he was worried about that too. But he had no idea how he would ask Adam about it, especially if Adam wasn’t saying anything on his own.

But the idea that Adam might be gay bothered him, or rather, it sparked something strange inside him. He tried not to think of The Dream. That was entirely Charlie’s problem and had nothing to do with Adam being gay. But still, it did beg the question…

Charlie shut that line of thinking right down. That was ridiculous. Adam being gay didn’t matter, all he knew was that, Doug Hauser better watch his back the next time he saw him.

Linda didn’t push the conversation any further, and Charlie lapsed back into his own thoughts. This news or train of thought didn’t allow him to focus on hockey or even class when it started. All he really picked up was that apparently they would be doing some sort of presentation.

“We can meet after eighth period right?” Linda asked when the bell rang and they were gathering their books to head out.

“What?” Charlie asked, he hadn’t heard a single thing Linda or the teacher had said.

“Meet in the library after eighth period to work on the project?” Linda said, “If I recall, you don’t have practice on Thursdays.”

“Sometimes we do,” Charlie said, but backed off when Linda side-eyed him, so he added a weak, “but not today.”

“Good,” she said, “meet me there and we can plot out our ridiculously mediocre presentation on one of the many fine qualities of one of the elements of the periodic table.”

She obviously knew that Charlie had no idea what had even happened in the last hour.

“Right.”

Thank god, they didn’t share any other classes, he thought.

Charlie spent the rest of the day trying to see if he could hear these rumors, but no one ever said anything to him. Linda could be wrong, maybe Doug Hauser just said something petty and Linda thought it had spread wider than it had. When lunch went by and nothing out of the ordinary happened, Charlie decided he would forget it. It was nothing, Adam was fine and there were no weird looks or conspiracies about anybody that Charlie cared about.

And it worked, he was even able to properly focus on the Chemistry project when he met Linda at the library. He wanted to do Arsenic or Uranium, something cool and interesting, but Linda gave him grief about being too obvious. She finally agreed to do Plutonium and Charlie admitted to himself that he may have overdone it with the Back to the Future references.

“That’s a pretty cliche idea for a project, Charlie,” Linda said when Charlie mentioned that he could dress as Doc Brown.

“I’m a fan of cliches. Besides you get to be Marty McFly,” he said, “or you could be Lea Thompson, but I think you wouldn’t be down with the accidental incest plot.”

“I think I’ll pass,” Linda said.

So despite what they had discussed in the morning, Charlie was in good spirits when they left the library. Charlie thought about dropping by Coach’s office to pilfer the keys to the rink, so that he and Adam could run drills later. That would be a definite pick-me-up. For both Charlie and Adam.

So Charlie thought nothing could bring him down, until he saw Doug Hauser hanging around the water fountain when he was walking Linda back to the dormitory.

Ok, one thing could get him down.

“Just ignore him,” Linda said.

Charlie agreed. As much as he would like to punch Doug Hauser’s lights out, it was for the best he let it go. Charlie was quite good at taking the high road in most instances. Key word being most.

And Doug Hauser was not about to make it easy for Charlie.

“Well if it isn’t Charlie Conway, Spazoid himself,” Hauser yelled across the hall, and Charlie would have done anything to wipe away the shit stain grin on Hauser’s face.

“That’s Captain Spazway to you,” Charlie called right back. Taking the high road did not mean that he couldn’t get one minor jab in at least.

“Whatever, so where are your little ducklings,” Hauser said, “Do they know how to function when you’re not around?”

“You know Hauser, you talk a pretty big game for someone who has yet to go a quarter without getting sacked at least twice,” Charlie retorted.

He was aiming low, Hauser wasn’t that terrible, it was just the offensive line that was crap. But Charlie didn’t care. If Hauser wanted to dish out meaningless insults, he could at least learn to take them.

“Can you just lay off, Doug,” Linda said.

Hauser scrunched his face in a look of disgust as he turned towards Linda.

“Why don’t you go back to your crusade for better lunchmeat, don’t think I forget that it was partly because of you that this school was so defiled,” Doug said.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Linda asked.

“Just saying, that I’m tired of this school having to suck up to your little ex boyfriend and his second rate posse for good publicity, when it’s my family that makes this school what it is,” Doug said.

“Maybe win some games and then they’ll wipe your ass too,” Charlie said.

“You think you and your team are so hot, Conway, well let me tell you, this place was a whole lot better before your little trash wannabes came here. If it wasn’t for that washed up Coach and second rate lawyer of yours, you all would be where you belong. A bunch of has beens living in some run down ghetto.”  
  
Charlie should have just left right then and there, but Hauser was baiting him. Maybe it was the conversation from that morning, but Charlie couldn’t just leave. If he did, he knew it would never stop. And it really needed to stop.

“You keep me and mine out of your mouth Hauser,” Charlie said, “or…”

“Or else you’ll do what? You are just as much a pansy as Banks,” Hauser said.

Charlie clenched his fists. The sound of Adam’s name unsettled him; the rumor became fresh in his mind. He just had to go there, didn’t he?

“Who you calling pansy?” Charlie said. He felt Linda try to pull him away but he brushed her off.

Hauser sneered.

“Tell me, do you eat cake too, or do you just frost it for him,” Hauser said, obviously sensing he had struck a nerve, “because let me tell you, your star center is a complete and utter sorry excuse for a man, a fucking fudgepacker if you know what I mean.”

Charlie punched Hauser square on the jaw. It was an impulse. He gave no thought to his options, he just let Hauser’s remark go. He hadn’t even realized he had done it until Hauser punched him back. He took a minute to regain his footing before hurling himself at Hauser head on. He could barely hear Linda yelling in the background, he was just blind with anger at that point. It seemed like they had traded countless blows before Charlie finally slammed Hauser against the lockers.

“You just try and say that shit to me again,” Charlie said.

“Struck a nerve, Conway?” Hauser said, and Charlie was of half of mind to just knock him out right there, but he still had some handle on his senses, so he held back.

“No, just wanted to give your overcompensating ass the beating it deserved,” Charlie said, “if I hear you say any more of that bullshit that you’ve been spouting, I can guarantee you that not even your mother will recognize your face once I and most likely Portman is through with you.”

“Look man…”

“What in God’s name is going on here?”

Mr Turner, the assistant Headmaster, came barging out of his office and Charlie instinctively backed off and glared at Hauser who straightened up, still smirking. Even with his right eye throbbing, Charlie could have stood to go another round. He had to make sure Hauser was done with his petty little vendetta. Of course, he felt that until he noticed Coach Orion coming up behind Mr. Turner.

With that all the fight went right out of him. Linda stood towards the back, and she silently mouthed the words “I’m sorry.” Charlie bowed his head. He was sure in for it now.

“What’s the meaning of this, Charlie?” Coach Orion asked, and Charlie said nothing.

“Whatever this is it stops right here. Hauser, come with me,” Turner said, leading Hauser away to what Charlie could best tell was his office.

Once they were safely out of sight, Charlie fully turned to face Orion. If it had been anyone else he would have protested or made some pitiful excuse. But he couldn’t do that, Orion would see right through it, and Charlie honestly respected the man too much to even try.

Orion didn’t say anything, but turned to Linda.

“Miss Hewitt, please get an ice pack from the nurse’s office and bring it to my office for Mr. Conway,” Orion said and then he turned back to Charlie, “Go to my office. Do not stop or talk to anyone on your way there. You understand?”

Charlie nodded and watched Linda scurry off down the hall, though she did manage to shoot him one last sympathetic look when she passed him.

Orion walked away and Charlie made the silent trip to Orion’s office. The pain from the bruises he had amassed from the fight had begun to build and now he definitely couldn’t see out of his right eye. Even if Charlie had wanted to think of trying to get out of Coach’s inevitable verbal lashing, he had no energy to do it.

Once at Orion’s office, he slid into one of the wooden chairs across from the desk and closed his eyes and tried to pretend that this wasn’t really happening.

He’d really screwed up.

“Are you ok?” Charlie opened his one good eye and looked up to see Linda standing in the doorway, ice pack in hand. Charlie gladly took it and laid tilted his head back and just allowed the cold press of the ice soothe the pain in his eye.

“Honestly, I don’t know,” he said.

Charlie didn’t say anything else, just let Linda sit next to him; she put a hand to his shoulder and gently rubbed his back in a comforting motion. This worked to clear his head, because he was finally able to actually think about what had just happened.

It would have been fine if Hauser had just not brought up Adam, he thought. He’d had things under control until Hauser just had to bring Adam up. Why did Hauser have to single Adam out anyways? Adam was not that different from the general student body. Hell, if any of the Ducks were best poised to fit in at Eden Hall, it would be Adam. He wasn’t disruptive or loud or rebellious like say Portman or Goldberg or even Charlie at times. There was no good reason for it.

If Hauser should be talking shit about anyone, it should be Charlie. Charlie was the Duck’s Captain. He’s the one who made the huge fuss freshman year that lead to the mascot change and it was he who represented the team That had to be why he had been so overwhelmed with anger that he had punched Hauser. There was no other possible explanation.

None at all.

His thoughts were interrupted when Coach Orion walked in and took the seat across for him. Linda gave Charlie one last glance of encouragement and then left him there.

“What happened, Conway?” Orion asked.

Charlie pressed the ice pack to his eye and looked out the window of Orion’s office to the courtyard outside, he didn’t answer, at least not right away. He wondered whether the fifth amendment applied to a situation like this. He probably should have paid more attention during Civics.

“Witnesses said you were the one who threw the first punch. Is that true?”

Charlie knew he couldn’t lie. He nodded.

“What is going on Charlie? I thought we were past stunts like this?” Coach Orion asked and Charlie honestly couldn’t blame him for his exasperation. With his track record, he would probably be angry too.

Charlie shook his head.

“This isn’t like freshman year, Coach. Doug Hauser was just saying crap and I just got fed up and so I decided to do something about it.”

“And punching him is doing something?” Coach Orion said, “Charlie, you can’t solve problems off the ice the way you do on.”

“Pretty sure I’m not allowed to punch a defenseman on the ice, Coach.”

Charlie quickly shut up when Orion shot him a look as if to say ‘don’t push your luck’. That wasn’t going to work today, there was no charming his way out of this.

“Look, I’m sorry. I tried to walk away but Hauser just crossed the line and so I lost it,” Charlie said.

Orion sighed and rubbed his temple, Charlie could feel his disappointment and he felt guilty. He had put Coach Orion through the ringer freshman year, and this whole thing wasn’t his fault.

“Charlie, you are the Captain of a team that, including yourself, is made up of a bunch of students on scholarship that stick out like a pack of sore thumbs. You don’t have the luxury of losing it,” Orion said.

“And Hauser does?” Charlie couldn’t help it, anger rose up again though it wasn’t directed at Orion so much as at the general state of things at Eden Hall. He knew how these things went, who got punished for bad acts and who didn’t.

Orion didn’t look unsympathetic, but Charlie understood that Orion did not have control over anything like that.

“Look, I’m not going to tell you it’s fair, or that things always go how their supposed to, but what I am saying Charlie is that only you can control how you react to it,” Orion said, “but you can’t resort to beating the crap out of a guy just because he makes you angry.”

“I just wanted him to stop,” Charlie said.

“Stop what?”

Charlie didn’t answer. He didn’t want to tell Coach Orion about the rumor, not before he had talked to Adam at least. Which meant that he probably was never going to tell Orion about it.

“Just a bunch of crap,” Charlie finally said, “it doesn’t matter, it was just the last straw, that’s all.”

“Well, whatever it is you are lucky that you’re not going to be suspended,” Coach Orion said.

Charlie cringed, he had forgotten that something like suspension would be on the table for something like this.

“I’m not going to have to see Buckley am I?” Charlie asked, the last person he wanted to see was the headmaster.

“No, he and Turner are trusting my judgment. You’re not suspended, and you’re still the Captain of the team. But Charlie, we can’t have this happen again.”

“It won’t, Coach. I promise” Charlie could honestly say he meant it. He felt like crap, both physically and mentally and was in no rush for a repeat performance.

Orion’s gave a slight smile.

“Good, and how are you feeling?” Coach Orion, “I would think you’d do a bit better at defending yourself in a fight.”

“I’m fine Coach, it’s really just the eye. And I got him just as good,” Charlie said.

“Right. That said, you’re not off the hook. Hauser will be punished. I am sure that whatever he was saying, he won’t be doing it going forward.”

Charlie didn’t know if he believed him, but honestly Hauser would be a fool to continue spreading crap. Charlie could only imagine what Portman would do when he found out.

“You’re going to have detention for two weeks after school,and are benched during practice for the next week.”

“I can still practice Coach,” Charlie protested, “I’m not hurt that bad.”

“I know, but you’re going to model for the team about the importance of accepting the consequences of your actions,” Coach Orion said.

Charlie groaned, a whole week having to sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else practice would be nothing short of torture for him.

“Is that it?” Charlie asked.

“You’re also going to meet me at five am every morning to run suicide drills to make sure you don’t backslide while off the ice. Also, I’m sure you can expect a call from your mother.”

‘Oh great, another thing for me to look forward to,’ Charlie thought.

Orion dismissed him at that and Charlie did not hesitate to make his way towards the door. Coach Orion did stop him right when Charlie’s hand touched the doorknob.

“Oh, Charlie, one more thing.”

Charlie turned to look at Coach Orion. What else was there to possibly say?

“When I say you’re off the ice for a week, that means there are to be no secret jaunts to the rink after hours.”

Charlie sucked in a breath, well it seemed that Coach had known about his and Adam’s illegal ice time. Not that that was really a surprise, they had always sort of suspected as much.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Coach,” he said.

“I mean it, I catch you on the ice at anytime next week, you will be benched for the first two games and demoted, you understand?” Orion said.

“Understood,” Charlie said.

Charlie walked out of the office and braced himself for what he was sure was going to be the week from hell.

 

* * *

 

Adam had just returned to his room from the lounge when Kenny Wu ran up to him in the hallway in the obvious panic. He’d been trying to catch up up in a reading for English class, while waiting for Charlie to get done in the library. Charlie had mentioned earlier about possibly snagging the keys to the rink later.

“Hey, Adam, did you hear?” Kenny asked, gasping for breath.

“Hear what?” Adam was only really half listening, too busy rummaging through his pockets for his keys.

“Charlie got into a fight with Doug Hauser!”

Adam froze. Fear and panic began to rise in his chest. This was not something he had been prepared for. Charlie was not prone to fighting, he left that to Portman and Fulton. And the fact that it was Hauser…

What did Hauser do? What did Hauser say?

“What?” his voice came out squeakier than he would have liked, but if Kenny noticed he didn’t say anything.”

“Charlie got into a fight. Apparently he punched Hauser first! Who knew that Charlie would do something like?”

“Not me,” Adam said, trying his best to calm himself. This didn’t necessarily mean anything. Hauser was always saying things to rile people up, the Ducks in particular. It didn’t mean that Charlie had heard the rumors that had been floating around school all week.

But Adam didn’t think there could be any other explanation.

Adam must have visibly paled at the thought because Kenny asked him whether he was okay.

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine,” Adam said, “Where is he now?”

“Apparently in Coach’s office, the rest of the team is heading there now.”

“Right, let’s go,” Adam said, and took off down the hall, leaving Kenny behind struggling to catch up.

Questions and fear whirled through Adam’s head. Had Hauser told Charlie that Adam was gay? Given their encounter in the locker room, it was too big a coincidence to disregard right away. The rumors had died down a bit but it didn’t mean that they were completely gone, but Charlie had given no indication he had heard anything so Adam thought it might just be possible that Charlie would never have to know.

Most of the team was already gathered outside Orion’s office when Adam arrived. Goldberg, Averman and Dwayne were leaning against the door trying to eavesdrop on what was going inside and Connie and Julie were whispering in the corner.

“So, did anyone see Hauser?” Portman asked breaking the silence. He and Fulton were leaning against the back corner wall, Portman was pounding his fist into his hand as if warming up for a new fight.

“No, I heard Charlie got the brunt of it, but apparently Hauser was scrapped up real good,” Guy said, “but everyone is definitely saying that Charlie threw the first punch.”

“That’s our Captain,” Fulton said, “I always knew he had it in him.”

“He should have called us though,” Portman said, “Hauser has needed an ass-whooping for a while.”

The team agreed, and for a minute everyone made jibes about what they would have done if they had been there.

Julie was the first one to ask what Adam was dying to know. The one he couldn’t bring himself to ask.

“Do we know why Charlie punched him?”

“Hauser was probably saying shit, Charlie got pissed off and punched him,” Luis said.

“Yeah, but he’s always talking smack about us, what was it this time that pushed him over the edge?” Connie asked, “I mean it must have been really bad if Charlie actually resorted to physical violence.”

“He is a hockey player,” Russ said, “he isn’t going to run from a fight.”

“Yeah, but this is Charlie we’re talking about. We called the guy spazway for years. He never started things on his own,” Guy said, “besides this wasn’t a hockey game. Also hell, he used to be body checked all the time. I think that’s how Banks first met him on the ice, isn’t that right, Banksy?”

Adam had completely forgotten that. PeeWee hockey seemed like ages ago.

“Hey Adam, do you have an idea?” Connie asked.

Everyone turned to Adam, and he suddenly felt really small. This was the last thing he wanted right now, all eyes turned on him, asking about Charlie.

“About what?” Adam asked, trying to act nonchalant, like he was in the same boat with everyone else. There was no way in hell he was going to share what he thought had pushed Charlie over his head.

“Do you have an idea of what would set Charlie off? You’re his best friend, after all,” Goldberg said.

Adam wanted to interject, that Goldberg had known Charlie a lot longer then he did, but he stopped himself. Such protests would only make things worse.

“I don’t know, he’s protective of his mom,” Adam said. It was a weak excuse, he knew, but anything to get them to move on.

“Why would Hauser talk about Charlie’s Mom?” Goldberg asked, obviously not buying it, not that Adam would have either, “And besides, Charlie isn’t the kind of guy to go off due to a ‘Your Mama’ joke.”

“You know,” Connie came in, “I did hear he was walking with Linda when it happened. Maybe Hauser said something about Linda.”

“But didn’t they break up like a year ago?” Averman put in, “Why would Charlie be throwing punches for her.”

“Well they did end ok, and she did take him home the night of Madison Whelan’s party,” Julie said, “maybe they’re getting back together.”

Adam didn’t know what would be worse, Charlie punching Hauser to defend Linda or Charlie punching Hauser because he heard the rumors that Adam was gay. Probably the second, but Adam wasn’t too happy at the thought of the first either.

“Why were they walking together anyways? Do we know?” Fulton asked.

“They’re lab partners,” Adam said, “in Chemistry, they had a project, so they were in the library working on it.”

“Or working on second base, am I right?” Goldberg jibed and held up a hand for a high five. Thankfully no one else on the team indulged him.

“Why speculate?” Kenny said, “he’ll be out in a minute. We can just ask him.”

“I wonder if Coach will demote him,” Dwayne asked.

“Who would be Captain then? I ain’t following Jackson or Nichols,” Fulton said, “Besides it’s one fight. They won’t demote him for this. Portman and I get in fights all the time.”

“That isn’t exactly something to be proud of,” Julie said, and Fulton just shrugged.

“I’ll be Captain,” Goldberg raised his hand, and the entire team groaned.

“Hey, I’d be a great Captain,” Goldberg said and held his hand up and went to lean against the door only to stumble as it was that exact moment that the door opened and he fell right into Charlie.

“Goldberg what the hell?” Charlie yelled.

Goldberg apologized but no one paid him any mind. Charlie looked like hell. He was black and blue all over, and all he had was an ice pack that he held to his right eye. Adam had seen Charlie roughed up in games plenty of times, but never like this.

The team immediately bombarded Charlie questions, but he didn’t respond right away. Finally when the room seemed to calm, he gave the okay that they could ask questions.

“What happened Conway?” Averman asked first.

Charlie looked towards him and just shrugged.

“What do you think happened? I would think it’s pretty obvious.”

“Hauser said shit, you went all Rocky IV on him, and then you went down like Luis on a full sprint,” Averman said.

“Hey!” Everyone ignored Luis’ protest.

“Pretty much,” Charlie said, but he didn’t elaborate any further than that.

They left the office when Orion came out and barked at them to leave unless they wanted to get up at sunrise and do suicides with Charlie. Adam hung towards the back of the group and just listened as the rest of the Ducks asked Charlie question after question about the fight.

Charlie, however, was being unusually cryptic– he just nodded or shook his head for the most part. He didn’t offer any details. Yes, he was still Captain. No, Hauser did not cry like a baby. Yes, he would be benched during practice over the next week. So on and so forth, until they reached the dorms. They scattered when the dormitory supervisor, Mr. Barton, gave them the signal that they needed to split up, and Adam followed Charlie into their room.

“It isn’t locked?” Charlie asked looking back at Adam.

“I‘d just unlocked it when Kenny told me,” Adam said. Charlie didn’t say anything; he just immediately collapsed on his bed and began to nurse his black eye with the ice pack. Adam stood sheepishly by, mentally trying to figure out whether he could discreetly ask Charlie for the one answer that he was desperate to get.

“Are you okay?” Adam asked, “Are you benched next week as punishment or were you hurt that bad?”

“Punishment,” Charlie said, “Man, Coach really knows how to make a guy suffer. Having to watch you guys on ice all of next week is going to be torture.”

Adam gave Charlie a reassuring smile, he would have felt the same way.

“You’re going to have to steal the keys for the next week if you want some off hours practice time,” Charlie said, “Coach was pretty specific about that.”

“So he basically knows about you stealing the keys then.”

“Pretty much. I guess I’m not as great a thief as I thought I was,” Charlie said and Adam felt reassured by Charlie’s smile. He didn’t seem like he’d heard anything.

But Adam still needed to know.

“So what happened?” he asked. He tried to sound calm, and even vaguely disinterested but he wasn’t entirely sure how well that came off. Charlie didn’t look at him, which Adam didn’t know whether to take as a good or bad sign. It could go either way.

“I was walking Linda back to her dorm, and Hauser was there and he started spouting crap and I just couldn’t take it. So I punched him,” Charlie said, “and then things just escalated from there.”

Adam nodded.

“What exactly did he say?”

Charlie gave him an odd look.

“Oh just some crap, he made a comment about Linda that pissed me off,” Charlie said.

“So it was about Linda.”

Charlie didn’t meet him in the eye.

“I’m not getting back together with Linda,” Charlie said.

“What?”

“You were probably thinking, we’re back together because I punched Hauser.”

The thought had crossed Adam’s mind.

“Right,” Adam said, “he didn’t…um, say anything else?”

Charlie was looking at Adam and Adam couldn’t tell, but his expression had softened. Well, softened as much as it could with one black eye.

“Adam, are you okay?” Charlie asked.

Adam took a deep breath. He debated just telling Charlie about the rumor. But he couldn’t do it. He didn’t want to worry Charlie, his friend had enough to worry about at the moment.

“I’m fine.” He tried to give Charlie a smile to reassure him that there was nothing wrong, but Charlie didn’t look completely convinced.

“You sure?”

“Positive...So he didn’t say anything else to you?” Adam asked, he just had to be sure.

“Nope,” Charlie said, “Now look, as much as I would like to do a play by play of my little brawl with Doug Hauser, I really just want to go to sleep and try to get the rest of next week over with as soon as possible.”

“Right,” Adam said, “I’ll leave you be. I’ll grab something for dinner. You want me to bring you something?”

“Sure, just get me whatever you get.”

Adam got up and headed to the door. Charlie’s voice stopped him just before he was out the door.

“Adam, you can tell me if anything is bothering you,” Charlie said, his voice warm and oddly comforting, “I’m here for you.”

Adam turned to him and gave a weak smile.

“I know.”

Adam suddenly wanted to tell Charlie. Not about liking him but about the rumors and how they were true. But he couldn’t get it out. They just stared at each other for a moment before Adam finally turned and walked out the door.

Once in the hallway, Adam reflected on what had just happened. Charlie’s concern for him while recovering from a fight disarmed him. And that was when it hit him– Charlie knew. He didn’t know why Charlie wouldn’t admit it, but Charlie must have heard the rumors. Why else would he have asked Adam if he was okay when it was Charlie who was badly bruised from a fight?

Or maybe not... maybe Charlie was just naturally concerned. He must have sensed something of Adam’s uneasiness from the week. He wasn’t a complete expert at hiding his anxiety, especially from Charlie.

All Adam knew, was that if Charlie wasn’t going to bring it up, well then Adam certainly wasn’t going to either.

 

 

The next week went by and for the most part things were normal. Granted, it was awkward to see Charlie sitting on the sidelines during practice, but Coach Orion was at least allowing Charlie to help with plays and run drills.

Of course, Charlie was constantly griping about not being allowed on the ice. Adam couldn’t blame him, as he would probably being doing the same thing were he in Charlie’s shoes. He did step in to keep Goldberg and Averman from goading Charlie too much. Not that Charlie would punch them, but Adam didn’t want to deal with Charlie loudly complaining all evening.

At least, complaining more than he already was.

But, other than that, Adam had finally begun to relax. Despite the fact that Charlie had stated that the rumors were not the reason he punvhed Doug Hauser, the rumors had pretty much died after the fight. Whatever discipline Hauser received for his part, it was enough that he steered clear of all of them. Or maybe Portman had gotten to him. Either way, the Eden Hall student body had moved on to other more pressing topics.

That was why Adam was completely unprepared for a random student to walk up to him one day between classes and hand him a bright green flyer.

“You’re Adam Banks, rights?” the boy asked.

“Yes,” Adam said, “that’s me.”

Adam had never really paid much attention to anyone not on the hockey team, but for some reason he instinctively appraised the student in front of him. The student was definitely not an athlete. He was tall and lanky and dressed like he was auditioning for the school glee club, with curly black hair and slightly tanned skin. He was, Adam thought, quite attractive. Adam paused at that thought. He had never thought of another guy, aside from Charlie, like that before. It was new.

And not entirely unwelcome.

“I’m Blaine, Blaine Golding,” the student said and he pointed to the green flyer he had placed in Adam’s hand , “I’m going out on a limb here, but I think you might be interested.”

Adam finally looked at the paper in his hand he sucked in a breath when he read the contents.

_“The Rainbow Society United Gay-Straight Alliance_  
_Thursdays, Eden Community Center, 7:00 pm”_

How was he supposed to react? Should he deny it? Act offended? Or maybe he should just ignore him, say thank you and walk away.

“Ummm,” Adam stammered, “I…”

Blaine smiled.

“Look, it’s okay if you aren’t comfortable,” Blaine said, “Everyone’s welcome and your attendance is completely confidential, we’re made up of people from a few different schools in the area. If you need a ride, just let me know. I just thought you might be interested.”

Adam didn’t say anything–he just stared at the flyer. A million questions rushed through his mind. Was he that obvious? Was it true that people could really just tell that a person was gay by looking at them? Or maybe Brian was just taking a chance that the rumors were true and decided to reach out? Either way, what was Adam supposed to do. He’d never thought to try and seek out others.

That would make it too real. If he did that, then it truly would be the point of no return.

He should throw it away, he thought. But what if someone saw it? That could lead to more trouble. He should probably just find Blaine and give it back. Tell him thanks but no thanks.

He looked down the hall and tried to see if Blaine was still there, but he must have already ducked into one of the classrooms. Adam couldn’t very well draw attention to himself by going door to door.

“What’s that?”

Adam jumped and quickly stuffed the flyer into his backpack, and turned to see Charlie standing behind him.

“Oh just a flyer for a club or something,” Adam said.

“Why would they give it to you? It’s not like you have a lot of time for anything other than school and hockey,” Charlie said.

“Who knows?” Adam shrugged.

“Yeah, well whatever, can you get the keys to the rink for tonight?” Charlie asked.

“I thought you were banned from the rink this week,” Adam said.

“Yeah officially, but what Coach doesn’t know, can’t hurt him,” Charlie said.

“I don’t think so,” Adam said, “If we’re caught you’re benched. We’re a week away from the first game, we can’t lose you now.”

“I know,” Charlie whined, “but I’m going crazy. Look we’ll go for just an hour. Let me feel the ice and then we can go back.”

Adam smiled, but stood firm.

“The week’s almost over, it will be Monday before you know it,” Adam said.

Charlie gave Adam mocking puppy dog eyes, and Adam laughed.

“Fine,” Adam said, “but we’ll drive to your place, and go to the community center Saturday. You can hold off until then.”

Charlie let out a loud exaggerated, dramatic sigh.

“Yeah, I guess.”

They began to make their way down the hall, when Averman and Goldberg came up on them with their usual lack of grace. Or tact, because Goldberg immediately began to goad Charlie.

“Hey Charlie, you need to start working the sympathy points with the girls fast, before that shiner of yours completely disappears,” Averman quipped, wrapping his arm around Charlie’s shoulder. Adam sped up a bit, tempted to just bail right then and there. This was not a conversation that he particularly wanted to hear.

“For the last time Averman, I am not going to use my black eye to pick up girls,” Charlie said.

“Are you sure? Because your love life has been pretty dire since you broke up with Linda,” Goldberg said, “we just want to make sure our Captain is getting enough action.”

Adam tried not to be curious. He knew he didn’t need to hear any of this.. It wasn’t his business and he couldn’t stop Charlie from dating anybody if he really wanted to. It wasn’t Adam’s place, he was the best friend not the boyfriend.

Never the boyfriend.

“I haven’t dated,” Charlie said, “Because I have been too busy keeping the two of you in line. Which is a full time job by the way of which I expect to be compensated.”

“We’re not getting you on the ice, Conway.”

“Damn it.”

Adam thanked the lord that they had moved on to another topic. He joined in with Goldberg and Averman’s goading Charlie over his exile from the ice and promptly forgot the GSA flyer in his backpack.

They parted when the bell rang and Adam resolved to just get through the rest of the day. He was actually excited by the visit to the old rink that Saturday. It would be nice to get back on the ice with Charlie. He hadn’t confronted Charlie about his suspicion that Charlie had heard the rumors, but maybe once they got on the ice, it wouldn’t matter.

He was getting all excited about the prospect, that he almost missed when a hall monitor came in during sixth period, and the teacher called him to the front.

“What is it?” Adam asked.

“You’re wanted in the guidance office,” Mr. Grieco said, and nodded Adam towards the door.

Adam had no idea what this could be about. Aside from the buzz of Eden Hall’s constant rumor mill, everything had been going fine. His grades were fine, hockey was good. Adam hardly thought he was in need of ‘further’ guidance.

A thought hit him that maybe a teacher heard something and had reported it to check in. The fear was always there. Although he wasn’t ready for Charlie to know that he was gay, he would much rather have Charlie find out than the faculty at Eden Hall. Adam knew that if any teacher or staff member found out, it would go straight to his parents.

Which meant his father would find out.

His father, who had set Adam’s course when he was all of 4 years old and had first shown a natural talent for skating and later an even greater affinity for hockey. He had his one son, Adam’s older brother John, to carry on his father’s business prowess, and he had Adam for the big time athletic career that he could never have.

It had been lucky for his father that those goals were the same as Adam’s. Although Adam was aware that while on the surface it seemed like they were on the same page with regards to Adam’s future, the source of Adam’s ambition was very different from his father’s.

But still, it often meant that Adam chose not to press the issue; his father’s insistence on living vicariously through him was something he had learned to tolerate. It was easier to not challenge it. At least most of the time.

The first real rift had happened when Adam disobeyed his father and went to play with the Ducks. His father wanted to make a stand against Gordon Bombay’s claim to follow the districts. His father railed against Bombay and how he wasn’t doing it out of fair play or on behalf of the District 5 kids, it was just to get back at Coach Reilly and give the Ducks an advantage. Gordon Bombay had an axe to grind. His father would drag it out as much as he could, and Adam knew even at twelve years old that if it didn’t resolve quickly he wouldn’t get to play at all and for Adam that was never an option.

So for the first time in his life, Adam disobeyed his father and went to play for Ducks. Hockey was more important, and Adam knew deep down if anyone on the Hawks had truly been his friends, it wouldn’t matter what team he played for. Of course, most of them turned out to not truly be his friends as they quickly shunned him once Adam sided with his new team. He had just been their prime weapon on the ice. Only respected for being the best player, not for anything else.

But that had been the best decision of his life because outside of the initial awkwardness and distrust, there was no better a group of people in Adam’s mind.

And that was how he really got to know Charlie.

The second time was last year when his father floated the question of leaving Eden Hall to try out for a junior team or really commit to going pro. Adam had refused. While he could see the merits–it was a faster way to the NHL–he didn’t want to leave Eden Hall.

He’d gotten into a huge argument with his father over it, his father went on about how he was jeopardizing his future in the sport. And for what? A group of ragtags who would never follow Adam to the big leagues, they would do nothing but hold him back.

Adam hardly understood how being on a team overseen by a former NHL star would hold him back, but it was his mother who won the day for him. It was important to her that Adam graduate. He could always try out after graduation, and it was not like college hockey was a dead end path either. So his father acquiesced and so Adam would finish out his remaining high school career and then they would take it from there. That was the plan, provided that nothing unexpected happened.

Adam being gay would definitely be unexpected.

Adam walked into the guidance office, still trying to figure out why he was called there.

Mrs. Baxter, the junior year counselor, beckoned him in.

“Well how are you today Adam?” she asked as she beckoned him to take a seat in front of her.

“Fine,” he said, “Is something wrong?”

“Oh no, this is just a routine meeting. We like to just do a yearly review, as well as discuss our student’s future plans. Students with successful plans have the tendency to become successful alumni,” Mrs. Baxter said.

“Oh.”

“Well, I see in your assessment that you took last spring, you mentioned that you plan to go into professional hockey.”

“Yes ma’am,” he said.

“And your performance on the ice here at Eden Hall has certainly helped you there,” she said, “You were the MVP of the season last year. I believe the first time that honor has ever been given to a sophomore.”

“I guess,” Adam said, his father loved to crow about things like that, but Adam had never put much stock in them.

“And what if hockey doesn’t work out?”

Adam looked at her for a moment. He had never given much thought to what would happen if hockey didn’t “work out”.

“I don’t…”

“It’s quite a brutal sport, very full of injuries. What will you do if you aren’t able to play hockey?,” Mrs. Baxter asked.

“I’m very careful,” Adam said.

“Yes, even so, your average hockey player’s career is usually very short. What do you plan to do after you are no longer able to play?”

Adam had never really thought that far in the future.

“The reason I am asking, is that your grades are absolutely stellar. You keep this up and you will most likely be in the top 10% of your class next year,” Mrs. Baxter said, “have you ever considered going to Stanford? Or Berkeley? I dare say your chances at an Ivy League school are also excellent.”

No one had ever asked him to consider anything other than hockey. Even his teammates were as assured in his future in hockey as Adam was.

“Not really,” Adam said, “my grades are my grades because I just work hard.”

Which was true– Adam wasn’t really one to shortchange on anything, and he had been a somewhat natural student. It was just that school was school and Adam had never put thought into academics leading to anything other than assuring he got to the next level. And that he didn’t embarrass his father.

“You have options, Adam, and I know that you probably have certain expectations, but you’re young and I think it would be wise to fully consider all the avenues available to you,” she said.

Adam stopped her there.

“Thank you, Mrs. Baxter, I appreciate it. But all I’ve ever wanted to do was play hockey.”

“Then can I ask why you chose to stay in school?” Mrs. Baxter asked.

Adam couldn’t respond to that.

“I am not completely unaware of how things are. Eden Hall’s hockey program has been elite for years, but it is mostly a farm school for colleges,” she said, “Usually players of your caliber opt to go directly to the leagues, due to the length of your average NHL career.”

Adam was quiet. The easy answer was that his mother wanted him to graduate. But that wasn’t entirely true. That was what had allowed him to stay, but for Adam that had never been the sole or even main reason.

“Have you ever been a part of a team, Mrs. Baxter?” he asked.

“I did play softball in school,” she said.

Adam nodded.

“A team is your family, that’s how I see it,” Adam said, “you can look at me and think that I am just allowing my father to live vicariously through me, but if that was it, it would be like you said, I wouldn’t still be here. But I’m also not here to try to get into some Ivy league school or explore other options. I’m here because my team is here. And I’m not leaving them until I absolutely have to.”

Mrs. Baxter nodded.

“Friendship is important,” she replied, and Adam doesn’t try to correct her, even though he knew she misunderstood him.

He was a Duck. Had been since the minute he disobeyed his father.

And Ducks flew together, until the very end.

 


	4. Junior Year :: Fall :: Part IV :: Just Trying to Be Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you [@satelliteinsupernova](https://archiveofourown.org/users/satelliteinasupernova/pseuds/satelliteinasupernova) for the beta.

The week that Charlie was banished from the ice was not as awful as he had feared it would be. Of course, the trip to the old rink with Adam the Saturday before his sentence had helped and it felt really good to feel the ice beneath his skates. He didn’t even mind that Adam basically kicked his ass in one-on-one.

Things went back to normal at the beginning of the week of as well. During his Junior year assessment with Mrs. Baxter, Charlie discussed his goals in regards to hockey. She had asked whether he planned to play professionally.

Charlie couldn’t say that he’d never thought about going pro, but it always felt like some childish fantasy, not a real concrete goal that Charlie could or would work towards. He would joke with Adam sometimes about what it would be like if they were both in the NHL, either as rivals or teammates. They’d argue about who would have the better record or whether they would make the Olympic Team or who’d make the hall of fame first, but it was all just foolish talk to Charlie.

It wasn’t that Charlie underestimated his abilities or how good a player he was, he’d come a long away from that klutzy 10 year old who was constantly being pushed around. Adam would tell him that of course he was good enough to play professionally, but if Charlie was honest with himself, deep down, he didn’t really see playing in the NHL. He loved hockey. Charlie would argue he loved it just as much as Adam did. But Charlie loved it most when it wasn’t work. He’d gotten by during the Junior Goodwill Games and his time at Eden Hall because he loved playing with everyone else. Charlie had a lingering suspicion that once he went off to college, his enthusiasm for the sport would wane. Even thinking of the team no longer being together after graduation left a soft ache in Charlie’s chest. The sport wouldn’t be the same without Goldberg or Fulton or Averman or Connie…

Or Adam.

The thought of The End as he saw it hurt more than he cared to admit. This was part of growing up, he would tell himself. He shouldn’t cling this much to something that he always knew couldn’t go on forever. So Charlie stopped thinking about it, and just pledged to focus on this year, this season. Next year and the future were problems that an older Charlie Conway could deal with. He wanted to just just live in the now and enjoy what he had.

So he laughed off the idea of playing pro, but he didn’t think he satisfied Mrs. Baxter with his answers about his proposed future. Charlie guessed that he should be worried about the fact that he didn’t have any idea what he was going to do after high school, but honestly he was sixteen years old, why did he need to have everything figured out right now, anyway?

“The future will come, Charlie,” Mrs. Baxter said, “whether you like it or not.”

Charlie couldn’t answer that, and he soon put all talk of college and careers and life after Eden Hall out of his mind, instead choosing to focus on the fast approaching start of the hockey season.

The hockey team, unlike the football team, was a three time state champion and Eden Hall held its first pep rally of the year in the Ducks’ honor. Pep rallies were really awkward, Charlie thought, as he stood with the team in front of the bleachers filled with screaming students and a sea of pompoms and banners. Particularly at Eden Hall. He wondered if most of the students resented having to cheer for a bunch of misfits from Minneapolis. He wondered how many of those smiling, cheery faces would later go on and say snide things behind all their backs. It was probably not an insignificant number of them.

That wasn’t fair. Charlie and his teammates engaged in just as much back talk and griping about the rest of the school population as they did about them. The Ducks gave just as good as they got. But still, Charlie couldn’t help but be suspicious of their support. It wouldn’t take much for everyone to turn their backs on them.

When the rally was done and everyone was dismissed back to class, Charlie found the one non-Duck whom he actually kind of liked, Linda, and accompanied her to next period.

“I thought you usually skip out on these things,” Charlie said as he playfully nudged her, “Pep rallies are examples of the New American Fascism and Deification of BrainDead Losers who destroy their bodies for The Man.”

Linda rolled her eyes.

“I’m not that much of a stereotype,” Linda said.

“Yeah, you kind of are.”

“Ok, but at least I’m not pretentious about it,” she said and smiled back when he shrugged.

“If you say so,” he said and waved her off when she side-eyed him, “I kid, I kid. You know I love these little barbs we trade with each other.”

“So do I,” Linda said, “And to your earlier point. Yes, I think pep rallies are reminiscent of a certain from of fascism, but I don’t think that you and your teammates are a bunch of BrainDead Losers. That would be our football team. You guys at least know how to win and earn the adoration of this school’s esteemed alumnus.”

“I always knew I liked you,” Charlie said.

Linda laughed and he couldn’t help but join her.

“I like this,” Charlie said, suddenly.

“Like what?”

“Us as friends,” Charlie said.

“It is kind of nice,” Linda said, “although, I never didn’t like you Charlie.”

“Yeah, well then why did you dump me?” Charlie asked, “I wasn’t that much of a disaster, was I?”

He hadn’t meant to ask that. It didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, he wasn’t all that heartbroken, but being there with her, it was probably for the best that they talk about it. To preserve the friendship and all.

Linda looked at him.

“I didn’t dump you Charlie.” Linda said, “I just did what we were both thinking, I just beat you to the punch.”

She wasn’t wrong. If Linda hadn’t of broken it off, it was only a matter of time before Charlie did. Outside of the initial honeymoon phase and the thrill of them being each other’s first, there just hadn’t been the time. Towards the end, Charlie had begun to feel a bit guilty about how little time he was actually giving to the relationship, but he had put breaking up off because well, Linda had been his first and that wasn’t something to throw away lightly. So he’d held off and then Linda had beat him to it.

“Well that is why this friendship and lab partner thing works so well,” he said, “we can come out here, make fun of the football team and there’s no hard feelings. But still, I guess I wondered if maybe I just wasn’t cut out for the boyfriend thing.”

Linda didn’t say anything, but she did shoot him a somewhat pitying look, and Charlie felt a bit guilty. He had made things awkward.

“Well this is my stop,” Charlie said at the sight of his next class. He didn’t say it, but he was relieved that this conversation was ending. He didn’t like feeling guilty about things that were long done and over with.

“Thanks for walking me, sir,” Linda said and did a mock curtsy.

Charlie made a big show of bowing back..

“It was a pleasure, my fair lady.”

Linda laughed and then began making her way down the hall. She stopped just before the turn and looked back at him.

“Oh Charlie,” Linda turned back from heading into her own class and gave him a soft, reassuring smile.

“Yeah,” he said.

“You’re not a disaster,” Linda said, “Don’t sell yourself short. One day you are going to make someone an excellent boyfriend.”

 

  
None of the Ducks’ pre-season fiascos had any effect on their performance on the ice. The game was smooth, ending in an easy 5-1 win over their opponents. While famously known for their gag tricks and off the wall plays, Charlie actually had come to enjoy the tight, defensive style of play that had been cultivated under Orion. Charlie had manage a goal, Adam had snagged two (both of which, Charlie made the assist) and Fulton and Russ had pushed through the other two. The lone goal on defense had been an especially lucky shot on the opposing team’s part and Charlie made sure that they didn’t get complacent.

Keeping the Ducks from becoming too cocky and comfortable was pretty much Charlie’s main responsibility as Captain.

But they held together, and the tone in the locker room after the game was, as expected, incredibly high. Fulton and Portman were shouting loud pronouncements of how much the Ducks rocked it (not in quite so sensitive terms, but they were called the Bash Brothers for a reason), Connie and Guy were flirting in their own corner, Averman and Goldberg, always the pair, were ribbing on everyone else with Russ joining in every so often, and Adam and Charlie sat next to each other as they always did.

“We looked good,” Charlie said, pulling a clean shirt over his head, “I missed this.”

“Me too,” Adam said, and Charlie smiled at him.

“Did your parents come?” Charlie asked.

“Yes, I’m probably going go out with them when I get out of here.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Did your step-dad come?”

“Probably, though God knows he doesn’t need to,” Charlie said, “though hopefully it won’t take long and I can meet the rest of the guys. I think they’re going for pizza at the usual.”

Charlie knew that most likely Adam would not make it to the customary team meet up following a game. His parents wouldn’t allow it. Charlie had issues with his stepfather, but Charlie knew that he would absolutely die living under the sort of pressure Adam did.

They made their way out of the locker room and into the hall. Charlie immediately found his mother standing off to the side with Charlie’s stepfather, Jim. She opened her arms and Charlie gladly stepped into the hug. He gave Jim a polite nod.

“You guys were absolutely fantastic,” his mother said.

“They usually are,” Jim said from behind, and Charlie felt a slight twinge of regret that he had never gotten close to the guy.

Jim was not a terrible person and he was never cruel or overbearing to Charlie, and Jim treated his mom well. Charlie was old enough to admit that he had never been that good at sharing people, particularly his mother. His mother had taken him when he was young and left that good-for-nothing sperm donor (Charlie wouldn’t deign call him father) when he young, and it had been just the two of them for so long. He supposed it was a typical son-of-a-single-mother type of relationship; she worked to take care of him, and he endeavored to take care of her.

And that was how it had been until one Gordon Bombay came into their lives and everything changed. Charlie had never thought about his mother dating, but that was because prior to Bombay, she never had dated. And Charlie maybe thought sometimes his mom was lonely, but there were things that an eleven year old just would not understand. So when Bombay and his mother started to get along, Charlie had reasoned that if it had to happen, Gordon Bombay was ideal. They were both Charlie’s people after all, it would work perfectly.

But that ended when Bombay left for the minor leagues and while he couldn’t say he wasn’t a little disappointed, Charlie had figured it would go back to how it was before, just him and his mom. But apparently the relationship with Bombay had sparked something in his mother. She decided to put herself out there and soon after she met Jim.

His mom left her job at the diner, they got married and she and Charlie moved into a house that was further away from everyone else (but thankfully still in District 5, things would have had a much rockier start if Charlie had to change teams) and Charlie began to spend a bunch of time at the skate shop with Hans until Bombay returned and the rest was history.

Maybe Charlie would have gotten closer to his stepfather if he lived at home and attended public school, but there was nothing to be done about that now. Charlie was at Eden Hall and his relationship with Jim was what it was.

“Gordon said he wanted to make it, but he got held up. He told me to tell you he’ll be at your next home game in three weeks,” his mom said.

Charlie nodded, Bombay had called earlier in the week to say that he probably wouldn’t make it. It was disappointing, but Charlie knew Bombay meant well. There would be better games anyway.

“So, shall we go out to eat, before I pick up your laundry,” his mom said as they made their way to the exit.

“I do my laundry,” Charlie said.

“Right. So you don’t have any for me to bring home?” she asked.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Mmmhmm.”

Charlie followed them to the exit but made sure to check in with Guy to make sure to let them know that he would meet them later. He looked for Adam, but didn’t see him.

Some things, Charlie thought to himself, really hadn’t changed.

  
Dinner with his mom and Jim went by just as quickly as Charlie thought it would. His mother chatted about work and home and asked Charlie about school. Jim was just silent except to comment on the meal.Charlie just tried to rush through so he could get back. It wasn’t that he didn’t love his mother, but he would much rather be with his team celebrating their victory. His mother sensed his dissatisfaction,so she didn’t keep him that long. She dropped him off at the pizza place and told him she would drop by the upcoming Sunday to drop off the clean laundry.

The team had pretty much just finished eating when Charlie walked in and took a seat between Fulton and Averman.

“Oh Captain, My Captain!” Averman called out, letting the rest of the team know that Charlie was here, “Come to celebrate with the lowly orphans.”

“You’re not an orphan, Averman,” Charlie said.

“No, just a guy who parents can’t bother to come to their son’s very own hockey game,” Averman said.

Charlie gave Averman a reassuring pat on the back before turning to the rest of the table and managed to get one of the last remaining slices.

“How was the Mother Ship?” Goldberg asked.

“Fine,” Charlie said, “the usual.”

“Ah, was Coach Bombay at the game? I didn’t see him,” Guy asked.

Charlie shook his head.

“He couldn’t make it. He said he’d make the next home game though.”

“Man, he missed a good one,” Dwayne said, “we’re going to be unstoppable this season.”

They spent a few minutes rehashing the best parts of the game, yelling jibes about the opposing side and joking about who they thought gave the greatest one liner. Charlie participated a bit, adding in his own two cents when the conversation went that way, but he let his thoughts drift a bit, thoughts of the team, Coach Bombay, Eden Hall, the game, and the upcoming season. It was almost a perfect moment, but the mention of Adam brought him back.

“Man it’s too bad Banksy can’t be here,” Guy said, “just once it would be nice to have everyone here after a win at home.”

“Yeah, but with parent’s like that, you can’t expect the guy to get out of it,” Russ said.

“Do you think he’s ever once talked back to his dad?” Connie asked.

Charlie knew the answer of course, but it wasn’t his place to offer the answer. Adam was not the dutiful, always obedient son that everyone thought he was, but those conversations had happened in private. If Charlie’s problem with his stepfather was distance, Adam’s problem with his own father was lack thereof.

“What? Can you really see Banksy talking back to his dad?” Guy said, “I can’t see that. He’s a total boy scout.”

Charlie was about to say something at that but Guy quickly moved on.

“I hope the rumors didn’t get to his parents,” Guy said; the hair on the back of Charlie’s neck raised at the suggestion.

“What was that?” Charlie asked.

“The rumors that Adam’s gay,” Guy said, “they were swirling around the school for a while there.”

“You guys heard them?” Charlie asked.He had thought it had just been him who knew about it, no one else on the team had ever said anything.

“Dude, you know those preppies are terrible at holding back gossip,” Guy said, “Of course we heard them.”

“Probably started by Hauser,” Portman said, “the guy’s a huge asshole. You know, Captain, it’s good thing you punched him first, because otherwise I was fixing to destroy him.”

Charlie couldn’t say anything to that, but he felt knot in his stomach began to grow. This was too close. Why hadn’t anyone said anything?

“Oh,” Charlie said, “I thought I was the only one who heard them.”

“We weren’t going to say anything,” Russ said, unknowingly answering Charlie’s silent question, “what those yuppies say doesn’t matter.”

“I hope it didn’t hit Adam too hard,” Julie said.

They looked to Charlie, but Charlie couldn’t say anything. If the rumors had affected Adam, he hadn’t really shown it.

“He never said anything,” Charlie said, “Adam’s a Duck, he can hold his own.”

“It is really an asshole move to spread shit like that about a guy though,” Guy said.

Charlie was quiet for a moment.He remembered something from his conversation with Linda from weeks before. Maybe it was the fact that he had those dreams, but something in Guy’s comments didn’t entirely sit right with him.

“Was it more of an ‘asshole’ move than any other kind of rumor?” Charlie asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that being gay isn’t really an insult anymore,” Charlie said, “would it really matter if Adam was?”

“Are you telling us Banksy is gay, Conway?”

“NO!” Charlie said, his voice raised to a point where a few of the other patrons looked over at their table, “but like if any one of us was, it wouldn’t change anything. It’s not like it’s a bad thing.”

“No,” Guy said, “But still it is definitely hard enough to get through high school as it is. It’s definitely something that could make it harder, whether it’s true or not. So it’s an asshole move.”

Charlie couldn’t argue with that, but he felt better. He didn’t think Adam was gay, but then maybe his discomfort wasn’t entirely about Adam.

Maybe he was thinking mostly about himself.

 

* * *

 

“You did good,” Phillip Banks, Adam’s father, said over dinner at a fancy club that Adam felt way too underdressed for and out of place. He still vaguely smelled of sweat and ice, everyone here was in neatly kept collars and doused in luxury colognes and perfumes.

“Yeah, I guess,” Adam said, pushing the steamed asparagus around on his plate. He was actually famished but nothing on the plate seemed all that appetizing. Just once, he wished that his parents would take him somewhere he wanted to go after a game since they never let him spend it with his friends, but of course, Adam wouldn’t choose a place where his father could show him off. ‘Here’s my son, the world class hockey player, he’s going to be in the NHL someday.’ Adam could hear his father’s voice crowing in his head. It was a mantra that Adam had heard for as long as he could remember.

“Though, you should have had three goals outside the two,” his father, ever the critic, remarked.

Adam shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He had hoped they could avoid this part of the conversation. Aside from the two goals he’d made, Adam had two other shots, but neither had been particularly good, and Adam had not been surprised that they had not gone in.

“When?” he asked.

“That shot that that Fulton kid made, you could have made it,” his father said.

Adam tightened his grip on his fork. He had made the assist to Fulton for the shot, and while it was true that there was a chance Adam could’ve made it, it was nowhere near as clear as Fulton’s. It had been an easy decision and it had mimicked a play that Charlie had dreamed up while banished from the ice after the fight with Doug Hauser.

“Fulton had the better shot, Dad,” he said, hoping that his father would drop it.

He did not. Phillip Banks was not all that good at letting go.

“Adam, scouts and recruiters will be watching, you have to take every opportunity to show them what you’ve got. You can’t be trying to make everyone else look good,” his father said.

“I wasn’t trying to make anyone look good, I was trying to win the game. Besides, if I had shot and missed, I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t look that great,” Adam said.

“That wouldn’t have happened,” his father said. Adam wished he could at the very least feel some comfort in his father’s confidence in him.

“My point is Adam, it’s your junior year, you have two seasons left to make an impression. You have to look out for you. You can’t worry or prioritize those who have no future.”

“We’re a bunch of prep school students, I think we all have a future,” Adam mumbled just under his breath.

“What was that?”

Adam didn’t answer, he just felt the anger come bubbling up. This was so typical of his father. He could never see the whole picture or what was actually happening.

“It’s a team sport,” Adam said, “and me passing to Fulton wasn’t to make him look good. It was the right play.”

“Yeah, well, with an attitude like that, you’re never going to make it,” his father said, “I need to talk to that Coach of yours about securing you more playing time.”

“I played most of the game,” Adam said, “I need a break at some point and there’s 17 other players on the team.”

“What did I say. It doesn’t matter,” his father said, “you come first Adam. How do you expect to get ahead if you never stick up for yourself. I’m thinking of your future here.”

“Aren’t you thinking more of yours?” Adam asked, finally having enough of the conversation. He struggled to keep his voice low enough to not attract the attention of other patrons, but he rose it enough to let his father know he was serious.

“What do you mean by that, son?”

“I’m saying, what if I don’t want to play professional hockey.”

Adam might as well have told him that he was dropping out of high school to join the circus going by his father’s reaction. It wasn’t really true of course, Adam definitely wanted to play professionally some day, but he couldn’t stand his father’s condescension.

“Mrs. Baxter, the guidance counselor, said I had a shot at getting into Stanford or Berkeley,” Adam said, “I don’t have to play hockey.”

His mother brightened up at that comment, but she retreated back when his father began to speak. She always deferred to him, Adam thought. Just once he would love it if she would step up and actually allow herself to disagree with his father.

“Why exactly are you telling this to me now,” his father said, “Are you prepared to throw all the work you’ve done…all the hours of practice so you can do what exactly?”

“I don’t know,” Adam said, “But I have options, and what if something happens? What if I’m injured? What do I do then?”

“Talk like that is going to hamper your future,” his father said, “Now listen, you chose to stay in school, and I allowed that, but that was just to please your mother. I did not send you to that school to stay with that team, for you to turn around and quit hockey.”

Adam didn’t attempt to argue the point any further. It was useless. He gave a curt “Fine,” and they finished their meal in silence. Adam barely said a word the whole ride home, just gave his father a curt nod after kissing his mother on the cheek before leaving the car and returning to his dorm room.

The thing that infuriated Adam the most was that his whole little rebellion was for naught. His father knew that Adam wasn’t going to actually change the plan. His father would get exactly what he wanted. Why did his desires have to intersect with his father’s? He couldn’t even rebel properly because then Adam would go against what he himself wanted. Just once he would like to not completely fold into his father’s expectations. Sure staying with the Ducks’ had been somewhat of a defiance, but that hadn’t actually hindered or held back Adam or his father’s ambitions.

No, Adam could not rebel without going against his nature with regards to his future or hockey. But when he got back to the dorm room, and caught sight of the green GSA flyer sticking out of his backpack, he thought maybe there was still another way. Another way for him to strike out on his own and do something for him.

Something that his father would not expect or approve.

He pulled the flyer out and stared at it for the first time since he had received it the week prior. Thursdays. 7:00 p.m. Adam mentally ran through his schedule for the next week. They had an away game on Wednesday, and then they would run through review during the team period during the day and other than that he was free to go.

It was worth a shot. Adam thought, he just needed one thing. One thing; that was all it took.

And then maybe he could settle in and accept that he would never be anything other than a notch in his father’s belt.

 

It had been too easy, Adam thought as he drove to the community center the next Thursday. He’d told Charlie and the team that his parents wanted to meet with him the day after the game. Charlie had pouted a bit about not getting a few one-on-one drills on one of their few days off. Charlie was cute when he tried to get something he wanted, and even though being on the ice with Charlie was all that Adam ever really wanted to do, he held firm. This was something he had to do and not even Charlie could stop him.

Which, maybe this meeting, this club, could help with the Charlie problem too.

He arrived 15 minutes early and parked quite a bit a ways away from the center just in case. While, Adam didn’t think anyone would see him, he didn’t want to take a chance. The last thing he needed was for the rumors to amp up again when there was actually something to gossip about. He took his time making his way to the entrance and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw others going into the building. He didn’t recognize anyone.

Adam took one deep breath and gathered up all his courage before he walked into the hall where the meeting would take place. There didn’t seem to be anyone other than Blaine, who stood by a table with assorted foods and drinks. Adam let out a sigh of relief. He would not be recognized here. There was nothing to worry about. It didn’t take long for Blaine to spot Adam and wave him over.

‘It’ll be fine,’ Adam thought. He would just observe, no one knew who he was, and then he could go back and it would be like nothing had happened.

That relief was dashed when Adam happened to notice the next person who walked through the door.

It was Linda.

As in Charlie’s ex-girlfriend Linda.

Adam panicked. It was fine if some Eden Hall students who he didn’t know had seen him there. It was another thing with someone who did know him and more importantly was connected to people that Adam knew. And also that Linda was connected to Charlie, and she still talked to Charlie. And Charlie could not know about this.

He toyed with the idea of just getting up and leaving, but Linda was between him and the door and soon it didn’t even matter because when Linda saw him and he saw the look of recognition spread on her face, he knew he was past the point of no return.

Adam swallowed breath. He hadn’t been prepared for this. He didn’t know what to do.

Adam tried to settle down and he managed to slow his heart rate down enough that he managed to grab a seat the furthest away from Linda, who sat next to Blaine, as possible. It was not however, anywhere near the door that he would be able to make a discrete exit.

“Hello Everyone! It’s great to see so many new faces here tonight, I’m glad that we were able to get the word out about this little group,” Blaine said.

Adam couldn’t tell whether what Blaine said was true about there being a lot of new people or if he was singling him out, and quite frankly Adam didn’t know if he wanted to know.

“For those of you who are new, this is the only Gay Straight Alliance in the area. We have people from all the different schools, and just so you know, your attendance at this meeting is completely confidential. It is paramount that you do not tell anyone that any of the other people are here. Breaking of this rule is cause for lifelong ban from the group.”

Everyone seemed to nod in agreement. Adam thought to himself, that he couldn’t imagine anyone in this room didn’t know how important that rule was. Or at least that is what he hoped. For his own sake.

“That said, it is important that people know this is a resource, so if you are willing to be ‘out’ as it is, please raise your hand.”

Blaine surveyed the room and counted the few hands that went out. Adam, abstained, but he did note however that Linda did raise her hand.

“Great, so when it comes to anyone who did not raise their hand, they were never here. Now let’s all introduce ourselves and then we’ll ll discuss a few of the events and projects we have planned and then an hour of socializing. The center has graciously provided punch and cookies, take as many as you like but please let’s keep everything clean.”

The room once again nodded in assent. It was surprisingly calm, or maybe it just felt that way to Adam because he was so used to being a room of a bunch of loud obnoxious hockey players.

“So let’s go around and everyone give your name, what school and grade you’re in, and if you are comfortable you can say how you identify. Of course give as much information as you feel comfortable with,” Blaine said, “I will start, hello I am Blaine Golding, I’m a junior at Eden Hall, and I am as gay as the day is long.”

“It’s fall Blaine, the days are getting a bit short,” Linda quipped and a few laughed at her comment.

“Alright, alright, point is I’m gay. Next.”

Linda looked at the group and raised her hand.

“Hello I am Linda Hewitt, I am also a junior at Eden Hall.”

Adam noted that Linda didn’t state how she identified, but he didn’t think too much on it. He was mentally preparing for when it would inevitably come to him. Truth be told, he had never given his actually identity that much thought. His life had been so insulated that Adam didn’t know that he trusted himself to know what he was. He might not have had the experience to know for sure.

Adam didn’t know. So it was probably better if he just said his name and probably his school and that would be it. Blaine had said there was no pressure. Adam almost missed his turn and so when it came time for Adam to introduce himself he actually didn’t have that much time to really think, and he went just on instinct, or maybe his subconscious just had had enough.

However all the preparation didn’t matter, because Adam was so nervous he just went on instinct. He said, with his voice shaking slightly.

“I’m Adam Banks, I’m a junior at Eden Hall. And I guess I’m gay.”

Adam didn’t hear anything after that, he just sat in his chair, in shock at what he just shared to a room of mostly strangers. He had never said that out loud, even to himself. But he knew in that moment that it wasn’t a lie. Maybe all that reasoning he had just been doing was just the last bit of denial he harbored within himself. The last hope that maybe this whole thing, his lack of interest in girls, his strong feelings for Charlie was just a phase. That it would fade away in time and that Adam could be normal.

Saying it out loud, actually professing it, even to people who Adam didn’t know he would ever see again, made it final. More real.

The rest of the meeting was a blur, Blaine discussed a fundraising drive, a crisis hotline, Adam couldn’t really remember any of the details. When they dismissed for the open discussion, Adam stood up and began to look for an opening to leave. He got a glass of punch and tried to hide in a corner. The others must have sensed his apprehension, and most of them didn’t try to approach him.

No one that is, except Linda, who must have waited for an opportunity, as fifteen minutes after the discussion ended, Linda approached him.

“Hey,” she said, “I’m surprised you came.”

Adam looked away.

“I didn’t know that Blaine had invited you,” she said, “so I guess the rumors are true.”

Adam didn’t say anything. He wasn’t quite trusting himself in this situation.

“I guess,” he said.

Linda was about to say something when Blaine came up and smiled at Adam.

“Hey Adam, it’s great you finally made it,” he said and held out his hand for a handshake which Adam obliged, though not without caution. It was still pretty awkward.

“Yeah, I guess I had nothing better to do,” he said.

“Ah, well it’s great to have you, as you can see the Eden Hall contingent is not that great,” he said and then looked from Adam to Linda.

“Do you guys know each other?”

Adam shifted his feet, and Linda took the initiative.

“Sort of, I used to date one of Adam’s teammates on the hockey team,” Linda said.

Blaine shot Linda a questioning look, and she smirked in response.

“Charlie Conway,” Linda said, and Adam jerked a bit. It was a bit unnerving to hear Charlie’s name in this context.

“Oh right, I forgot you had a jock phase,” Blaine said.

“It wasn’t a phase,” Linda said, “just your typical freshman, prep school relationship.”

Adam found it hard to imagine that a relationship with Charlie could ever be classified as typical.

“Right, so Adam, look man, I just wanted to say again thanks for coming, and if you ever need anything feel free to come see me,” Blaine said.

With that Blaine patted him on the back and left him Linda standing there. Adam stared into cup and hoped that Linda would leave him soon.

“Would you like to walk me to my car?” Linda asked suddenly.

Adam couldn’t do anything but nod. It wasn’t ideal, but at least he was leaving even if it was with his roommate’s ex-girlfriend. Neither of them said anything until they were outside the Center heading towards the parking lot.

“I got the feeling you wanted to get out of there,” Linda said finally.

“Yeah, I guess,” he said. God he was such a coward.

“The first time is hard for everybody,” Linda said, “I hope that this doesn’t put you off coming back. Blaine comes off strong but he means well.”

“Yeah,” Adam said, but did not elaborate.

“If I can be frank, can I say something?” Linda asked.

Adam nodded.

“I get the feeling that earlier, that was the first time you ever said you were gay,” Linda said.

“How did you know?” Adam asked, “Am I that obvious?”

Linda shook her head. “No, but for people like us in there, it’s easier to tell, because we go through it too.”

Adam nodded.

“You won’t tell anyone that I’m here, right?” he asked.

“If I recall, you did not raise your hand, so I am legally bound to not tell anyone you came,” she said.

“You sure?” he asked.

“I’m sure.”

“Can I ask why you came?” Adam asked, turning the topic around on her, “if I recall you didn’t say whether you were…”

“I did not,” she said, “I am questioning. I thought it better to not hold myself to anything at the moment.”

“But you aren’t?”

“What straight?” Linda asked and she was quiet for a moment, “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Oh.”

She gave a small laugh. It broke the tension, and he managed to smile at her in return.

“You want to know if this is the reason me and Charlie broke up,” she said.

Adam looked down the road. The thought had crossed his mind a couple times that evening, that the reason Linda and Charlie didn’t work out was because Linda had just not been that into him.

“Well is it?” he asked, “I mean he was really into you.”

Linda shook her head.

“No, it had nothing to do with that,” Linda said.

“Can I ask you why the two of you broke up?” Adam asked.

“What did Charlie tell you?” she asked.

“He didn’t say much actually,” Adam said. “Just that you had broken up. I didn’t ask a lot of questions.”

Linda shook her head and cast a glance behind, as if checking to see if anyone was around. She turned back to him and gave him a reassuring smile.

“It figures. Well, first things first, I was the one who broke up with Charlie,” she said, “but it wasn’t because I was gay or anything.”

“If not that then what? You guys seemed to get along,” Adam said, “I don’t think I ever saw you guys fight.”

“Oh we fought. Ok, not really... Will you hate me if I’m honest?”

“No, not really,” Adam said.

“Well, the truth of it is that Charlie has two main priorities in his life to the exclusion of all other things. One of them, is his mother, which is understandable. The other is the Team.”

Adam didn’t quite understand her meaning. He understood Charlie’s mother, hell, he imagined that Charlie would admit to that, but the team? What could Linda possibly mean about that. Adam felt a bit defensive on Charlie’s behalf. The guy was his best friend, he should stick up for him.

“Charlie isn’t just about hockey,” Adam said.

“No, not hockey. The Team, hockey is just the thing that the Team does. It’s that group of people, you included. Charlie will drop anything and anyone if he feels it’s good for all you guys. I just couldn’t compete with that.”

Adam couldn’t disagree with that, and the more he thought about it, he realized that of course it was true. Charlie staying on junior varsity sophomore year, making sure everyone was included and that no one was left behind, never hesitating to be there for any of them when they needed anything. Charlie would do that at the expense of what wanted. It was admirable, but when did Charlie focus on anything for himself? What did Charlie really want for himself?

“Did you really try? I’m sure Charlie didn’t mean anything by it,” Adam said. “He just feels responsible. He was closest with our old Coach. We do have a habit of breaking apart when hit with some adversity. You saw us freshman year.”

“Oh, we tried, and of course Charlie didn’t mean anything by it. Our relationship was just never going to be a major priority for Charlie. I could maybe have tried harder, but truth be told, my feelings were never strong enough to really push it. Maybe someday, someone will feel strong enough to try. Someone that will force Charlie to rethink things,” Linda said.

“Things could change,” Adam said, “I mean we only have a year and half of high school left, the whole team isn’t sticking it through college,” Adam said. He should just shut up, why was he doing this, trying to push Linda back towards Charlie. He didn’t particularly want Charlie to get back with Linda. He didn’t want Charlie to be with anyone. It was selfish he knew, and he wouldn’t stand in Charlie’s way if he really liked someone. At least that is what he told himself.

Linda shook her head.

“No, I don’t think I’ll ever be that person for Charlie,” Linda said.

“I mean, he cares for you,” Adam said, “he punched Doug Hauser over something he said to you.”

Linda stopped and shot Adam a strange look.

“Charlie didn’t get in a fight with Doug Hauser because of me,” she said.

“That’s what he said.”

Linda bit her bottom lip.

“I mean Hauser did shoot a comment my way, but that wasn’t what set Charlie off. It was…”

She paused, and Adam instinctively knew what she was going to say. Hadn’t he known this? Hadn’t he and Charlie been dancing around the issue for weeks?

“He punched Hauser because he threatened you over the rumors. I think if Hauser hadn’t pushed it, Charlie would’ve just ignored it.”

Adam couldn’t say anything to that. The thought that Charlie basically sacrificed a week of time on the ice and Coach Orion’s wrath to stick up for his honor was both deeply confusing and just slightly unsettling.

“I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have told you. It might not have been something that Charlie wanted you to know,” she said, “I figured he would have talked with you about it.”

“Well, Charlie doesn’t like to worry people,” Adam said, it was all he could say, really.

After what seemed like forever they finally made it to her car.

“You really won’t tell Charlie that I’m here?” Adam asked again, just to be sure.

“I promise,” Linda said. “Thank you for escorting me to my car.”

“It’s no problem.”

He said good bye and began to head to his own car.

“Hey, Adam.”

He stopped and looked back at Linda.

“If you really wanted to. I think you could tell Charlie. He’ll be fine.”

Adam just gave a smile and without word turned to his own car. It wasn’t that he was worried that Charlie wouldn’t accept him or treat him badly. But to come out to Charlie would be to confirm that Charlie didn’t think any more of him either.


	5. Junior Year :: Fall :: Part V :: The Truth About You, The Truth About Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you [@satelliteinsupernova](https://archiveofourown.org/users/satelliteinasupernova/pseuds/satelliteinasupernova) for the beta.

Charlie hated that he waited up for Adam. The guy was out with his parents, but Charlie was worried. He knew how on edge Adam’s relationship with his parents, particularly his father, could be. Normally Charlie, would plan time at the rink or sneak cheap takeout into the student lounge and they would play some cheesy video game. Something fun, mindless. Charlie knew Adam had a tendency to overthink things, so anything that would not let him sink into himself was good. Charlie was good at that, making things fun and light and easy. It was what friends did.

But tonight, Adam was later than usual, and Charlie just laid in his bunk, and waited. He wondered for a brief moment whether Adam would stay the night at his house. But that didn’t seem right, Adam would’ve told him if he wasn’t coming back.

Charlie felt relieved when he heard the lock turn on the door. He turned facing his back to the door and pretended to be fast asleep. He was hoping that Adam would make a loud noise and give Charlie an excuse to turn around and ask him whether he was okay, but Adam was too considerate a roommate. He didn’t make a single sound, instead Charlie heard him quietly ruffle through his closet and then quietly slip out of the room to what Charlie could only assume was to go the bathroom down the hall.

Charlie debated just sitting up and confronting Adam when he got back, but stopped himself. This wasn’t a big deal. Adam would tell him in the morning.

But Adam didn’t say anything during the morning workout the next day, and for some reason Charlie couldn’t bring himself to ask. It was the same routine as it was every day, and at lunch, Adam appeared to be acting completely normal, joking around with Luis and Russ about something inconsequential. He hardly seemed to be the self he usually was after an evening his parents, somber and withdrawn. Either Adam had some watershed moment with his parents the night before or… Charlie didn’t really have another explanation. Not a good one at least.

Or one that he liked, because the only thing that Charlie could think of was that Adam went on a date, instead. But that made no sense because, Adam would have told him that he’d gone on a date. Right? Why would Adam hide something like that?

Charlie wasn’t able to ask about it until they got into their dorm room after practice in the afternoon. Of course, when that happened, Charlie had to find the awkward way to bring it up. It had never been like this. When did their conversations become less natural? Since when did Adam start keeping things from him? Since when did Charlie care so much that he did?

“So, umm how did it go with your parents’ last night?” Charlie asked, hands in pocket, trying to act like he was completely indifferent to whatever the answer was. Completely casual.

“What?”

Adam gave him a blank look, as if he had totally forgotten the night before.

“Your parents, you met them last night, right?” Charlie asked, because now he wasn’t so sure. He was the one who forgot his schedule from one day to the next, not Adam, who kept everything straight.

“Oh, right,” Adam said, but but didn’t go any further.

“They weren’t too hard on you were they? Although, hell why would they be, we’ve just had two games and you already beat most guys in goals for the whole season.”

Adam didn’t reply. He just sat at his desk pouring over, from what Charlie could tell, was a history textbook. Leave it to Adam to work on homework on a Friday night. Charlie decided to change the subject. Maybe he had asked too soon. Obviously something sensitive was going on, and Adam wasn’t going to budge any time soon.

“I figured we’d take the car and go get pizza and bring it back here. I think they have the new Madden game in the lounge. We could play, I could whip your ass, you know like we always do,” Charlie said.

“Maybe tomorrow,” Adam said, “I have a paper due on Monday.”

“Isn’t that what Sunday is for?”

Adam turned and smiled sheepishly at him.

“I’d rather enjoy my weekend,” Adam said, “you should try it.”

“No, thanks, waiting until the last minute is more my style.”

For a moment it was like how things always were, it was easy, but then neither of them could build off of it and they lapsed back into silence. Charlie plopped onto his bed and grabbed a mini football from the floor and began to toss it in the air, but that wasn’t enough to stave off the frustration. Something was bugging Adam, and Charlie wasn’t about to let it go.

“Hey Adam,” Charlie said.

“Yeah,” Adam didn’t even look up, which irritated Charlie even more.

“If something was wrong, you would tell me, right?”

He felt like it was the millionth time he had asked since school had started. One day, he thought Adam would give him the full answer.

Adam put the pencil down and he closed his eyes and sighed in defeat. Alright, Charlie thought, now he was getting somewhere.

“Can I ask you something?” Adam asked.

“Sure, ask me anything,” Charlie said.

“Why did you punch Doug Hauser?”

Charlie was quiet. Hadn’t he already answered that? Okay, maybe he hadn’t said the whole truth, but Adam couldn’t have known that. Why would Adam ask again? That whole debacle was as good as ancient history, why was Adam still thinking about it?

“I told you, he said shit, and I just lost it,” Charlie said.

“No,” Adam said, and his words were more insistent then usual, as if he knew something that Charlie didn’t, “what exactly did Hauser say that set you off?”

And then Charlie knew that Adam must have known exactly what set Charlie off and he just wanted Charlie to say it out loud for some reason. Although exactly how Adam would knew was beyond him. The only other people who had been there had been Hauser and Linda, and Charlie was pretty sure that Hauser had kept his mouth shut since the fight. And as for Linda, well Adam and Linda didn’t talk.

“I don’t know why it matters, but Hauser was saying some shit about you. He made a threat and I just got pissed,” Charlie said, “I should have just let it go.”

“So you heard the rumors.”

“Of course,” Charlie said, “Hauser has never been that subtle. But look, he’s jealous, because you’re everything he’s not. What does it matter? If I hadn’t have punched him it would have been Portman or Fulton. Hell, probably better that it was me, we can’t afford to have Portman or Fulton suspended.”

“Right,” Adam said and he looked away.

Charlie could tell that Adam wasn’t completely satisfied. Charlie’s altercation with Hauser wasn’t the point. There was something else going on, and it was like Charlie just needed to say the right thing for Adam to just say what was going on.

“You could’ve told me,” Adam said.

“I didn’t want to embarrass you,” Charlie said, “I mean Hauser is such an asshole. You don’t just spread shit like that.”

Adam looked to the door and then back at Charlie, as if trying to decide whether he still had an out to this conversation. Charlie didn’t know what he would do if Adam bolted, but it didn’t matter because Adam must have decided against running because he turned back to Charlie, and he took a long deep breath. Charlie tensed in anticipation.

This was it.

“What if it wasn’t shit?” Adam asked.

“What if what wasn’t shit?” Charlie asked, he was losing track of where this was going.

Adam sighed, either out of exasperation or nervousness, Charlie couldn’t tell.

“The rumors, what if they weren’t shit, what if…” Adam paused for a moment, and Charlie could almost hear the words before Adam said them.

“What if they were true?”

Of all the ways this conversation could have gone this was not the one Charlie would have foreseen. Sure, Linda had mentioned it, but she didn’t know Adam the way Charlie did. Charlie had never thought seriously about the idea that Adam could in any sense be….

“What are you saying?” he asked. Charlie needed, and he sensed Adam did too, to hear him say it.

The pause that came before what Adam said next both lasted forever and ended in no time at all.

“I’m gay.”

Charlie wasn’t sure that he actually heard it, or it just took awhile for the statement to register in his head. But when it did, it wasn’t like he was shocked or unsettled or anything really. Ok, maybe, he did feel a little relief that whatever it had been, it wasn’t something that Charlie had done. He didn’t have any questions even.

Ok, he did have one question.

“How?”

Charlie sensed that Adam tensed at the question.

“What how am I gay? I don’t know, it’s not a choice…”

“NO!” Charlie said quickly, cutting Adam off, he was acutely aware that he needed to play this right, “How did Doug Hauser know you were gay?”

Adam relaxed back into his chair.

“I don’t think he does,” Adam said, “I think he just threw out what he thought would hurt the most.”

“What an asshole. It figures that that bastard can guess one thing right in the worst way. Too bad his luck doesn’t show up on the football field,” Charlie said, and he felt the tension leave the room.

“Yeah,” Adam said, “listen Charlie, you didn’t have to you know…”

“Smash up Doug Hauser’s face?”

“Right, I mean, I can take care of myself,” Adam said, “I was handling it.”

Charlie gritted his teeth.

“I didn’t punch him for your sake, it wasn’t because I was like trying to defend you,” Charlie said. “More, I just don’t like when blowhards like that spout shit that they don’t understand. That’s all. I’d gladly punch him again if I could.”

The room went silent, with neither boy willing to break it. There were so many things running through Charlie’s head that he didn’t know what where to start.

Charlie didn’t know if he should ask the next question or if he even wanted the answer, but hell, it was probably better to charge ahead anyways.

“Why come out to me now?” Charlie asked, “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you did. It’s just you could’ve told me before…”

Charlie didn’t want to spend the time thinking that the reason was that Adam had someone and that was why he was coming out now. He didn’t want to analyze why he hoped that that was not the reason, but that would explain why Adam wasn’t telling him the truth about the previous night.

“I don’t know, I can’t lie. I didn’t meet my parents last night,” Adam said, and Charlie held his breath. He had gone on a date. There was someone.

“Oh,” Charlie said, “it’s okay, you can tell me.”

‘Be supportive, Charlie,’ he thought, ‘he’s your best friend.’

“There was a club thing last night, I guess they call it a gay-straight alliance. Someone handed me a flyer a few weeks ago. I guess they gave it to me on the off chance that the rumors were true. Or maybe I’m just that obvious.”

Charlie would’ve reassured him that he didn’t realize it until now, but then again Charlie accepted that he maybe wasn’t always as perceptive as he should be.

“So I went and I guess I just sort of accepted it,” Adam said.

“Right.”

“Oh and Linda was there.”

Charlie looked at Adam for a minute. Now there was information that Charlie didn’t quite understand.

“Linda? As in…”

“Your ex-girlfriend, Linda? Yeah she was there, we talked,” Adam said.

Charlie bowed his head. Although, come to think of it, that sort of thing did seem like it would be up Linda’s alley.

“Who knew?”

“She didn’t really identify herself as gay,” Adam said.

“I was going to say, I didn’t get the vibe,” Charlie said, though honestly, he was probably talking out of his ass at this point. It wasn’t like he knew how any of this worked.

“How would you know?” Adam asked.

“She seemed pretty into it when we were together,” Charlie said, but honestly he did not want to think about that. It wasn’t important.

“Well, whatever,” Adam said,, “we talked and she told me I should tell you. So I guess I took her advice.”

“Yeah, she is way too good at that,” Charlie said and then after a little bit he added, “you could. You’re my best friend. This doesn’t change that.”

Adam smiled and got from the desk and moved to the bed across from them. Charlie was suddenly acutely aware of how close their knees were. He sucked in a breath.

“Thank you,” Adam said, “I probably should have told you sooner. But I just—”

“Don’t worry about it,” Charlie sai., “You told me now. We’re good.”

It was an awkward silence, with the two of them just sitting across from each other and staring. Charlie supposed, it would be up to him to break the ice.

“So how about you give up on the homework and let’s get that pizza. And you can pay me back for that round of NBA live last week,” Charlie said. He thought it best to make it like this didn’t change anything. They were the same as always.

They were Charlie Conway and Adam Banks, best friends, roommates and the dynamic duo of the Eden Hall Ducks.

“Sure, but that means I’m not helping you with your homework Sunday Night, when you’re scrambling to finish.”

They stood up and headed out the door and Charlie clapped Adam on the back.

“I’ll think I get by.”

And he would. Charlie Conway always did.

 

Charlie really endeavored to be okay, and not let things change. The day after Adam came out, Charlie tried to settle himself and went through the usual morning routine like he had every day before, and he even agreed to go catch a movie with Guy, Goldberg and Averman later. He tried to sort out his thoughts as he left the training facility and headed back to the dorms.

And really, when Charlie thought about it, nothing had changed. But there was a feeling in the back of Charlie’s mind that had just begun to nag at him. Things should be fine, he reasoned to himself. The thing that he suspected Adam was hiding, Adam was no longer hiding. It was out in the open, no more secrets.

It was those damn dreams. True, Charlie hadn’t had one in weeks, but still Charlie couldn’t help but think of them. Adam coming out had brought them back to the forefront, that and the fact that he had provoked Doug Hauser in that fight over Adam, made the knowledge that Adam was gay oddly unsettling.

It was one thing to have one off wet dreams and becoming over-defensive over your best friend when there is no chance in hell that they could ever become something real, it was quite another when something causes one to realize that they weren’t completely impossible after all. The idea that Adam could however remote return anything that Charlie’s mind could come up with was a harrowing thought.

And not to mention, Charlie wasn’t even sure where he fit in on this. He had never thought of himself as anything other than a typical sixteen year old, heterosexual guy. He hadn’t hated sex with Linda. But did having dreams about doing certain things with his male best friend, who now happened to be gay, mean he wasn’t completely straight? Did they have a word for that?

Even so, that still didn’t make any sense of what he was feeling, Charlie thought. Just because Adam was gay did not mean he looked at Charlie like that. Sure, Charlie was the closest to Adam of everyone on the team, but as far as he knew Adam thought of him like a brother.

Charlie, for one, had never thought of Adam as a brother. Guys like Guy and Jessie and Goldberg whom he met when he first left the house as a child, were his brothers.

Adam was always…he was always separate.

Why?

Some of the other Ducks might have surmised that it was because Adam’s background was so different, but Charlie knew that wasn’t it. Quite a few of the Team U.S.A. kids who joined during the Junior Goodwill Games had similar backgrounds to Adam’s and they had gelled just fine. Maybe it had started with their focus on hockey, even if their motives and paths were different. Maybe it was their mutual connection to their former Coach. Charlie didn’t have the answers. He probably would never have the answer.

He didn’t know if he even wanted to know the answer.

He was cutting across the lawn in the quad, when he spotted Linda sitting on a bench under the one main tree planted in the center of the quad. It was then that he remembered Adam had mentioned he had spoken with her at that gay alliance thing he had gone to.

He stopped and switched directions in order to make his way towards her.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, “I thought you usually went home for the weekend.”

Linda looked up from her book.

“My sister and her wretch of a husband are in town, I decided avoidance was the proper avenue to preserve my sanity,” she said, “I made the excuse that I needed to grab some extra library time before midterms.”

“Oh, right.”

“Did you need something or were you just going to stand there and wait for winter to come and turn you into a life sized snowman?”

Charlie looked around to make sure the quad was clear.

“Um, yeah I wanted to ask you something,” he said, ignoring her quip. It was better if he just came out with it. Charlie knew from personal experience it was better not to bottle some things up.

Linda closed the book she had been reading, slipped it into her backpack, and scooted over to give Charlie room to sit by her.

He did and looked to her.

“So ummm…Adam kind of came out to me last night.”

If Linda was shocked by it or not she gave no indication.

“And he said he met you at a thing.”

Linda looked at him for a moment.

“He did?” she asked.

“Yes, some gay club. Hell, I didn’t even know they had those,” Charlie said.

“And you want to know whether I’m a lesbian,” Linda said. Charlie was a little unsettled by how easily she said that.

“No,” Charlie said, “I mean maybe a little, but what I really wanted to know what you spoke with Adam about. I don’t think you guys have ever talked.”

Charlie was curious about it; Adam had been the most distant from Linda when Charlie and Linda dated and so the idea of them talking was a bit strange to him, even now knowing what Charlie knew.

Linda shrugged.

“We talked about why we went to the meeting. He asked me if I was gay and whether that was why you and I broke up.”

“Was it?” Charlie asked.

“No, I don’t know what I am at the moment, but that isn’t why I broke up with you Charlie, you know that,” she said, “We’ve talked about this.”

“Yeah,” Charlie said, “guess it’s just a little weird that you seemed to talk about it with my best friend.”

“It just happened Charlie,” Linda said, “I didn’t mean anything by it. What is with you today?”

He scratched his head. As hard as he tried to stay calm and act like nothing had changed, it was obvious it had.

“I don’t know, honestly,” Charlie said, “I guess I’m just a little thrown by all this. I mean not Adam being gay, that’s fine, but….”

“The fact that he has a life outside of the team,” Linda said and then her voice dropped in tone, “Or you... God, Charlie, that’s so codependent of you.”

“What you do you mean by that?” Charlie shot back, she was beginning to irritate him with her insights.

“Look, I’m not ragging on you, Charlie. You have shown earlier in the year that you might just be a tad…”

“Sensitive?” Charlie asked.

“No, possessive. You were the one who got majorly upset when you thought Adam was getting with Madison at her party.”

“That was not me being possesive, I just...Adam doesn’t have time to date,” Charlie said, “That hasn’t changed. He’s going to go pro and you don’t know the kind of pressure he’s under.”

“Sure, but I don’t see what that has to do with him dating,” Linda said.

“He’s my best friend, and as his best friend as well as Captain of the Hockey team, I have to look out for his future,” Charlie said.

Linda rolled her eyes, which ticked Charlie off a bit.

“Really, you’re going to look out for Adam’s future? What about your own?” Linda asked.

“What does my future have to do with this?” he said.

Linda just stared at him.

“Why are you so worried about Adam ruining his future by doing perfectly normal things that you and the rest of your team do, when you don’t even have your future figured out?”

“I have it figured out,” Charlie said. He did not in fact have it figured out, but he wasn’t about to have this conversation with Linda.

“Ok, but you’re going to have to do something after you graduate,” she said, “Have you even thought about it? We have just over a year and half before graduation. You’re not going to have your team, or Adam, or your Coach. What are you going to do then?”

Charlie stood up. He was about done with this conversation.

“Look Linda, I appreciate that you were honest and that you obviously helped Adam with things, but we’re not dating anymore,” he said, “We’re barely just more than acquaintances. I am not going to take a lecture about the future from you.”

“Charlie, I just…”

“Forget it.”

He stormed off. He knew he was being a jerk and had overreacted, but he just had to leave. He couldn’t deal with any of it. His future, Adam, what Linda meant by not making their relationship a priority. It all hit a bit too close home for him.

He just wanted to go somewhere that made sense.

He went to go find Adam. He didn’t care what he had told the other guys about seeing a movie. He just needed to be on the ice. Where things made sense and weren’t complicated.

And didn’t make Charlie feel like his entire life was coming a part.

“Are you okay?”

Charlie turned just as he reached the entrance to the dormitory, to see Adam coming up on his left.

“Hey,” Charlie said, “I was just coming to get you. I was going to nab the keys to the rink, we can do a little one on one. You know, the usual.”

“Weren’t you going to the movies with Guy and them later?” Adam asked.

“I don’t really feel like the movies,” Charlie said, but he didn’t elaborate as to why.

“Are you okay?” Adam asked, “You want to talk?”

Charlie did want to talk, but also not talk at the same time. And Adam was maybe not the best person to talk to, if he did want to talk.

“I’m fine, I just…I’m tired,” Charlie said.

Adam didn’t reply, and so Charlie let it go. He didn’t think Adam would understand, but he could feel the frustration seep throughout his entire body. He had to get it out.

“I’m not like you, you know. I don’t have my entire life planned out, and I don’t understand why I have to right now.”

“Who is telling you that you need to?”

“Nobody...everybody. You know, maybe things would be better if I was like you. If I knew exactly what I was going to do,” Charlie said.

Adam put a tentative hand to his shoulder.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Adam said.

Charlie smiled, and reached up and brushed Adam’s hand from his shoulder to signal that he was okay. The hairs on his arm raised ever so slightly at the touch. That was new and not unpleasant.

“I know,” he said, “maybe I’m overreacting. I just…”

“You don’t want things to change,” Adam said.

“Heh, you know me too well. No, I don’t. But they do anyways,” Charlie said, “Look, forget it. I’m fine.”

Adam smiled at him knowingly.

“Yeah, well, I’ll take you up on that offer,” Adam said, “You know, since you obviously need a pick me up. Let me just drop off these books first.”

Charlie grinned.

“Last one there plays defense first!” Charlie said, and quickly bounded away from the dormitory and towards the rink, at the very least secure in the idea that some things didn’t have to change.

  
Charlie apologized to Linda on Monday in Chemistry. She thankfully forgave him and promised she wouldn’t bring it up again. And things went back to normal. And Charlie forgot about their conversation from the weekend. Well he forgot most of it. He was still troubled by her suggestion that Adam liked someone. The idea that there was someone else, someone that would know Adam in a way that Charlie never could gnawed at him like nothing he could have imagined.

He had promised himself to forget the feelings from those couple of dreams way back then, but now, with his growing hyper-awareness of everything that Adam did and everything that had gone down, Charlie realized that it didn’t matter if he didn’t have another dream ever again.

Something was different and it wasn’t that Adam was gay or that he might be dating someone. Charlie had changed.

But how he had changed, Charlie didn’t know, and he wasn’t going to rush to find out. It would come to head, eventually, it didn’t mean that Charlie had to seek it out.

For now, Charlie decided to just let things be. It would all sort out. Or it would just fester until graduation and things would change then anyway.

So when that third dream came, no longer a manifestation of carnal lust and desire, but something that Charlie felt was deeper. He didn’t panic, he didn’t analyze.

He just pushed it aside and just sat with it.

He could live in denial.

He would have to.

Because when he saw Adam in the locker room or at the desk in their dorm studying. Charlie knew what was at stake. He wouldn’t lose this. He couldn’t lose it.

Not even for something possibly better.

 

* * *

  

Adam didn’t know whether it was a good or bad thing that things seemed to settle down after his coming out to Charlie. The hours turned into days which turned into weeks which turned into months. Before he could really grasp anything, the end of the fall term and winter break were well within sight.

Adam had not returned to the club meeting since that first one. It wasn’t necessarily due to lack of desire, but rather that school and hockey and test prep and the constant demands of his father kept him too busy that he could never really get away. He told Blaine that he would possibly come back after the season was done. Blaine told him not to worry about it, and that they would be there when Adam was ready, and then winked at him before leaving. Almost as if…

Adam may not have had that much experience in these matters, but he couldn’t miss that there was possibly something there. Whether Adam wanted to pursue it, well, he hadn’t quite settled on that.

But nothing had changed, nothing real anyway. Charlie was how he always was, and if Adam being gay bothered him, he certainly wasn’t showing it. That should have been a relief, but somehow Adam couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed. Which made no sense, had he expected anything different? He had never worried about Charlie reacting badly or rejecting him in the way he feared the same when it came to his parents.

It wasn’t like Adam had ever really expected Charlie to feel the same way he did.

Maybe he had hoped they would have moved in one direction. Either become more distant from each other so Adam could move on or they could have grown closer…

So what? So Adam could view Charlie as what? A brother?

Yeah, Adam could never see Charlie like that.

It was useless to think like this, Adam knew. It was good things hadn’t changed, and if they had, Charlie was just a bit more attentive. More protective, almost. Not enough that anyone really noticed, but whenever he got off the phone with his father, or after he got home from a visit, Charlie would be there waiting and would offer some sort of comfort.

It was pity, Adam thought, and . When it came to Charlie, Adam would take whatever he could get, no matter how meaningless or trivial.

It was stupid, he knew, but he just couldn’t help himself.

Adam’s birthday was three weeks from the end of term, and Adam was looking forward to it as much as he would a root canal. He had tried to convince his parents to let him out of the dinner with them so he could maybe spend it with the Other Ducks, but his mother wouldn’t agree. His brother was coming into town, it would be nice to have the whole family together. That is what his mother told him.

“So what time do you have to be at your parents tomorrow?” Charlie asked, the day before. They were walking back from the library after a group of them had been studying for finals.

“Not til late,” Adam said, “I’ll probably leave around six, probably.”

“You’ll come back though?” Charlie asked.

“I don’t know maybe. Why? You aren’t planning a surprise party, are you, because…”

Charlie put a hand to his heart and feigned hurt.

“Of course not,” Charlie said, “What do you take me for?”

Adam laughed and Charlie gladly joined in. Adam wasn’t really worried about some secret party, Charlie knew him better than that, though he suspected that Charlie must had something up his sleeve.

“It’s going to snow soon,” Charlie said, gazing out the dorm window at the lawn.

“You think?” Adam asked.

“I can feel it,” Charlie said, “It’s only a matter of time.”

Adam agreed. There was something in the air.

“It can’t come soon enough,” Adam said.

“Agreed,” Charlie said. They wasted the remaining evening hours talking of snow, sledding, and hockey on a pond as opposed to an indoor rink, and other inane things that no one other than them could care about. The conversation lasted until later when Charlie ribbed him when he moved to set his alarm before they turned the lights out.

“It’s a Saturday and your birthday, you can’t even sleep in for once in your life?” Charlie asked.

“It’s habit,” Adam said, and before Charlie he switched off the light and faded into sleep.

  
Adam beat his alarm clock by about a minute. The sun peeked through the vertical blinds of the dorm window and Adam looked over to see Charlie splayed out on his stomach over his entire bed, drool obviously hanging from his lips. Adam smiled and slid out of bed, and reached for the pair of sweats he had laid out on the dresser the night before. Charlie didn’t even budge the entire time, and Adam gave one last smirk in Charlie’s direction before leaving the room.

He took his time warming up, and he relished the feel of the cold wind when he finally went outside for his daily run. There was something calming about running, and doing so in the early winter air, where the fog crystallized stuck to the grass put an eerie calm over his surroundings. If perfection existed, Adam thought, it was in scenes like this.

It was definitely going to snow soon.

When he got back to his room after showering, he was somewhat surprised to see that Charlie wasn’t there. For what felt like the first time since the semester started, Charlie’s side of the room was completely clean, bed made, desk cleared of papers and clutter.

Adam shrugged it off, it wasn’t like Charlie never cleaned up, it just never usually happened that quickly. But Adam reasoned that there was a first time for everything.

Adam had just finished changing clothes when the knock came at the door. Adam had no idea who would be knocking. It was too early for the resident bed check, and any member of the team would have just walked in by now, so Adam was a bit nervous when he opened the door.

Of course the person on the other side of the door was the last person that Adam expected to see.

It was Gordon Bombay.

“Coach! What are you doing here?” Adam asked.

Bombay smiled.

“I was in town, and today’s your birthday,” Bombay said, and without another word he stepped forward and pulled Adam into a hug.

Adam could feel himself relax into the hug, as he knew he always did. While Bombay had never been as much of a father figure to Adam as he was for Charlie, Bombay was his mentor. He owed much of where he was to him, both in life on the ice, as well as off.

“Seventeen, huh,” Bombay said when he pulled away, “Time sure flies.”

Adam just muttered a simple affirmation to that statement.

“You didn’t have to come,” Adam said, “I mean, it’s just a birthday.”

“I had business in town that I had been putting off, and when Charlie called and asked me to come, I figured now was the time,” Bombay said.

Adam’s mind had whirled. Charlie had called him?

“Charlie called you?” Adam asked, “He…”

“Yeah, he pretty much guilt-tripped me into it,” Bombay said, “You know Charlie, he’s very effective at pushing people to do what they should.”

Adam nodded. Charlie was definitely good at that.

“Listen, let me take you out and you can catch me up,” Bombay said, “I know I haven’t been around as much as I should. For you or Charlie.”

“We’ve been fine,” Adam said, “You don’t have to feel bad about it.”

“I know you’re fine, but still,” Bombay said, “but let’s stop lurking in your doorway. You ran this morning, I’m sure you’re starving.”

Adam laughed and followed Bombay out, stopping just to grab his jacket. Charlie came up to them as they crossed the quad. Adam watched as Bombay gathered Charlie into a hug, and for a moment he felt a bit jealous. Not jealous of Charlie so much as seeing the kind of relationship that Adam knew he would never have with his father.

“Aren’t I the best at birthday presents,” Charlie said when he turned towards Adam, “Nobody has anything on me.”

Adam smiled, and Charlie stepped toward him, his hands once again in his jacket pocket. Adam couldn’t help but suck his breath in. He always thought Charlie was attractive, but the sight of him standing there in a maroon University of Minnesota cap and surprisingly fitted beige corduroy coat and a confident grin on his face was almost too much.

“I’m gonna bring the car around,” Bombay said, “I’ll be right back.”

They watched Bombay make his way to the guest parking lot on the north end of the quad, and when he was out of sight Charlie turned to Adam.

“Happy Birthday,” he said.

“You didn’t have to call him,” Adam said, “I mean…”

“Look, he’s owed me a visit for awhile, and I figured with everything that’s happened, that it would be good for you to see him,” Charlie said.

“You didn’t tell him, did you?” Adam asked. He didn’t think Charlie would do that, but Adam knew Charlie told a lot of things to Bombay that he wouldn’t necessarily tell anyone else.

“Of course not, I wouldn’t do that,” Charlie said, “but if you wanted to, I would say now is a good time. I’m here for you no matter what.”

Charlie patted him on the back and Adam sighed.

“I’m not ready,” Adam said simply.

Charlie nodded.

“It’s up to you. But if you want to come out to Bombay, or the team, or even your parents,” Charlie said, “I’ll go with you, so you’re not alone.”

Something welled up in Adam’s heart again, something that felt deeper and more serious than a simple crush. Leave it to Charlie to just be able to spout stuff like that with a straight face.

Adam didn’t know whether he should be upset that the moment was spoiled by the sound of a car horn. He turned to see a shiny black BMW pull up next to the sidewalk, and before Adam could say anything, Charlie was already bounding towards it.

“Nice ride Coach. Can I drive?” Charlie asked when Bombay got out of the car.

“I don’t think so Charlie,” Bombay said, “My insurance doesn’t cover teens who just graduated from their learner’s permit. Now come on and get in.”

Charlie allowed Adam the front seat and crawled into the back. Bombay drove them to a diner that wasn’t far from the Eden Hall campus.

“So, are you going to see the other guys while you’re here?” Adam asked right after they were seated.

“Probably not,” Bombay said, “but I plan to come when you guys make the playoffs.”

“If we make the playoffs,” Adam said, but both Charlie and Bombay scoffed at the suggestion.

“Who’s gonna touch us?” Charlie said, “This season is ours to lose.”

“That’s a bit over-confident Charlie,” Bombay said, but the grin on his face belied the idea that he was at all serious.

“I’m not. I’m actually being realistic,” Charlie said.

They continued on like that, Charlie and Adam recounting the last few games that Bombay had missed and Bombay updating them on their successors for the next Junior Goodwill Games.

“So they’ll be good,” Bombay said, “we have a couple of young, promising upstarts and we should be able to defend easily.”

“Bet they aren’t as fun as us,” Charlie said.

“They are definitely less of a handful,” Bombay said, “They don’t speak back as much.”

“Come on, Coach, you know you miss us,” Charlie said.

They laugh at that and Bombay agreed. Charlie, seated next to Bombay, took the lull following the laughter to excuse himself for the restroom and for a moment Adam and Bombay just sat in silence.

“We’ll always be your team,” Adam said.

Bombay nodded.

“Yes, but I think Coach Orion has been good for you. For all of you,” Bombay said.

“Yeah, but we miss you,” Adam said, “Charlie misses you.”

“I know,” Bombay said, “but Charlie will be fine. I’m actually more worried about you.”

Adam was confused by that.

“Me?”

“You know you’re getting to the point where you’ll have to make some big decisions,” Bombay said, “and I know the pressure can be a lot.”

“I’ve always had it,” Adam said, “It’s no different now.”

Bombay nodded, and Adam realized that if he was ever going to have a discussion with someone who understood what Adam faced, the time was now.

“The school counselor thinks I could go to an Ivy League school if I wanted,” Adam said.

“Oh, really,” Bombay said.

“Yeah, I mean, I guess I never really thought about it,” Adam said, “I mean, the plan was always hockey.”

“Plans change,” Bombay said.

“My father would kill me,” Adam said, “He hates that I’m still at Eden Hall. He thinks I should have at least tried for the minors already.”

“I wouldn’t worry about your father, Adam. It’s not his life,” Bombay said, “If you want to go pro, then go pro. If you want to go to college, go to college.”

“But wouldn’t that make everything I’ve done up to this point completely pointless if I don’t play hockey?” Adam asked.

“Hockey got you to Eden Hall, Adam, but you don’t owe the sport anything,” Bombay said.

Adam nodded.

“I don’t know if I’m really considering it, but I guess, I just never thought I had a choice before,” Adam said, “but I just know I want to finish out the school with the team. I guess what comes after, I’ll deal with then.”

“That sounds good, Adam,” Bombay said, “Just don’t be afraid to make a choice and stand by it, whatever it is. I’m here for you.”

They lapsed into silence, and for a moment Adam considered telling Bombay. And not just of coming out, but about his feelings for Charlie. Maybe if he just told somebody, and a quasi-parental figure at that, he could relieve the tension that he felt he had carried in him his entire life. He was just about to get it out, to test the waters, when Charlie slid back into the booth.

“Wow, did I miss something, because it suddenly feels like someone died,” Charlie said.

“No, we were just talking about life after Eden Hall,” Bombay said and turned to Charlie, “I believe that you have yet to tell me what you plan to do, Charlie.”

Charlie knocked on the table a couple of times, but Adam listened intently. When Adam and Charlie talked about the future it was mostly about Adam’s future. He felt a bit guilty that he hadn’t given Charlie the same consideration.

“I don’t have a plan, Coach,” Charlie, “College I guess.”

Bombay nodded.

“And don’t pester me for one,” Charlie went on, “because I get enough of it from my mother.”

“She just wants what’s best for you, Charlie,” Bombay said, “and so do I.”

“Can you help me,” Charlie said looking across at Adam, his eyes begging for Adam to relieve the pressure of the moment.

“Ah Coach, he’ll be fine, you know Charlie. He’s the Minnesota Miracle Man,” Adam said, and Charlie groaned at the nickname.

“I get it,” Charlie said.

Adam forgot about coming out to Bombay, and just followed along with the rest of the conversation. He didn’t think on how close he had come to telling Bombay until later when they were standing outside the diner, waiting for Bombay to close out the check.

“So did you tell him?” Charlie asked.

“Tell him what?” Adam asked.

“You know… about you,” Charlie said, “Earlier in there it seemed…tense.”

“No,” Adam said, “I almost did. But…I couldn’t.”

Charlie nodded.

“It’s okay,” Charlie said.

Charlie looked like he wanted to say something else, but he stopped when Bombay emerged from the diner. Neither he nor Adam brought it up again once Bombay dropped them off at the dorm. They stood outside as they watched Bombay drive off in the distance. It was like a scene out of the movie, the mentor figure leaving to allow his young proteges face the world alone. Quite poetic.

Even more so when the first few snowflakes began to fall. Adam looked up at the sky and closed his eyes.

“Well I’ll be damned,” Charlie said, “I told you it was going to snow soon. It’s too bad the pond hasn’t frozen over yet. We could have taken Bombay out on the ice.”

Adam didn’t say anything. He looked at Charlie, laughing at the snow in the air, and for just one a second, he shut his eyes and wished for time to just stop. The scene was really perfect.

And Adam didn’t know if it would ever be this perfect again.

 

They dicked around for the rest of the day, until it was finally time for Adam to go meet his parents for his “birthday” dinner. He got changed and as a contingency packed a pack of clothes for the next day. He didn’t want to stay the night at home, but he knew it would be the expectation.

“So where they taking you?” Charlie asked.

“I don’t know,” Adam said, “John’s in town, so I’m meeting them at the house. Probably the country club.”

“Sounds fancy,” Charlie said.

“Yeah,” Adam said.

“You going to stay over?” Charlie asked.

Adam shrugged.

“Probably, I know my mom will at least want me to,” Adam said.

Charlie sat up on his bed and looked at Adam.

“Would it be terrible if I asked you not to?” Charlie asked.

Adam looked at him for a moment. This was not usual, Charlie making requests like that. Staring at him like that. It was weird and it felt new, and Adam seriously considered just skipping out on his parents and asking Charlie what he had planned. There was something that Adam couldn’t quite put a finger on.

“I mean…” Adam started to say, but Charlie gestured at him to stop, cutting him off.

“Never mind, I just wanted you to know you don’t have stay there if you don’t want to,” Charlie said, and it was almost like he was reminding Adam that he didn’t have to go along with his parents if he didn’t want to.

“I know,” Adam said, “but don’t wait up.”

Charlie smiled.

“I won’t.”

They both knew that he most likely would indeed wait up.

  
With every successive year that Adam spent at away at school or various clinics and tournaments, the stranger and colder his childhood home became. It looked much bigger and intimidating in the low winter light. The snow did not pick up, so the drive home had not been too harrowing, and if Adam did want to drive back to Eden Hall later, he didn’t have to worry about being snowed in.

He stood at the front door for a moment too long. Who had nerves walking into their own house? Adam felt foolish. He wasn’t planning on coming out; there hadn’t been a game or anything that would cause his father to gripe. They were just going to celebrate his birthday like any normal family. This should be by all accounts a more pleasant venture home than others.

Adam stepped into the foyer, quickly discarded his coat and shoes at the entrance closet. The house was decorated as it had always been, cool and pristine, like something out of a home decorating magazine.

“Adam, you’re here!” His mother was the first to walk in from the living room in the back. She smiled warmly and Adam smiled back and gladly stepped into her embrace.

“Happy Birthday, dear,” she said, “Oh how time flies.”

Adam thanked her and looked up to see his older brother, John, step in through the room, followed by his long term girlfriend, Emily. A decade older, Adam had never been particularly close with his brother. There was just too much of a gap, both in age and interests. John was the “heir”, set to follow in their father’s footsteps. And Adam, well, Adam was the superstar, or if Adam was being more cynical, the living trophy to show off.

“Hello little brother, happy birthday” John said, and Adam allowed him just a handshake and supportive hand on shoulder. They weren’t close enough for anything else.

“So, what time is the reservation at the club,” Adam asked. He just needed to get this visit over with.

“Oh, we aren’t going out, I figured since the whole family is together, we should stay in for the evening,” his mother said, “Now come in, your father’s in the den.”

Adam followed, and nodded when his father greeted him. There was small talk, but the family conversation was awkward. They weren’t a naturally social family when it was just themselves. With no audience to impress, Adam wondered whether any of them really knew each other.

Dinner didn’t go any better, though it wasn’t an absolute nightmare. The image was idyllic enough, but the actual mood of the room was too formal. It was not how Adam particularly wanted to spend his birthday.

“So Adam, I hear Eden Hall is undefeated this year,” John said.

“Yeah, haven’t dropped a game yet,” Adam said. Hockey was a safe subject, as long as they kept it general and not on his Dad criticizing every decision Coach Orion made or how it would effect Adam’s future.

“I promise I’ll try to make a game,” John said, “Work at the new firm has been hectic, so I can’t come out here as much as I would like.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Adam said, “I never expect you to be there.”

“But I want to be there,” John said.

“Yes, it would be nice if we saw you more often,” his mother said, “This house is so lonely without the two of you here.”

Adam didn’t say anything, but John again apologized for the distance. Adam was grateful once the dinner ended, and he volunteered to clear the table. Just anything to escape the stilted small talk and his father puffing himself up over both John and Adam at the same time.

He was in the kitchen, scraping off gravy from a plate when John came in.

“I meant what I said in there,” John said, “about coming to see you play.”

“I told you, you don’t have to feel bad about it,” Adam said and he really meant it. John was his brother, not his father.

“I know I haven’t always been the best big brother, and I know how Dad gets,” John said, “You may not think so but I do have a small inkling at what you are going through.”

Adam gripped the counter.

“Do you?” Adam asked.

“Of course, why do you think I went to school halfway across the country,” John said.

“You still did everything he wanted,” Adam said.

“Well, aren’t you?” John asked.

“Yeah, but I’m not doing it for his reasons,” Adam said, “or at least I try not to.”

“It’s the same for me,” John said.

Adam looked at him and he actually believed him. The truth was he didn’t know his brother. He had just always assumed that John had it easier, wasn’t under as much pressure.

“Listen, I wanted to ask you, but me and Emily have an announcement to make, but it’s your birthday so I don’t want to take the spotlight away from you,” John said.

Adam shook his head.

“It’s just a birthday,” Adam said, “I don’t mind.”

John nodded.

“You know, you should come to Boston. I know it’s not the home of hockey, but I think you’d like it,” John said.

Adam gave a maybe, although he had no idea when he would be able to just go to Boston to visit his brother. He wasn’t able to get in any deeper discussion, when his mother called them in to the living room for gifts.

John and Emily gave him a new set of boots for the winter, and Adam also got a few added pieces of clothing for the coming season. It was surprisingly subdued for them, but Adam hadn’t really asked for anything in particular. They settled after that, and when John looked to Adam for the okay to make his announcement Adam gladly gave it. Anything to stave off the complete boredom and lack of interest he had in the evening.

“Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you,” John said standing up, he looked down at Emily and took her hand.

“Yes, what is it dear?” Adam’s mother asked.

“Me and Emily are happy to announce that we’re engaged,” John said, and Adam didn’t pay attention to much of what he said after that. He just noted the delight on his mother’s face and his father patting John on the back.

“This is good son,” his father said, “Marriage is a mark of a true man.”

The words stung more than they should, and just as he had when he was younger, Adam felt jealous. Not of his brother really, but of the realization that the happy scene going on before him, would not be one that he could ever possibly experience. He imagined for a moment what it would be like if he were in John’s position, standing there with his partner (Adam tried not to picture of a face but he knew who he’d want it to be.)

It wouldn’t be as happy or celebratory, that’s for sure.

No, Adam could only see things like this from the outside. Even in his own family, he felt alone.

He congratulated John and Emily, and as soon as they had gone through the cake and candles, Adam made an excuse and told his family that he would be heading back to Eden Hall.

“You should really stay,” his mother pleaded, “it’s already late.”

Adam shook his head.

“I have a workout that I want to make in the morning, and finals are coming up so I should get back,” Adam said.

His mother tried to protest but Adam held his ground. He relaxed on the drive home, just happy to get out of that house and the ever-growing feeling that he didn’t belong. He had half a mind to just collapse into bed, but he didn’t when he entered his dorm room to find that it was completely empty.

Charlie wasn’t there, and his side of the room was still clean and untouched. It was almost ten o’clock, and Adam had seen plenty of the other guys in the halls to know that Charlie had not gone out. He looked over at his bed to see a small white card leaning up against his pillow.

He picked it up and unfolded it and read the familiar scrawl.

Just one more thing. Meet me at the rink if you get home, I’ll be there until midnight. —C.C

Adam looked to grab the bag with his skates, but it wasn’t in his closet. Knowing that Charlie probably had taken it, he quickly made his way to the rink. He expected to just see just Charlie skating on the rink as per usual, but when he made his way through the double doors from the locker room, Adam saw that this was not their usual situation.

Charlie had set up cones and tables with stacked glass bottle and other assorted things all along the rink.

“Well look who decided to finally show up.”

Adam turned when Charlie clapped him on the back, his skates slung over his shoulder.

“What is all this, Charlie?” Adam asked.

“Well, it’s a set of tests. You know, I have to think of creative ways to continue to challenge you,” Charlie said, “besides it’s your birthday, it was a good reason to shake things up.”

“How are you going to hide all this from Coach?” Adam asked, “I know he knows we do this, but we have to at least pretend like we aren’t breaking the rules.”

“That’s the best part,” Charlie said, “We aren’t. Coach gave me permission.”

Adam scoffed, but Charlie just explained that it could be viewed as Coach Orion’s way of giving Adam a birthday gift.

“Now suit up,” Charlie said, “we only have two hours. And I have things planned to test your speed, your power and your precision.”

Adam wasted no time, and it wasn’t long before both and he and Charlie were gliding along the ice. Charlie had been a little too elaborate in the drill formations, and they were very reminiscent of the gimmicky tactics from their pre-Eden Hall days, but Adam enjoyed them. Swerving between cones, trying to aim and the bottles off the top of the goal, Charlie even had a dozen eggs to test their “soft touch”.

However, they soon just ended up skating across the rink, laughing, jostling the other around.

It turns out, one can find perfection twice in one day. When they tired, they eventually fell down and just sat against the wall.

“You really didn’t have to do this,” Adam said, “I mean between this and Bombay, it’s too much.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Charlie said, “I just figured we needed to lighten up. Also, you get too tense. I need to remind you that this whole thing is meant to be fun.”

Charlie gestured out at the rink, and Adam smiled knowingly.

“Thank you,” he said.

“How’d things go with your parents?” Charlie asked, “I knew you’d come back, but you did make it earlier than what I expected.”

Adam sighed.

“It was fine,” Adam said, “My brother’s getting married.”

“Oh, good for him,” Charlie said.

“It was weird,” Adam said, “I’ve always been a bit jealous of him. He had it so easy, but tonight, it was worse than usual.”

“Why?” Charlie asked.

“Because, I know it’ll never be like that for me,” Adam said, “Easy, smooth. I can’t just walk into that house with a guy. It’d…”

Charlie said nothing, he just looked down and allowed Adam to talk.

“I don’t resent it,” Adam continued, “I just…I thought I was doing all this for me, but sitting in that house, I realized. I’m not. I’m still doing it for him. Like if I become the best, and fulfill his every wish then he’d have to…”

“Accept that you’re gay?” Charlie asked, and it was said so bluntly that Adam didn’t know how to respond for a moment.

“Yeah, but also that he’d accept me as a separate person and not a trophy to hang on his wall,” Adam said.

“He will,” Charlie said.

“To be honest,” Adam said, “I don’t know if I care about the NHL. I mean I want to play for as long as I can, but I would just be happy playing here. I could play here with you forever.”

It just slipped out and it was too close to a confession, and when Charlie didn’t respond right away, Adam wondered whether he had given himself away.

“Cut that out, I’m supposed to be the sappy one,” Charlie said and Adam let out a small laugh.

They sat in silence over the next couple of minutes, just staring out at the ice. It was Charlie who broke through, as he always did.

“It’s the same for me,” Charlie said.

And Adam didn’t even try to understand what Charlie truly meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we are a quarter the way through! There may be a pause to updates because I have some other writing obligations over the next couple of months, but I hope you all will be patient!


	6. Junior Year :: Winter Break :: Interlude :: Don We Now Our Gay Apparel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me way longer than intended! My goal is to let no more than a couple of months go by between chapters. That said, I have pretty much a final outline, so I want to assure you that I don't intend to leave this hanging.
> 
> This is a shorter interlude which will sort of take place throughout the story, and I meant for it to come at Christmas, but the holidays and Yuletide got in the way.
> 
> If you want to follow along with the writing process (or hit me up to beg me to get to it) you can find me on [Tumblr](http://kayromantic.tumblr.com) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/kayromantique)
> 
> A special thanks to my beta [@satelliteinsupernova](https://archiveofourown.org/users/satelliteinasupernova/pseuds/satelliteinasupernova) for the read through and encouragement!

It took all of three days of being home from school for Adam to start feeling restless, but he could never quite find a reason to get out of the house. The local rink was fully booked with PeeWee Hockey games and skating lessons, so he couldn’t really go there. As much as it was nice to have a momentary reprieve from the grind of school and hockey, it also felt like torture when there seemed to be no viable alternatives for things to do.

It didn’t help that his father seemed to be stressed about something at work was constantly on edge, sniping at both Adam and his mother. He kept making small comments on things Adam could—or rather should—be doing instead of languishing around the house, none of which were at all helpful. Adam quickly learned it was best to just stay out of his way until his father got through whatever stress he was going through.

Adam could have possibly looked to his mother for respite, but she wasn’t really any better. She was always hovering over him, incessantly asking if he needed anything. He knew she meant well, but her cloyingness was starting to grate.

He missed his friends, but that couldn’t be helped. Sure, they weren’t that far away, he didn’t even need to drive if he didn’t want to—provided he could stand the cold. But they all had families and a lot of them took seasonal jobs to earn a little extra money for college or to get them through the rest of year. Adam didn’t need to have a job, but he had brought it up to his dad shortly before school let out on one of their many after game dinners.

“What for?” His father asked.

“I don’t know, money for college, spending money during the year…”

Phillip Banks was not convinced.

“Is the allowance I give you not enough? How much money do you possibly need?” he asked, and Adam couldn’t give him an answer, at least not one that would satisfy him.

His father sighed, a long lingering sigh that signaled to Adam just how preposterous he thought this whole conversation was.

“If you must have a job, you can come into my office and help with the filing,” his father said, and Adam knew that his father must have known that Adam would never have accepted it..

So Adam dropped it, as he always seem to do when he and his father disagreed. Adam always was the one to back down in most instance. It was better to just go along with what his father wanted than resist. It was just a few weeks anyways, he could make it until school was back in session. He had thought he could work at a shop or shovel snow, but he would not on any circumstance work under his father. He could barely live with him. So, Adam spent most of the first days of his winter vacation lounging around the house, playing video games, reading a book or watching some nonsense on TV all the while trying to avoid his parents.

He wanted to call Charlie, but he held back. They roomed together most of the year, they could take a few weeks apart. It was pathetic, Adam would tell himself, he should really be past this. It was weird to miss someone who would never feel the same way. He needed to grow up and move on. Have a life that was separate from his roommate. It was no wonder that he still clung to feelings that had no hope of being requited.

He couldn’t call Charlie, except—

Adam had done a stupid thing. He’d bought Charlie a Christmas present.

It was absolutely ridiculous. They never exchanged gifts —Charlie’s efforts on his birthday notwithstanding— Adam wondered whether it would give too much away, that the very act of buying a gift would make Charlie realize how Adam felt.. He didn’t think it would, the gift was hardly expensive or all that remarkable. He hadn’t even meant to buy it.

He’d found it when he’d driven Charlie out to a shopping center so Charlie could get his mom a Christmas gift.

“Have to take advantage of your car, it’ll be harder to get around when I get home,” Charlie had joked.

They’d somehow —Adam wasn’t entirely sure how— found themselves in a random secondhand store. While Charlie was looking at some nice costume jewelry for his mom, Adam had rummaged through a box of assorted knick knacks that were on a shelf towards the back of the store. Adam hadn’t known what he was looking for, or if he was even looking for anything at all. He hadn’t noticed the medallion on his first pass through, only when he went to pull at a scarf did the two hockey sticks etched on it catch his eye. He picked it up and examined it carefully. The hockey sticks were crossed and on the bottom the simple inscription “Minneapolis, 1944” ran along the curve of the bottom. On the back, just the initials “CC” were carved out. He had no idea what they stood for, but he looked up at Charlie who was speaking to a clerk at the jewelry counter, seeming to have finally found a suitable trinket for his mom.

He asked an older store clerk about the medallion, and while they couldn’t tell him for sure they thought it might have been a medal from an old hockey league in the area. They could not clarify what the initials stood for. Not that it mattered, Adam thought of Charlie all the same.

So Adam bought the thing, and now he just needed to decide whether he was actually going to give it to Charlie.

But all that did nothing to solve his current state of boredom. He had to get out of the house.

So on the Tuesday prior to Christmas, when his mother asked him to escort her for some last minute holiday shopping, he didn’t think twice about agreeing to go. It was either that or go with his father to the club, and Adam knew instantly which one would be the less painful option.

So, he followed his mom through the mall, barely tolerating the corny Christmas songs and crying children and it wasn’t long before they had made their way to what his mother called the antique district (Adam didn’t know that Minneapolis had an antique district). Adam waited outside a custom design shop where his mother was inside arguing with the proprietor over something to do with a gift she was having made for his father’s office. Adam had gone in with her initially but ended up walking out when it became apparent that things were not going to smoothly. There was no use in him sticking around. It wasn’t like he would be of any help.

It was cold out, but Adam didn’t mind it. Just being outside and not cooped up in his room was enough. He leaned against the side of the car and stared out at a tree lot across the street. He watched the people wander through the trees, picking out ones they liked, and then found himself watching two workers begin to load a tree onto a customer’s Jeep.

Adam’s eyes transfixed on the younger worker. He let himself admire the way the guy moved across the lot and even though the worker was wrapped in a heavy coat and hat, Adam imagined that he was possibly quite attractive. Even with the heavy layers, the guy seemed lean, tall. Adam let his mind wander a bit at the thought. Maybe, even fancied what it would be like to go over and actually talk to the guy, to peel back the coat and admire—

Which was stupid, he probably wasn’t even gay.

He soon became self conscious when he realized just how much he had been staring. He never let himself do this; he must really be bored and frustrated. When Adam looked back up, he saw that the lot worker was now staring at him. For a moment, Adam wondered whether he had stared so long that the guy noticed, but than he started waving at Adam. And Adam absolutely froze.

“Hey, Banksy!”

It was Charlie. Oh god, he had been checking out Charlie. Even here in a random shopping center he couldn’t avoid it. Adam figured he was like three shades of red when Charlie beckoned him over and he hoped Charlie would attribute it to the cold and not because Adam’s embarrassment. Charlie would have no reason to think that Adam had just moments before, been mentally picturing what it would be like to—

Adam was not going to let himself finish that thought.

“What brings you to this part of town?” Charlie asked, once he got close enough that he didn’t need to shout, “I thought cake eaters didn’t like to hang with us rabble?”

Charlie was completely kidding, and Adam smiled at the nickname.

“Oh, just shopping with my mom,” Adam said, “What about you, do you work here?”

“Yeah. Jim got me the job, but it’s okay, it’s good money.”

Adam shifted in his shoes.

“Oh yeah,” Adam said, “what if you throw your back out? We still have the rest of the season.”

Charlie waved off his concern.

“You really need to loosen up,” Charlie said, chuckling to himself, “I’m fine, I’m very careful.”

“I think my dad would freak out if I did something like that,” Adam said.

Despite the bite of the wind tearing through the parking lot, Adam couldn’t help but feel a warmth spread through him when Charlie smiled at him.

“Well, you also have a future to protect,” Charlie said, “I just have to protect my hockey career enough to guarantee a scholarship.”

They both just stood there for a moment, not really knowing what to say. Well, Adam didn’t really know what to say, he couldn’t really speak for what Charlie was thinking.

“Hey, I’m actually glad I saw you. Saves me a phone call,” Charlie said, breaking the silence.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, tomorrow, a bunch of us are going to the pond for a sort of old time scrimmage. You know, real hockey,” Charlie said, “You should come.”

“I wouldn’t want to intrude,” Adam said, the pond was always the initial District 5 kids thing, the place they went even before Adam had joined the team.

“It’s a Ducks thing, why would you be intruding?” Charlie asked, “You know you really should be over this complex by now.”

“What complex? I’m not the one who threw a fit whenever he has to play under a different mascot,” Adam jested, trying to ease the situation.

Charlie knocked Adam’s shoulder with his fist, and mocked offense.

“Hey, I had to make a stand. Things turned alright. Now, what do you say?” Charlie asked.

Adam nodded. Honestly, even if he hadn’t been seeking a way to get out of the confines of his house and his father’s constant disapproval, he would have said yes. He couldn’t deny Charlie anything if he asked. Not that he would ever want to.

“Yeah, I’ll be there.”

“Great, see you tomorrow at three,” Charlie said and then turned when an old man was calling him back to the lot.

“Well, I’ll let you get back,” Adam said, Charlie gave him one last smile before jogging back to the lot.

Adam’s mother was waiting for him back at the car, and she looked at him quizzically for a moment.

“Charlie works there,” Adam said, “I was just saying hi.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” she said, “Now we should get back, you know how your father gets when dinner is late.”

Adam stared ahead.

Yeah, he knew.

 

  
Three in the afternoon couldn’t come fast enough. Adam putzed around in the morning, finished his laundry, played a round of Mario Kart, and then finally at half past two he grabbed his bag and rushed out the door, just barely giving his mother time to tell him to be careful.

The sky was gray, but still light when Adam reached the pond. Adam spotted the group already out on the ice, just talking. He picked out Charlie first, at the head of the group, then Fulton standing off to the side. Guy and Connie were close, huddled together like they always were. He heard Averman and Goldberg before he saw them. And then Adam noted that the group even comprised of former teammates, the ones who didn’t follow the team to Eden Hall or even the Goodwill Games.

Jesse, who had initially given Adam the hardest time when he joined the team, but eventually became Adam’s second closest teammate after Charlie, and his brother, Terry, were obviously ribbing Goldberg over something and Karp tagged along behind them. Even Tommy, who had been the youngest on that first year team was joining in on the fun.

It was a real reunion, and Adam felt a little on the outside. He’d only been a Duck for the end of that first season, so he wasn’t as close to those who hadn’t taken part in the Goodwill Games as Charlie and the others. It was a pointless feeling, no one was doing anything to make him feel like he was an outsider, but it was hard not to notice the inside jokes and references that predated Adam’s joining the team. But again this was silly, because Charlie, Averman and others would reference something from Eden Hall as well.

Maybe, Adam was just tired of feeling different.

Charlie noticed him first, as he sat at the bench on the side to put on his gear. He left the group back on the center and skated over to Adam.

“Hey, great to see you made it,” Charlie said, “You’re just in time, we were just about to pick sides.”

Adam quickly rushed through tying his skates and slipping over some preliminary pads and an extra sweater, and then he skated along with Charlie back to the group.

“Hey Banksy,” Jesse was the first to acknowledge him, and they bumped fists in solidarity, “long time no see.”

“Yeah, too long,” Adam said.

Jesse laughed and shook his head and then gestured to the rest of the group to come around.

“Alright, me and Spazway are captains. No goalies. First to ten points wins. Minimal contact. Losers buy winners hot dogs at the local Qwik Mart.”

Everyone nodded in agreement.

“I’ll start off, and since we want to keep things fair, I take Banks.”

“Sorry bud,” Charlie said to Adam, mock patting him on the shoulder, “got to end the dream sometime.”

Adam laughed and glided over to stand behind Jesse and watched as they went down the line. Charlie got Fulton, Connie, Tommy and Goldberg, while Terry, Averman, Guy and Karp joined Jesse on his side.

“So, we don’t have full padding, so no goalies, no launching pucks and try to keep contact to the minimum. We need to make sure that Cake-Eater can still have a career after today,” Jesse said and Adam knocked him in the shoulder at the jab, but Jesse paid it no mind and he reiterated the terms of the game, “First to ten, must win by two.”

The game was fast paced and evenly matched, though Charlie’s side had a distinct advantage of most of them having played together continuously over the years. Terry and Karp were pretty rusty having taken up different sports since they were on the team. That said, they were able to keep pace, and they were never down by more than one for long.

It wasn’t a serious match though. They had just as much fun gliding over the natural ice, laughing, shouting corny one liners at each other. As much as Adam enjoyed playing at Eden Hall with the high pressure and the thrill of winning with real stakes on the line, he found just as much, if not more, joy in playing here for a scrimmage on the ice with friends. People who understood, who didn’t expect him to be at the top on the entire line.

Finally, when everyone seemed to tire, Jesse stopped in the middle of the ice and called for everyone to stop, which they gladly did.

“Ok, while I obviously could be here all night, I know the rest of you have mothers and friends you have to get back to.”

“So what, we’re going to leave it at a tie?” Charlie asked, his voice bearing that he wasn’t prepared to settle for that.

“No, a good old fashion shootout, just like the old days,” Jesse said, “Now, again, no goalie, so let’s see how that two way hockey is working for y’all. We’ll pick our shooters and then you can put your defense forward.”

“Fine,” Charlie said, “Five rounds, we won’t go past ten.”

“Fine, who's going to start us off?” Jesse shot back.

“I’m the captain, I’ll shoot first,” Charlie said, “Only fair since you’re making the rules, Hall.”

“Okay, Spazway, I’ll concede to that.”

“So, you and me then?” Charlie asked.

Jessie scratched at his chin.

“Yeah, no, I’m gonna let Cake Eater take you on,” Jesse said, Adam’s head shot up at Jesse calling out, and he watched as Charlie’s lips slowly formed a confident smirk.

“I thought you wanted to win, Jessie,” Charlie said and winked in Adam’s directions. Adam took his position in front of Charlie, not without hearing Averman glide over to Jessie and whisper in his ear.

“Hey you know those two do this all the time, right?” Averman said.

“Yeah sure, but I wanna see a show,” Jessie said.

“You want to give them one,” Charlie said to him, and Adam felt the rest of the world fall away, like it always did. Whenever they hit the ice together, whether opposite or on the same side, they were the only ones who mattered. But this was a bit more exciting, they almost never had an audience.

“I’m not holding back, Spazway,” Adam said.

“Of course, where’s the fun in that?” Charlie said. Just as quickly as they had got to their start, he began his charge toward the goal, Adam mirroring his every movement. Charlie had come a long way from being Spazway, worst player in Minnesota. Bombay had given Charlie the confidence, Orion had given him the skills and the rest Charlie had put together on his own. Adam had long since lost any advantage he’d had. It was a pity, Adam thought to himself, that Charlie would probably not pursue hockey after college.

So they moved, almost in a dance across the ice, and Charlie just was able to slip past and glide the puck to the right corner of the goal.

“You’ve gone soft, Banksy,” Charlie said patting him on the shoulder.

“Don’t sell yourself short,” he said right back.

They watched as the others went through each round, Jessie vs Fulton, Connie vs Terry, Tommy vs Averman and they all groaned at the disaster that was Goldberg vs Karp. It once again came down to the two of them on the reverse. If Adam missed, Charlie’s side would get the win, if Adam made it, they would go on for another round.

Adam felt the puck and glided it back and forth and with a swift move put it through Charlie’s leg and then took the shot and—

It hit the right post.

He threw his head back.

“It was a heck of a shot,” Charlie said.

“I rushed it,” Adam said, and tapped his stick on the ice. It wasn’t that important, but every time something like that happened, he would always hear his father or maybe even sometimes, Coach Reilly scolding him for the mistake.

“Sometimes it’s a matter of luck, don’t beat yourself up too much,” Charlie said, and squeezed Adam’s shoulder in reassurance, then he turned to the others on the sideline, “Now who’s hungry? And if I am correct, you all are paying,”

They nodded and the group scrambled to the benches on the side of the pond to remove their skates and gear. Adam separated from the group to drop his gear into the trunk of the car. When he went into the front to pop the trunk, he noted the small package containing the medal. It was foolish, he probably wasn’t going to have an opportunity to give it to Charlie. He certainly wasn’t going to give it to him in front of the others. But he instinctively grabbed it and slipped it in his jacket pocket. Just in case.

He rejoined the group in front of the Kwik Mart on the corner, all eyes on him as he approached.

“You didn’t have to wait,” he said.

“Of course we did, you have to help pay,” Jessie said, and pushed Adam through into the convenience store.

There was the usual rumbling and jeering that usually came when they were all together, and Adam shrugged his shoulders at the disapproving owner of the establishment in apology. However, he managed to get his hot dog, along with paying for his portion of the bill.

“A lot cheaper than the $800 bill you saddled us with freshman year, huh Banksy,” Goldberg said.

Adam shook his head.

“That wasn’t my idea,” Adam said.

“Hey, bygones are bygones,” Charlie clapped back, “We all were a little off that year.”

“Especially you Captain, you were quite the, dare I say—ass,” Averman said.

“Please don’t remind me,” Charlie said.

Adam smiled and made his way to just outside the door. He loved all the guys, he did, but sometimes all of them together could be a little much, and he just wanted a moment to himself. To relax and take in the winter air.

He watched a couple cars pass by and the streetlights flicker on as the sun set in the distance. Adam could sense the first slight flurries of snow before he actually saw or felt them. His concentration broke from the scene when he heard the bell from the convenience store door. He instinctively clutched at Charlie’s gift and turned towards the entrance, expecting to see Charlie come toward him.

But when he looked up it was not Charlie walking up to him, rather it was Jesse.

“Hey Banks,” Jesse said, “what are you doing out here sulking.”

“I’m not sulking,” Adam said, “just like the quiet.”

Jesse didn’t believe him, going by the look on his face.

“You shouldn’t take anything said in there too seriously. You no longer need to prove yourself,” Jesse said.

“I know,” Adam said and then smiled at him, “it really has been too long.”

“Yeah, that’s my fault, Conway’s pretty good about keeping in touch,” Jesse said.

He noted how Jesse seemed to sway in apprehension, there was something other than Adam’s natural introvert tendencies he wanted to talk about. Adam glanced back into the convenience store to see Charlie laughing over something Averman said.

“So, um, I need to ask you about something,” Jesse said and Adam turned back to him.

“Sure, what is it?” Adam said.

“So, umm, I’ve actually been out by that fancy prep school of yours—”

“Could’ve been yours too,” Adam said.

Jesse waved him off.

“Nah, I couldn’t take that, you and Coach are the only cake eaters I can stand. Anyways, as I was saying—I have to drop my uncle off at an AA meeting at a community center around there,” Jesse said.

Adam didn’t quite grasp where this was going with this.

“Isn’t that supposed to be anonymous?” Adam asked.

“Yeah, well tell my uncle that,” Jesse said, “Anyways, a couple of months ago or whatever, I was dropping him off and I saw you there.”

Adam’s heart leapt to his throat. That community center, that was where—

“I see,” there wasn’t anything else for him to say really.

“I followed you to try to get your attention to say hi and I saw you go into a room,” Jesse said, “and when I saw the sign—”

“You can just ask me,” Adam said. He couldn’t hide it, he couldn’t lie about it, and it was Jesse.

“So I take it that that’s a yes,” Jesse said, and Adam nodded.

“Yeah,” Adam said.

Jesse bobbed his head up and down.

“Anyone else know?” he asked.

Adam shook his head.

“No—” he stopped, catching Charlie’s eye inside the store, “Well, Charlie knows. I told Charlie. No one else.”

Jesse smiled

“That figures,” Jesse said, and the way Jesse glanced at Charlie through the window made Adam wonder whether Jesse suspected something more, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I know how you get.”

“How I get?”

“Private, secretive,” Jesse said, “I mean I get it, but I think you’re better than that.”

Adam nodded, he didn’t disagree with Jesse’s assessment.

“Yeah, I’m trying to be better about that,” he said.

“And if you ever need someone, at least someone who’s not Charlie to talk to,” Jesse said, “I may not be in the same school, but I’m here. What does Coach and Charlie say? Ducks fly together.”

“Right.”

They both turned when the door popped open and Charlie came out, followed by Terry and Karp who were whispering conspiratorially with each other.

“Hey guys, what’s going on?” Charlie said, his expression was unreadable, but Adam noticed an edge in his voice, but Adam couldn’t for the life of him, fathom the reason for it.

“Nothing much, just catching up, you can’t hog Banksy all the time,” Jesse joked.

“I’m not his keeper,” Charlie said, and if Adam didn’t know any better he would think Charlie seemed a bit annoyed about something.

“Yeah, as if your co-dependent tendencies haven’t been well documented. Well, I gotta head out anyways,” Jesse said, “Unlike most of you losers, I actually have a girl to get to.”

“Hey,” Guy said, his arm around Connie.

“Oh come off it Guy, you and Connie don’t count,” Averman said.

They all dispersed shortly after that, most of them rode off to their homes in the area, Adam the only one who drove there.

“Hey, wait up!”

Adam turned back on his way to see Charlie come running after him.

“I’ll walk you to your car,” Charlie huffed when caught up to Adam who’d stopped and waited.

“You don’t have to,” Adam said, “I know you have to go back to your mom.”

“She’s fine,” Charlie said, “besides, her and my stepdad were going out to something. I don’t know what they do and believe me, I don’t want to know.”

Adam could do nothing but offer a consolatory back pat.

“You don’t think we’re co-dependent, do you?” Charlie asked once they reached Adam’s car.

Adam stared at Charlie for a moment.

“What””

“Oh it’s nothing, just the guys—” but Charlie stopped himself from going further. Charlie definitely wasn’t co-dependent, if anything Adam was, but it wasn’t like he was going to admit that, so he just gave a weak denial.

“So, what was Jesse talking with you about?”

Adam bit at his bottom lip.

“He knows,” Adam said and Charlie’s head popped up in surprise. Adam began to explain before Charlie even had to ask.

“He saw me when I went to that club meeting,” Adam said, “I guess I was pretty naive about no one seeing me.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Charlie said, “It’s not like I would expect Jesse to be around that area.”

“He had to take a family member to a thing,” Adam said.

“Was he okay?” Charlie asked.

“What?” Adam asked.

“Was he okay with you being gay?” Charlie asked, and Adam couldn’t help but feel touched at the concern in his voice. It was unnecessary, but nice.

“Oh, he was fine,” Adam said.

“That’s good,” Charlie replied, and they fell back into a somewhat awkward silence.

Adam did what he always did when he didn’t quite know what to say or do in a situation, he rocked back and forth on his heels and stuck his hands in his pockets. His hand ran over Charlie’s present and he stopped.

It was now or never.

“Ummm, Charlie, I have something to give to you,” he said, and Charlie’s eyes focused on him.

“What is it?”

Adam took the small box out of his pocket and fidgeted with it before handing it over Charlie.

“I know we don’t do gifts, but I saw this and it’s nothing really-”

Adam knew he was babbling, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Charlie as he unwrapped the gift and pulled out the bronze medal. He expected Charlie to ask him what it was, but Charlie didn’t say anything,

“I just found it at that secondhand store we went to, you know,” Adam said, “I thought of you—but on second thought it’s stupid, you don’t have to keep it.”

Adam tried to snatch it back but Charlie, just as quickly, held it out of reach, over his head.

“No,,” he said and then brought it back down and studied it for a minuted and just above a whisper Adam heard him say, “I love it.”

“Yeah, well,” Adam scratched the back of his head, “after this last year, I just thought—You don’t need to get me anything.”

Charlie looked at him and Adam was transfixed by the way Charlie pursed his lips as if trying to bite something back.

“Thank you,” he said, “I really like it.”

“Yeah, well Merry Christmas,” Adam said and when nothing was said after Charlie echoed the sentiment he made his way to go.

“I guess I should go,” Adam said.

Charlie nodded. He stopped Adam though before he got in the car.

“Hey, Adam,” Charlie said.

“Yes, Charlie?”

“Don’t be a stranger,” Charlie said, “You’re always welcome around here. Don’t be afraid to ask.”

Adam smiled.

“I won’t.”

And Adam didn’t leave until he saw Charlie disappear around the corner, and he felt a twinge of something deep inside.

Something akin to hope.


End file.
